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Piss-Awful Vegas Act #1

Oh Joel.

One thing you should know about Joel other than the fact that he adores gobbling cock: he is a fastidious dresser.

Joel ordered his chimp servant Chad Yarborough to press his wool pants this morning, which it did but left a tiny crease near the left cuff. Joel scolded it harshly and told him to try it again. Also, to hurry up– Joel had a meeting with Carmen Electra at Ritz Camera in an hour. Why was Carmen Electra slumming at Ritz Camera? You ask her.

The chimp servant had abandoned the pants press in the walk-in closet and tried the steamer instead. But Joel doesn't like steam drops on his wool pants, so he told the chimp servant to go back to trying the iron. What a dick.

After a fourth try on Joel's pants, the chimp servant was successful, and Joel was satisfied.

Once Joel was on his way, the chimp servant pulled out his opium pipe and turned on his Tivo'd "Family Feud."

(pictured above, Tara starts to show signs of stress and takes cover under a box)

Joel's Misadventures At the Food Court

If there's one thing Joel is known for besides eating dick, it's nothing.

So imagine everyone's utter surprise when Joel saunters into the Food Court at the Burbank Town Center, a mall that's known to not have any dick eateries at all!

The kids working the Lotus Express were crestfallen.

Auntie Anne's Pretzels thought it was a joke.

The woman at Saladworks actually shat herself.

Joel, in fact, cause such a stir that he was confronted twice by mall security, once in front of the Piercing Pagoda, and one by the Make Your Own Teddy Bear Bullshit Factory.

Turns out that it wasn't Joel at all, but Roger Camberon, famed Joel impersonator. Roger forgot he had his Joel outfit on instead of his regular clothes and was just bopping in to get a Chilito. But always the professional, Roger took photos with some thrilled fans and signed a few dicks.

(pictured above, a realtor in Maryland who is so successful, he wears a tuxedo and carries a Clio Award with him. More on Young Kang here.)