Here Are Your Timesheets For The Week of March 8

Ahoy, officemates! This is Troy 😼, your fearless (unpaid) intern from the 2nd floor! I have been tasked with the important task (ugh, I just said task twice 🤔. Where is Grammarly when you need it? 😱) of reminding 🎗 everyone to submit their timesheets by "EOD". Here are the job numbers 🔢 you'll probably need:

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97725: Dumping cole slaw into the disposal

37281: Looking up the definition for 'REKT'

20809: Teaching spouse the value of money

68223: Toner games

05441: Muting yourself

05442: Unmuting yourself

X3330: Mutant yourself

68342: Making rude gestures to the Fedex guy

12213: Beefing up your resume

82321: Twerking (for presentations only)

38309: Decoding "mamma say mamma sa, ma-ma kusa" to white people

72133: World building

85541: Trying to escape video mode on Facebook

Somehow Already, It's Time Again To Say Goodbye To All The Shit That Advertisers Want You To Say Goodbye To

And this one isn't exactly a goodbye but is worth noting:

Goodbye! *Kiss!* Goodbye! *Wave!* Goodbye! Goodbye!

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of February 17

Twitter has a lot of hashtags, with lots of uses. To sell shoes, to raise awareness for a debilitating disease, to shame a mother who slapped her daughter in public even though it was a joke and everyone got all bent out of shape and she's not even my real daughter get a life.

Here are some bad, underused hashtags that you can use in your own Twitter feed that no one will read:

#Ozzyhygiene

#shinmediabuy

#telegramsexting

#Doritoscoveredcorpse

#empoweringpeasants

#thanksfortheprettyfistula

#YouTuberswhowerealsoValedictorians

The ProofrEADJer: Second Week of November Edition

Say It Ain't So, I Will Not Go, Turn Pathmark Off, Carry Me Home

Peter Piper Picked Pathmark, But Couldn't Rock Rhymes

The ProofrEADJer: Mayan End Of The World Edition

The following typos came from the excellent but grossly under-proofread book "The Signal And The Noise: Why So Many Predictions Fail- But Some Don't" by Nate Silver:

Check out this mislabeled graph that tells us nothing:

UAG

Uh, A One-Two, One-Two.

Joel answered his front door today to find MC Serch and a camera crew out front.

The former 3rd Bass rapper and host of "The (White) Rapper Show" had inadvertently knocked on the wrong door, meaning to interview Joel's neighbor Juelz Santana.

The cameras were already rolling, so Serch had just asked Joel to drop a few freestyle rhymes. Fancying himself a pretty good MC, Joel started rapping, with his chimp servant Chad Yarborough beatboxing.

He had managed to rhyme "fresh" with "Tesh" and "night" with "aaiigght" before MC Serch told them to turn off the cameras. Everyone had left, but Joel was still in the flow of it all. Two of the cameramen patiently waited for him to finish so that he would eat their dicks.

(pictured above, an exciting new set of figurines that blame all their socioeconomic problems on Homies.)

Let's Slap Our Meat On the Outside of The EADJ Mail Sack Just To Show It What's What!

Submitted by John Reid, a text message that combines both LOLCats and nail polish. Possibly the pussiest mashup you can imagine.

Jessica Trouble

Jessica lost her Blackberry today. So that blows.
If you know Jessica and would like to give her your number, send it to jfoster@c-k.com. Warning: this is her work email, so if your domain name is anything like hotdudecocks.com or fistingjeffrey.net, it will probably be blocked.

(pictured above, a photo from last year where Jessica and Michelle went to a Jamiroquai concert at the Congress Theatre, only to find it completely dark and empty. Turns out the show was the NIGHT BEFORE! Yaaaaaaay!)

Big sigh of relief.

Joel lucked out this week. Big time.

First, he lost over $15,000 to Michael Vick in Atlanta at some "dog competition." But when he went to his car to write a check, the police busted into the Vick mansion and arrested everyone. Score!

Joel then found himself the winner of a new Porsche 4-door Panamera for being the 100th caller at KROQ. The sleek, 18-foot long monstrosity boasts a V8 engine, CD player and cup holders!

Joel's chimp servant Chad Yarborough was cleaning the crawlspace and uncovered an ancient Mayan artifact that makes time stop. So not only does the artifact give Joel free rein at the Perkin's Family Restaurant buffet, it also provided Joel with a great idea for his next terrible screenplay! But where's the love interest?

And it was pure dumb luck that kept Joel from eating the tainted dick left in his refrigerator crisper. It had been contaminated with some poon tang earlier in the week and could have caused some serious gastric events in Joel's delicate consitution. Lucky lucky!

(pictured above, some weird shit that Jessica cobbled together)