The ProofrEADJer: May Edition

UAG

Three Stupid Monday Morning Captchas

A South Park-inspired one from Matt S:


And this one when I tried to comment on Larry K's blog Missing Link:


Hey, update your blog, Larry! It's been seven months!

Another note: You'll notice on that last screenshot that there's a second tab with the now-defunct "They Said This" blog that Dan had built. It was the funniest fucking thing ever. Goddamn, I miss that blog.

Wal-Mart is More Pathmark Than Pathmark

Lobsterfest Continues!

It's week two of Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, and we've still got lots of great ways for you to enjoy the lobster explosion that is Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster! Check out these latest lobster-related offerings:

• We inject sweet, tangy HGH into every juicy morsel. Then we turn it loose in a crowded college bar, pull up a seat and watch the delicious results! It’s just another great more way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster! (as reported by Dan C from the Red Lobster in Chicago!)

• We hollow out a coconut, fill it with lobster, and encourage the largest man in the restaurant (based purely on sight) to take the coconut lobster cannonball to his chest. Patrons gather around—the excitement is palpable! We get the two strongest bussers to toss the lobstersphere into the man’s considerable stomach at high speed. If the coconut explodes on impact, the lobster innards are offered on a first come, first serve basis. If not, we slice the coconut open and drink the delicious lobster innards. Either way, it’s dinner and a show. That’s just one more way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster! (as reported by Andrew Gall from the Red Lobster in Seattle!)

• We fill three old fashioned milk cans– two with hundred dollar bills, and one with lobster meat. We cover the three cans and shuffle them and ask you to choose one. If you pick the one full of lobster meat, we give a huge sigh of relief that we didn’t go broke that time. It’s another fun way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• You die. After traveling through a tunnel, you appear on a serene plane of pure light, surrounded by all your friends and loved ones who have previously passed. Your souls are all connected by one consciousness in a constant stream of peace and harmony. You all dine on delicious crab fritters and lobster rolls. Just another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• You sit in a dank room in a cellar at an undisclosed location. We bring out a lobster and strap it to a chair. A man in a welding mask enters and asks the lobster where the stolen tapes are. Despite every denial by the lobster, the man in the welding mask slowly and methodically tortures the lobster to death using a drill, pliers, and a dull knife; it’s also revealed that no “stolen tapes” exist at all. When the entire brutal torture/murder is over, you get your pick of all the delicious lobster meat that’s left! That’s another great way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We send a few employees over to your house to watch the entire DVD set of "The Wire" on your big screen TV. When your wife complains about having company over past the kids' bedtime, one of our employees says something snide about her which you don't entirely catch but are pretty offended by. Later, during the series finale, you finally confront him about what he said, and it turns out he was just muttering the words "Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster." Now that's one great way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We send you on an unmanned blimp ride. You discover as you ascend that there are no controls in the cabin- just platters of delicious, buttery, steamed lobster. Also in the cabin is a raccoon, which we hadn't planned on, but was attracted to the smell of the food. You enjoy each savory bite of lobster as you and your raccoon companion drift away to unknown heights, wondering if your cell phone will even work this high up. Just another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

Well, Lookee Here- Another Off-Brand T.P. Roundup!

Well, apparently the EADJ filing system needs improvement, because we just happened upon a folder of enough off brand T.P. photos to rustle together an actual entry. Go figure.


Off Brand Name: Renew
Graphic/Design on Label: Leaves (very telling of the texture)
Type of Sears Tool It Feels Like When Wiping With: Craftsman belt sander


Off Brand Name: Renature Bathroom Tissue (get it?)
Graphic/Design on Label: Maple leaf border surrounding a sketch of a pine tree that looks like it was drawn by someone sticking a Sharpie up their ass.
Which of the Seven Dwarves This T.P. Would Be: Grumpy


Off Brand Name: Genuine Joe Bath Absorbent Tissue
Graphic/Design on Label: Abstract janitor-looking guy with a red spray bottle(?!?!??!)
Breed of Cat That Would Appreciate This Paper: Cornish Rex


Off Brand Name: 'S' Quality Bathroom Tissue
Graphic/Design on Label: Big Blue 'S'
Physical Characteristics of Someone After Using This Paper Big Blue 'S'

The EADJ Crappinema Presents Da Station

Remember that great show "WKRP?" And the urban comedy smash "Barbershop?" Well, the makers of Da Station saw them, too, and figured they could make something as good or better. Problem is nobody amongst them knew how to write dialogue. Or a plot. Or knew how to type it up on the computer. Or knew how to fix the printer once the "low ink" light came on. So the movie was pretty much a neato premise with an impressive cast that slowly falls apart due to no story. By the end, it's such a flaccid pigfuck that I'm surprised anyone showed up at the last day.



























And with all hip hoppers, it always ends in violence (did white guys write this?).


(Click to play)
$5 to anyone who can decipher what these two guys are mumbling.









So by this point, the filmmakers were throwing pretty much everything against the wall to make the movie interesting. One of the things they threw was a Miss Big Booty '96 pageant full of more terrible stereotypes! Yay!


(Click to play)





When you're writing a comedy ("urban" or not), I understand that you often have to create broad characters and situations to get the funny. But to have two types of characters: the jackass clown and the straight, boring one who isn't a jackass clown, you're just being lazy.

Overall grade: F