All the Latest Influencers Added To VidCon US 2024

VidCon 2024 is coming to Las Vegas, and boy, the already full roster of special guests is expanding even more! So secure your tickets now so you can see these social luminaries onstage:

• The Hawk Tuah Girl's best friend Chelsea will show up and wave to the crowd for $50,000

• A Jake Paul look-a-like will box a Mike Tyson look-a-like for counterfeit money. Nothing is real.

• For $50, SSSniperwolf will doxx you

• Joe Rogan will try some new material after locking all the exit doors

• Remember Fred? No? Well, he's showing up anyway. 

Pizza Flavored, My Eye

Hey food companies and snack conglomerates: PLEASE STOP MAKING PIZZA FLAVORED THINGS. It never works. Ever. The promise of eating something flavored like pizza will never capture the total flavor and texture of eating a slice, no matter how many chemicals you spray on whatever.

At the very most, what you created approximates pizza in some way, with hints of cheese flavor and pepperoni flavor and burnt dough flavor, but ultimately, it's a bad semblance of the real thing.

So instead of piping hot pizza, you have room temperature bagel with bagel texture that doesn't taste like a bagel but instead tastes kind of like pizza. Yuck.

Look at this shit. Lay's promises the chips you eat here will taste like a gooey deep dish Chicago style pizza. Now I'm not the biggest fan of deep dish, but looking at that great photo, I'd rather eat that than some average chips sprayed with essence of marinara sauce. Hell, even dipping Lay's chips INTO heated marinara sauce won't be as good as pizza.

So, stop. You're never going to pull it off. Ever. Stop trying to make it. No one asked you to do it. No one wants something like pizza when THEY CAN HAVE PIZZA. Okay? Stop. Stop it. Stop. Please. Please stop.

Dear Ice Cream and Pizza:

STAY IN YOUR LANE. Nobody wants ice cream served up like pizza, and no one wants pizza served up like ice cream. Or pizza flavored ice cream, or ice cream flavored pizza, or any iteration of any of that shit. Ice cream rules. Pizza rules. DON'T MIX THE TWO THINGS BECAUSE THAT WILL SUCK.

No, random dude from Episode 2 of Ms. Marvel. I'm serious.

CUT IT OUT, ICE CREAM AND PIZZA.

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

6 Lies Told By The Hornblower Jazzy Champagne Brunch Cruise Brochure

1) There is no mention of the below-decks orgy that occurs halfway through brunch.

2) "Contact us for deals & specials." They neglected to share the password for the below-decks orgy, which is "Land ho!" Seriously, it's a proper no-holds-barred, go-for-the-gusto orgy with plenty of penetration, spouse-swapping, and stretched-to-the-limit latex.

3) "Glorious views" indeed. Staring into a stranger's gaping 50-year-old vagina after a couple of mimosas is pretty darn glorious.

4) "There's no better way to brunch." ;)

5) That ain't chocolate.

6) "Photo opportunities with New York's most iconic landmarks." In actuality, there are NO CAMERAS OR PHONES ALLOWED in the below-decks orgy for privacy and security reasons. Anyone caught taking a selfie while some rando Lithuanian is balls deep in you will be severely reprimanded and asked to leave.

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EADJ and the American Society of Six Lies Told are thrilled to announce the Six Lies Told fragrance, bottled and distributed by Lamå Rousse perfumery. The fragrance itself is an oriental musk, with hints of white florals and iced coffee. Starting out with top notes of whipped crème coffee, clementine and nectarine, the scent’s mid notes are made up of dulce de leche, orange flower and jasmine sambac. Rounding the fragrance out are the richer base notes of luminous amber and sensual musk.

The Six Lies Told fragrance will sell for $1500 for an 8 oz. bottle.

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Create Deviled Shrimp On A Triscuit

Lay 24 Triscuit crackers on a serving tray. Prepare 1/3 cup of fresh guacamole and place a dollop on each cracker. Cook 24 medium shrimp and place one on each guacamole dollop. Gently ladle some chipotle pepper in adobo sauce over each shrimp, then garnish with basil, parsley, and cumin.

And speaking of cumin, if you're going to have sex in the back of my limo while I'm driving you somewhere, please don't wipe up using my nice cloth napkins. Gross.

UAG

Some Hollywood Movie Ideas Based On Some Toys Spotted At Walgreens

The entertainment complex continues to desperately mine every avenue for ideas for movie scripts.  Here are the latest in-development properties that Universal Studios, Warner Brothers, Sony Pictures, 20th Century Fox and MGM are working on:

"So Soft Baby" starring Sasha Grey and Tom Hardy

An ex-con vows to protect his stripper girlfriend from a marauding band of devil worshipping swordsmen, led by Steve Buscemi.

"Battery Operated Cash Register" starring Sean Astin, Kat Dennings and Michael Douglas

A flea market comes alive when newcomers Astin and Dennings take over the wicker chair repair booth run by veteran Douglas. Karen O and Barbra Streisand collaborate on the soundtrack.

"Brute Construction" starring Toby Maguire, Corbin Bernsen, Cheri Oteri and Dan Fogler

Three gay guys start a construction site and discover the deep-rooted prejudice (and HILARIOUS HIJINX!) in the industry. Cheri Oteri stars as their wacky/sensitive receptionist.

"Street Savage" starring Dane Cook, Rhys Ifans and Alison Brie

A take-no-prisoners, run-from-the-law, lone gun, lone wolf, black sheep from the wrong side of the tracks gets fired from a tanning salon, run by Rhys Ifans, who isn't having it.

"Tommy the Turtle" starring Steve Carell, Eddie Money, Glenn Close and Freddie Highmore

This partially animated family film follows the journey of a computer generated talking turtle as he tries to reconnect with the family that left him at the beach "by accident."

"Play Food Basket" starring Eddie Griffin, David Alan Grier, Vivica A. Fox, and Jamie Foxx

This movie isn't directed by Tyler Perry. Why does that surprise you?

UAG

The NJ Transit Survey Brochure Photo Models: Now as Nintendo Miis!

I wonder if the models for this stupid photo ever imagined that their likenesses would be immortalized as Miis on an obscure blog about Joel eating dicks. Probably.

"JESSE"

"JESS"

"ANGIE"

"TRINA"

"DON WITH THE THUMBS"

"SIMON PETER"

THIS BLOG IS A HUGE WASTE OF EVERYONE'S TIME THANK YOU

An Imagined Conversation

"Seth."

"Hey, Rachel."

"Do you mind if I ask you something?"

"Sure, what?"

"Do I look like a fucking retard?"

"That's not cool. My cousin happens to be mentally cha..."

"DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING RETARD?!"

"Uh, no, Rachel. No you don't."

"Then why the fuck would you try to pull one over on me on the Dominos Chicken Wings packaging?"

"Excuse me?"

"Look, I hired you as a freelance illustrator out of the goodness of my heart, Seth. Your portfolio was decent, you didn't cost much, and I happened to be in a good mood that day. Today, I am NOT in a good fucking mood."

"What seems to be the problem?"

"Look for yourself, asshole."

(Seth examines the Dominos Chicken Wings packaging)

"You don't see anything wrong, Seth?"

"Uh, no. I don't..."

"LOOK, Seth. The Mediterranean Veggie is switched with the Chicken Habanero! They're both mislabeled!"

"Oh."

"Yeah, 'oh,' asshole. You fucked up. This has already gone to press, and now I look like a fucking incompetent asshole because you screwed up the Chicken Habanero with the Mediterranean Veggie. Now when people order the Mediterranean Veggie after seeing the illustration on the side of this Chicken Wings box, they'll expect what in actuality is the Chicken Habanero sandwich."

"The proofreader missed something, too, by the way. 'Cheese Steak' is one word."

"MARGARET!!!!"

A New Jersey Mystery

Ever since I've taken the NJ Transit train to New York, out the window I've noticed workers out in the swampy area around Secaucus. But instead of clearing the marsh area or dumping toxic waste like normal people, they've been laying down hundreds of wooden palettes. In the middle of bumfuck nowhere.


And when I say "nowhere," you have to understand, there's nothing but dry cattails and knee-deep mud in this entire area. Why these workers would haul a bunch of equipment and supermarket palettes out there is an annoying mystery to me.



I know what you're going to say: "maybe they're filling up the deep water with the palettes to help minimize soil erosion so that they can eventually build a high-end shopping plaza on top of that area with a nail salon that doesn't tear the shit out of your cuticles when they push them with their sharp little nail tool."

Right. But why would they do it so shittily and haphazardly like that? Are they just laying a few at a time as a little engineering experiment? Again, it would be a shitty and haphazard experiment.


It's certainly not meant to be a secret dumping ground, because they're obviously doing it in open view of thousands of train commuters.


In "Fraggle Rock," there was a little race of builders called "Doozers" that built little bridges and scaffolding for no apparent reason. The big difference being, Doozers worked in dark, cramped quarters underground, and these New Jersey workers are working in New Jersey. Pause for laughter.


I had taken it upon myself to name several of the structures:

"The Partial Trail"
"The Partial Dock"
"Ugly Stack"
"Wooden Line"
"Scheherazade"
"L-Shaped Half-Assed Project"



And just as baffling as the building of these structures is the fact that they've also been dismantled without ceremony or explanation. You have to wonder if this is all some corrupt Superfund project– millions of your tax dollars being spent on two guys playing dominos with gigantic wood palettes in a swamp.

Racist Appliances!

It's time to check in with the Racist Appliances and see what they've been up to:






Racist appliances!

Project Fountain: Recap, Postmortem, and Next Steps

Since our last Project Fountain entry on December 15, there hasn't been any activity at the Old Bridge Deli dining area, either from a hiding-toys-in-the-fountain standpoint or a reason-to-eat-there-to-see-if-anyone-noticed standpoint. The sudden removal of ALL the toys on December 10 (from now on known as "The Great Purge") left little to rebuild on, a veritable scorched earth policy that has left the region barren for half a year. Fortunately, some donations for future placement by Larry K and Matt S could revitalize this project. Enough time has also passed for the management of the Old Bridge Deli to have forgotten about last year's invasion, so EADJ looks forward to reporting any potential new developments in Project Fountain. But if Old Bridge Deli employees are somehow reading this blog, no, we are just talking abstractly and are NOT planning anything. Hey, look over there!

An Open Letter To Pizza Burger

Hi Pizza Burger,

What's up. Not much here. Guess I haven't eaten you in a while. I guess I took me some time to really think about our relationship, and it's probably time we had a talk.

No, don't worry. I'm not mad at anything you did. To be honest, when I saw you being eaten by that guy at the diner on Union Street, I really didn't mind.

You see, I think we're done. And although many breakups begin with "it's not you, it's me," it really feels like it's you this time.


I was certainly attracted to the whole idea of you when we first met back in high school. What? A BURGER with PIZZA FLAVOR? Hells, yes! But either blame it on my ignorance on how burgers work or on my callow optimism, but I was really into you. The snack bar at the bowling alley. The Montreal Café in North Carolina. Even the airport TGI Friday's. All were tawdry attempts at deliciousness, only to be met with a stomach ache and gassy cramps.


But in my desire to somehow make it work, I kept on ordering you whenever I saw you on a menu. I was convinced that there had to be more to you than just some melted mozzarella and tomato sauce slapped on a burger. So I kept on letting you disappoint me and abuse my intestines like that.


But now that I'm older, I've seen you for what you are. A sham. You're nothing more than a poor burger trying to mask its inadequacies by tarting yourself up like a pizza. But you're not a delicious slice of pizza, you never were. So take off all that mozzarella and tomato paste. Seriously, you're embarrassing yourself.

Call me when you're ready to grow up,

EADJ