Spotted in South Orange

A bench in front of Stop & Shop:

What happened here?

What is that orange smudge on the bench?

Where's the rest of the trombone?

Hello? 

Say Goodbye To More Shit

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! (sprayed) Goodbye! Goodbye!

And just so you know, I have managed to archive all of these and currently have 297 say goodbye screenshots. Keep it up, hack advertisers!

Things Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex and Meghan Markle, Duchess of Sussex Talk About

• How Grandpa looks silly in that crown

• What tell-all books they could write, now that both of them have already told all in tell-all books

• What's new on Netflix

• How things were different shooting on Hallmark Movie sets, but different in a good way

• Where to store these polo boots in this lousy 2 bedroom apartment

• If being a Duke or Duchess expedites hiring at Walmart

• Who farted

UAG

The Latest New Benefits Of An AMC Stubs Rewards Membership

AMC would like you to join their Stubs Rewards program. How badly? Well, they've partnered with a ton of co-sponsors to bring you the hottest, latest exclusive perks if you JOIN NOW! Here are the latest benefits you can enjoy as an AMC Stubs member:

• The guy at Dunkin will show you his hilarious dick tattoo

• Everyone at the Hair Cuttery will discuss movies with you, no matter how boring you are

• Free large popcorn with purchase of the entire AMC theatre

• The local car dealership will let you take a "test drive" to the part of town that has prostitutes

• Access to exclusive AMC gummy worms in commemorative collectible box

• If anyone slaps the phone out of your hand for texting during a movie, we will let you fight back

• Free golf cart ride to the bathroom waaaay over on the other side of the theatre

• Free commas ,,,,,,,,,,,,,

• If any big name Hollywood celebrities show up to watch a movie, we'll let you sit behind them so you can smell their hair

• Free unpopped popcorn kernels- all you can carry home!

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

UAG

Stick In The Hole, Chapter 1

Picture below, some instructional books at Babies R Us show you how to become a parent in one easy step.

Meanwhile, At The Stop N Shop,

Three Stupid Monday Morning Captchas

A South Park-inspired one from Matt S:


And this one when I tried to comment on Larry K's blog Missing Link:


Hey, update your blog, Larry! It's been seven months!

Another note: You'll notice on that last screenshot that there's a second tab with the now-defunct "They Said This" blog that Dan had built. It was the funniest fucking thing ever. Goddamn, I miss that blog.

An Imagined Conversation

"Hey Bow Wow."
"Hey T-Pain. What's going on?"
"Not much. Listen, you know how both of us are starring in this upcoming movie 'Lottery Ticket?'"
"We are?"
"I know. I've never heard of it, either. But take a look at the movie poster. Take a good look at the credits at the top."
"Okay."
"You notice anything about it?"
"No. Just that I'm first. Ha ha!"
"Yeah, good for you and all that. But listen, Lil' Bow Wow.."
"HEY. It's JUST Bow Wow now."
"Sorry. Bow Wow, look how everyone has their first name, then their last name gets blown up in bigger letters."
"Yeah? So?"
"Well, look at my name. Mine's ALL big. Ice CUBE. Bow WOW. Mike EPPS. And mine's just T-PAIN, not T-PAIN."
"Wait. How were those two different?"
"The first time I said 'T,' it was in lower case. The second time I said it in bold upper case."
"No, you didn't. You said T-PAIN the same way twice."
"Well, shit. Forget how I said it; it would look different on the poster."
"Oh. Okay."
"My point is, my name's been reduced to a single word, like Cher, Madonna, or Prince."
"That doesn't sound like a bad thing, man. That makes you an icon. Hey, wait; maybe what you could do is put your rap name in quotes, like Curtis '50 Cent' Jackson or Chris 'Ludacris' Bridges when you're acting."
"My real name's Faheem Rasheed Najm."
"T-Pain it is, then."

"Conversation" Starter

There's a conductor on the NJ Transit train who I've noticed mispronounces one of these names of the stops on my route:

Maplewood
Millburn
Short Hills
Chatham
Madison
Convent Station
Morristown
Morris Plains
Denville
Dover

At first I thought I was hearing things, but he made the announcement three times and I heard it every time: he announces "Convent Station" as "Conversation."


I know what you're thinking: "Aw, he's just saying it so fast that it sounds like 'conversation.'" Well, you're wrong, homeslice. I may blast Pantera on my iPod, but I can still hear clearly once in a while.


Video proof:



Maplewood
Millburn
Short Hills
Chatham
Madison
Convent Station
Morristown
Morris Plains
Denville
Dover

I swear he says "conversation." Watch it again.

An Utterly Riveting EADJ Entry

The other morning on the jitney to the train, I spotted a weird plant on the driver's pants:



It wasn't weed. But it looked like he had run through some woods or hedges. Or maybe he helped some old lady carry a plant to her car.

Or more likely, it's because he drives the shuttle literally through branches. Watch the bushwacking after he picks somebody up:



Holy crap. This entry is so boring that I don't even want to do a closing thought.

"I'll Just Take the Next Bus, Thanks."

(pictured above, New York City continues to be safe for people who are observant enough)

Look Behind You, ASSHOLE.

Yaaay! No Assholes!

(pictured above, Tom uses some positive reinforcement for the folks standing the correct way at the Hampton Jitney bus stop)

From This Month's New Yorker.

Hampton Jitney: A Visual Guide

Why Do Dicks Suddenly Appear / Every Time / Joel Opens His Mouth?

A dickmaking class? What is that?

Joel saw the flyer for a dickmaking class at the community center in Modesto and was instantly interested. What better way to ensure the constant eating of dick by actually making it? He could be self-sufficient, like, forever!

So he was definitely excited (and hungry like a mother) when he showed up on Tuesday night at 7:30pm in the Barbados conference room.

And what he beheld was nothing like of which he had never done seen: rows and rows of people fashioning dick from yarn, meat and balloons. Big ones, small ones, some with cartoon eyes, and for some odd reason, one with dicks for legs.

Before the lady at the registration table could stop him, Joel had pounced on the first table in sight and began devouring dick like a really good simile. He thrashed and bounced around the room with dozens of dicks in his mouth. People were screaming and running.

Details get really fuzzy from there, but word has it Joel somehow escaped the hub-bub with over 6,000 dicks in hand and was last spotted at a picnic table in the Shasta-Trinity National Forest in Northern California.

(pictured above, Tom W demonstrates the correct way to wait for the bus at the "Hampton Jitney" 40th and 3rd Ave. bus stop while some old biddies sit the wrong way like a couple of assholes)

A Local Nuisance.

There's this bus stop on the corner of 40th and 3rd Avenue that for some reason has a bench facing the wrong way. So people who have to wait for the eastbound bus have to sit like assholes facing away from the street.


Having to ride the bus is pretty demoralizing to begin with, but to be forced to sit the wrong way like a total asshole seems cruel and unusual.


Of course, free will is involved here– you can choose to be sensible and stand so that you can see the bus coming. Or you can sit on a poorly-planned bus bench like some kind of asshole. Your choice.