A Very Philosphical Voicemail I Got The Other Day

Do you exist, Vanessa?

If Vanessa does exist, she gave this guy the wrong number. And probably for good reason. Not a lot of good guys in Mamaroneck, NY.

UAG

It's Time Once Again To Play "Which Can, Erickson?"

(click to enlarge)

Match the toilets with their location. And to help you, we've paired each toilet with a different character from the old "GoBots" cartoon:

1) Waterfront Hotel, Oakland, CA (Leader-1)

2) National Zoological Park, Washington D.C. (Scooter)

3) Washington Adventist Psychiatric Ward, Silver Spring, MD (Cop-Tur)

4) Fresco Mexican Restaurant, Chester, NJ (Zeemon)

5) Grotto Pizza, Rehoboth Beach, DE (Turbo)

6) Facebook Corporate Office, NYC (Cy Kill)

KellyAnne Conway: Spin Doctor Extraordinaire

By now, I think we have all seen the new President's Counselor and spin doctor extraordinaire KellyAnne Conway at work. From her coining the phrase "alternative facts" to the way she deflects questions from "fake news" hosts like Peabody recipient Anderson Cooper, K.A.C. has the ability to dead-eyedly bullshit her way through any horrific lie for any occasion. And this uncanny ability to speak from the heart is all the more impressive when you realize she's actually an empty soulless husk of a person.

And just for fun KellyAnne has recently started representing certain creatures in the animal kingdom to give a voice to those whose side is rarely told in mainstream nature documentaries: 

Snake devouring a mouse

"I think I need to point out here that the mouse is participating, too. The snake is not working in a vacuum, here, Anderson. So don't put 100% of the blame on the snake."

Hyena decapitating a lion

"This is a wonderful example of the underdog taking on the establishment and taking a stand for what they believe in, Anderson! Don't try to twist this any other way."

Lion flaying a buffalo alive

"We've gone over this before, Anderson, and I don't see why you think the lion isn't doing this pathetic buffalo a favor. Why can't you acknowledge the lion's generosity for once on this biased channel?"

Tarantula eating a fish

"I like fish myself, Anderson. I'm not making this as big a deal as you are. You need to get over it."

Caterpillar being eaten by a venus flytrap

"Uh.. pass. Pass."

Shark eating a seal

"Sharks are beautiful, gentle creatures, Anderson. I don't see a shark doing something like this to any seal, quite frankly. I think some liberal blogger (probably a lesbian) doctored this picture on the computer."

Komodo dragon eating a warthog

"Back in Georgia, we have a saying: 'if a komodo dragon is eating your warthog, you let him finish his meal or else he's going to turn on you, and who could blame him since his meal was interrupted by some liberal do-gooder who has nothing better to do than harass hardworking American komodo dragons, Anderson?'"

Octopus eating a crab

"Crabs deserve everything they get, Anderson. They're inferior creatures that just take, take, take. Personally, I want to shake that octopus' tentacles for ridding the earth of one more selfish crab."

UAG

High Dick, Low Dick

If there's one thing that Joel will not tolerate, it's lice.

Joel's chimp servant Chad Yarborough had tussled with some farm animals at the Handon Mall's free petting zoo last week and had somehow caught the lice there. It could have been either the goats or the children, quite frankly.

The chimp servant had neglected to bathe afterwards and had gone straight to preparing Joel's dinner, fricasseed dick with pesto. Then Joel had instructed it to do some dusting all around the apartment.

Long story short, the chimp servant had transmitted lice all over Joel's futon, papa san, flip 'n fuck, his gaming chair, his ceiling-mounted wicker hanging chair, and his director's chair with DICKMASTER printed on the back.

The apartment will be fumigated, and Joel will be forced to sleep at the Doubletree. The chimp servant will temporarily sleep under a 405 overpass.

(pictured above, apparently people on the East coast have EXTREMELY long commutes and never have to pee)

Joel owes dick.

Experian, Equifax and Transunion tried to contact Joel regarding his terrible credit score. All three credit report companies usually take an impartial, hands-off approach with individuals' scores, but Joel's shockingly low score has melted their stone-cold hearts and moved them to try to help him.

It all began when Joel promised to pay some Honduran dude to eat his dick. Months went by and the Honduran dude kept on asking Joel to pay up, but Joel never returned his calls. Instead, he started eating other Honduran dudes' dicks, offering them money for the pleasure and leaving a trail of IOU's. As luck would have it, most of those Honduran dudes work for a very powerful collection agency in Tegucigalpa. The collection agency, unfortunately named El No Payo Uppo Y Ruin Yo Credito Scoro, tried many, many times to collect from Joel, but he just laughed it off or told them they had the wrong number.

Fast forward 3 years to today. Joel's credit score is somewhere below 320. He cannot borrow from the bank now to build his "dream house with a dick-eating grotto." He is refused a New Releases rental at every Blockbuster store, and most bait shops demand payment up front from him.

EADJ is sad to report that Joel now refuses to return any phone calls from Experian, Equifax, and Transunion, even though they've been leaving messages on his machine that say they're desperately worried about him.

Attention Joel: STOP EATING DICK AND ANSWER THE PHONE. We're all worried about your debts (even though none of us will lend you that fiver you keep asking for).

(pictured above, Matt Spett enlists the help of a Best Buy employee to fix his computer)