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America's Got Pathmark

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How To Consult the I Ching Using A Chick-Fil-A Catering Menu

If you ever find yourself in a Chick-Fil-A in need of some sort of ancient oracle to answer a vital life question, look no further than Chick-Fil-A's own catering menu!

You'll find that the platters have been arranged in such a way to correspond with some of the many trigram configurations found in the original I Ching: The Book of Changes. So cast your three coins, ask a spiritual question, and look for the answer, courtesy of the Home of the Original Chicken Sandwich!

Chick-Fil-A Nuggets Tray = QIAN (Heaven)

The Chick-Fil-A Nuggets Tray represents the YANG energy of the universe: the Father, Sun and Fire Element. It also comes with cheesy ranch dressing for dipping.

Chick-Fil-A Chicken Salad Sandwich Tray = LI (Fire)

The Chick-Fil-A Chicken Salad Sandwich Tray can refer to the fire of the human mind and to the fire of the mind of Tao. The fire of the human mind refers to the many desires and emotions that veil the Original Spirit. This does not imply that the chicken salad within is spicy in any way.

Chick-Fil-A Chicken Cool Wrap Tray = KUN (Earth)

The Chick-Fil-A Chicken Cool Wrap Tray is the YIN to the YANG of the Chick-Fil-A Nuggets Tray. The Chick-Fil-A Nuggets Tray is firm and the Chick-Fil-A Chicken Cool Wrap Tray is yielding, They are fitted to embrace each other. They also go well together for corporate outings.

Chick-Fil-A Cool Wrap and Chicken Salad Sandwich Tray = KAN (Water)

Although the original I Ching never combined the parts of the YIN and YANG to create KAN, the Chick-Fil-A Cool Wrap and Chicken Salad Sandwich Tray resembled the configuration of the glyphs most closely. Turns out the KAN has its own complementing opposite: LI, represented by the Chick-Fil-A Chicken Salad Sandwich Tray, although the Chick-Fil-A Chicken Salad Sandwich Tray is half represented in KAN, which doesn't make any sense. Jesus, this whole thing really falls apart...

Chick-Fil-A Chick-N-Strips Tray = DUI (Lake)

Pass.

Two Flyers I Found in San Fran

1)
"$3000 for first prize?! Why, that's exactly how much we need to repair the engine so we can drive to the bachelorette party!"

2)


Now, I don't remember 2 Live Crew ever being associated with mustaches, but okay. SOLD.

Coming Soon to the EADJ Crappinema: Incident On A Dark Street

"A small-time hood is murdered just as he is about to blow the whistle on an organized crime ring."

At first I was weighing the options between "Incident On A Dark Street's" mob crime drama vs. "A Tattered Web's" detective crime drama, but then I noticed WILLIAM SHATNER IN A 'STACHE. Holy fucking hell we are DOING THIS, people!


Stay tuned. Hopefully it won't take 4 months like "Jock of the Motherfucking Bushveldt."

Matt S: A Review of the Complete Discography of DragonForce

Editor's Note: EADJ is proud to present a full entry by Toucan Cleric Fun's own Matt S. We look forward to entries like this in the future from this contributing art director!

A Review of the Complete Discography of DragonForce

I used to joke with my old roommates that the surest way to come up with a "hit" TV show, movie, or band would be to combine any Animal, Group Affiliation and/or Number/Letter.

MantisTeam,
CougarSquad,
TigerCorps7,
GiraffeSector9.

And while I thought that conversation was only heard within the walls of our shitty 1.5 bedroom apartment in Murray Hill at the time, apparently our thoughts and ridicule leapt far across the pond to the shores of London.

Out of the ashes of Demoniak comes DragonForce, once almost titled DragonHeart.

That's right, DragonForce.

Not a new sci-fi show on My9. Not a USA Network miniseries.
Not even the new trading card game from the makers of Magic.

It's as if the 12-year-old you used to be, wasting hours away in your basement talking to Dungeon Masters about the best way to barter with orcs and gnomes was a guitar virtuoso.
Who actually lived in a Tolkein fantasy worlds. And believes that Hobbits are real, and Trees can walk.

That is, in essence, DragonForce.
They are the riders of thunderstorms. The dawn-bringers of fire and flames.
The saviors of the fallen. Those fell by Dragons.
In fact, nearly every song in their collection is a quest, a journey through the endless seas of damnation and the vanquishing of the pure from the evil and those with lost souls.

I ask you this: If the lads of DragonForce are riding with the horsemen warriors on long distant shores and always saving the souls of the forgotten through snow and tainted mountains, where do they get rehearsal space? Are their amps and mics on the mountains high?
Can they fill stadiums in the long forgotten wastelands?
And do the roadies for the group also have to walk the lonely road to battle chaos?

Who, may you ask, does the 'Force ride with on their quest of salvation of soul atop the wings of destiny?

Helloween rides with the DragonForce.
W.A.S.P. rides with the DragonForce.
Angra rides with the DragonForce.
Mendeed rides with the DragonForce.
Iron Maiden rides with the DragonForce.
Power Quest rides with the DragonForce.
Shadow Warriors ride with the DragonForce.

That says nothing, and yet everything.


DragonForce, as a musical group, are not simply Bringers of the Burning Starfire. They are talented, pushing your eardrums to submission by pure will and the might of what is right in these dark, evil times.
Amazing harmonies of guitars, complete with bleeding fingers.
And the drummer is amazing. Although he probably died of heart failure right after recording their first track.
So track 2's drummer is also amazing, but died.
Track 3? Great, but then he dies.
Track 4? Great, and dead.

They have 36 songs across 4 albumns. That's a lot of dead drummers.
I wonder if they are kept in a heap at the feet of the Dragon.


Their albumns are thus:

"Valley Of The Damned" (2003)
"Sonic Firestorm" (2004)
"Inhuman Rampage" (2006)
"Ultra Beatdown" (2008)


Those sound like Mortal Kombat III moves, not albums. They are weapons you can purchase online with XBox Live. Those sound like Mortal Kombat III moves, not albums. And I assure you, every album is a fatality. Of your soul.



Some of my favorite songs, not so much for their lyrical prowess, or their musicianship, but only for their titles alone:

Invocation Of The Apocalyptic Evil - The first track on their first album sets the tone for what is about to come. Again and Again.

Disciples of Babylon - I indeed hope to be a disciple of an aincent city destroyed and rebuilt and destroyed again and agian.

Fields of Despair - like the harvest fileds in the Matrix, only for your ears.

Operation Ground and Pound - Like the troop surge, only more successful, because all dragons and evil armies of demons are no more.

Strike of the Ninja - their best song, because it's about a ninja, and possibly the best song EVER. It could not be more ninja. It could try, but it would fail.

And the final track, EPM. Which may stand for Earplugs Please My Goodness, I'm hemmoraging in my soul!



Some of my favorite lyrics:


"On the black wind forever we ride on together
Destroying your evil with freedom our guide
When the master will storm us
He'll stand high before us
Our hearts filled with splendour
Our swords will shine over the light"



"Can't you see the history the suffocating madness
In the land of fallen souls there's nowhere left no place to go
I have traveled far and wide across the wasteland
Still searching for the answers for the right to understand"


"Still we're searching endlessly
Crashing over seven seas
Torturing the winter skies riding over plains of ice
Shadows in the fields of the slain!"


and


"Whoa, oh oh oh,
Whoa, oh oh oh,
Whoa, oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh ohhh,
Whoa, oh oh oh,
Whoa, oh oh oh,
Whoa, oh oh oh oh oh ohhhh oh oh oh."



These guys are who the Orcs in Lord Of The Rings listen to, even though the Orc leaders have banned their CDs from Middle Earth.

If not for the hilarity of their name, song titles, and lyrics, they should be banned from THIS earth as well.

***EADJJJ (EAT A DICK JOEL JERALD JOHNSON) UPDATE***

UPDATE: Nope, nothing new yet.