Scaring People Away for Only $5

Pictured above, Five Below offers a way for Old Man Jenkins to keep meddling kids from snooping around their abandoned diamond mine.

UAG

A Quick Word About Project Mc2 Toys For Girls

It's encouraging to see a booming interest in S.T.E.M. (Science, Technology, Engineering and Math) subjects among children and young people, and with that comes the advent of STEM-related toys for sale. Some toys are better than others, of course. But one particular brand is trying to cash in on the STEM craze while still keeping their feet in the goddamned 1950s. I'm talking about Project Mc2 toys, based on a web series of the same name featuring "a highly secretive group of female government operatives who are trying to protect the world."

Project Mc2, rather than just promoting learning and interest in scientific subjects, chooses to add a thin layer of "science" to the archaic notion that girls should just play with makeup and go to the spa and worry about their appearance. The result is this grotesque mashup of encouraging learning and not-so-subtly keeping women and girls in their place.

I'm sure the argument here is "well, girls do like makeup and getting dressed up and doing their nails" which might be true, but why reinforce all that on girls who might only want to learn about science? Why girl-ify anything just because you want to pander girls? Science is science and interesting enough as it is. You don't need to put a pink skirt on a supercollider so girls can learn about atoms.

Beauticians are scientists! Hair stylists are conducting experiments!

Perfume, WITH SCENTS INCLUDED?! Wow, a bonus!

"Spa experiments." "Slumber Party Science Kit." You know, girls can be girls, but this cynical pandering (and patriarchal pressuring) is not fucking welcome in 2019.

Let's Push The Hippo Heads Until They Eat All of The White Marbles From The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by John Reid via MMS, a fountain at a Chinese restaurant:



Reid adds, "If you stare at it long enough, it makes you gay."

Whenever A Door Closes...

I happened by 41st Street yesterday and noticed that The Old Bridge Deli is no more. In its place is "Everyday Gourmet Deli." Crappy name. Under new management, I guess.


The first question I had was answered immediately with a sign out front:


FUCK YES. I guess we'll be trying out an old favorite in the new joint! No word yet on if they still have the random, vandalizable fountain upstairs. Stay tuned on whether we'll move Project Fountain to phase 3.

Project Hillbilly Teeth, Phase 3

(cue irritating banjo music)


Project Hillbilly Teeth continues into its third stage, marking the first trilogy. Here now is a recap of PHT's mission goals:

1) find discarded business cards in public places

2) retain these business cards to protect these innocent people from identity thieves

3) mail to those people a confusing letter with a free package of "Bubba" Hillbilly Teeth

4) bask in how much confusion you imagine them feeling


It must be reiterated that our purpose here is to provide awareness to the dangers of identity theft. This is a serious undergoing that has inspired dozens of high schools and technical colleges to request that we come by to speak to kids, but we don't want to do that crap. If "Dr. T and the Women" taught us anything, it's that we must protect ourselves before we wreck ourselves.

This round, we had gathered business cards from streets, gutters, and train platforms to bring you a veterinarian, a TV political analyst, and a scoutmaster.

Click to enlarge and read:




And here now are the requisite composites of how we imagine these fine people looking when they try on the hillbilly teeth:




It's a colossal waste of time!

(end irritating banjo music)

Somebody At Old Bridge Deli is Fucking With Me.

In a December entry, EADJ revealed that along with all the other toys that had been purged in "The Great Purge," some native figurines had also disappeared from the Old Bridge Deli fountain.

This visual from the December entry tracks the disappearance of two "nativity figures:"


But months and months later, we discovered that two of the indigenous figures had been RETURNED to their little manger-hut thing. This photo was taken June 15:


Now, after consulting the boys in the EADJ Think Tank®, we have come up with four possible scenarios to explain why they would return:

SCENARIO ONE: The two figures were being cleaned by a Chinese figurine cleaning specialist, Wang Tzu-sung (yes, the same Wang Tzu-sung who plays shortstop for Uni-President Lions of Chinese Professional Baseball League). Due to his hectic baseball schedule (which he pronounces "sheh-jool" like the English do), Wang Tzu-sung has taken longer than usual to clean the mold, dust, and water stains from the figures.


SCENARIO TWO: Some asshole at Old Bridge Deli knows about this blog and reads it regularly to see if we post his manipulations. Well, we're talking to YOU now, Old Bridge employee! You think this is some kind of sick chess game, with your Chinese figurines as playing pieces on that chess board that you call a fountain? Well, CHECKMATE, my brother! The game is afoot, and your ass is aplomb! (Yeah, that didn't make any sense.)

SCENARIO THREE: Skynet, a self-aware network of supercomputers, has launched two shapeshifting cyborgs, or "Terminators," back in time to kill a young Basil Connor, beloved cousin of John Connor, the future leader of the human resistance. The reason why the machines would go through all the trouble to kill a cousin of John Connor or why the Terminators have chosen to take the shape of two chintzy Chinese figurines remains unclear, but when you think about it, most of the last few movies don't make a lick of sense anyway. Directed by McG. Rated R.

SCENARIO FOUR: I'm losing my mind.

Project Fountain: Recap, Postmortem, and Next Steps

Since our last Project Fountain entry on December 15, there hasn't been any activity at the Old Bridge Deli dining area, either from a hiding-toys-in-the-fountain standpoint or a reason-to-eat-there-to-see-if-anyone-noticed standpoint. The sudden removal of ALL the toys on December 10 (from now on known as "The Great Purge") left little to rebuild on, a veritable scorched earth policy that has left the region barren for half a year. Fortunately, some donations for future placement by Larry K and Matt S could revitalize this project. Enough time has also passed for the management of the Old Bridge Deli to have forgotten about last year's invasion, so EADJ looks forward to reporting any potential new developments in Project Fountain. But if Old Bridge Deli employees are somehow reading this blog, no, we are just talking abstractly and are NOT planning anything. Hey, look over there!

Something I've Discovered About People

No matter where a fountain might be, whether it's in the dining area of a crappy deli, or in Trafalgar Square, or even in a display in a Lowe's Home Improvement Store, people will always want to throw their coins in it.


Always.

It Ain't Over

Okay, I had no intention of posting a Project Fountain update. Frankly, I'm tired of the bit and the "Great Purge" from last week just broke my heart. So I went into Old Bridge Deli just to grab a sandwich and a gallon of milk. But what I saw in the fountain in the upstairs dining area did warrant an EADJ entry:





Somebody there is fucking with me now.

Beating a Dead Fountain

It's the day after "The Great Purge" of Project Fountain, and we have discovered that there's been some collateral damage; some of the original native figures and objects from the fountain have been unwittingly swept away with the impostors.

Two "nativity figures:"



One water stream barrier:

Epilogue

Click image to read. Unless you like squinting.

AND THEN THERE WERE NONE.

Mission Sorta Accomplished: Project Fountain 5.2