A Baffling Tie-In

Spotted at Walgreens, a poster for... uh... What is this poster for?

It's not selling any merchandise that ties in with the release of "Freakier Friday". The poster is placed at the front of the store, not next to anything in particular. And the copy just reads:

From mundane Mondays to freakier Fridays, we got you.

Whether you're 18, 80 or somewhere in between, Walgreens is here to help.

We're for Women.

What the hell? Disney just gave Walgreens money to display a super vague, half-assed movie mention in the hope that somebody who needed lip balm or their diuretic medication sees it and immedately wants to watch the movie? We're they hoping their target audience would be like, "I was gonna grab some M&Ms, VO5 shampoo and a bedpan, but now that you mention it, I think I'm going to see the Lindsey Lohan/Jamie Lee Curtis long awaited sequel 'FREAKIER FRIDAY' in theatres now!"

Could someone in marketing please explain this to me? thx

BONUS Semi-related segment:

I saw this photo on Facebook and my dumb geek ass briefly thought Jamie Lee Curtis was standing in an R2D2 body.

Spotted at Walgreens

Some mixed signals from the big W:

Hollywood Gives Up and Just Makes Movies Out of Products That Celebrities Are Currently Endorsing

The major studios have been out of original movie ideas for years. But only now have they figured, Why not just make a movie out of the movie stars' product endorsements that you can find at your local Walgreens? Here now are all the synergistic releases movie audiences can look forward to:

"Cozy Days To Glamorous Nights" starring Tamera Mowry

An identical twin estranged from her sister travels to the Italian island of Scünci to get away from her troubles. She hangs out in sweatshirts and yoga pants (cozy days) in her isolated villa but eventually finds love when she meets a mysterious dark winemaker (glamorous nights). Rated R for nudity and coarse language.

"Nobody Glows Like You" starring Taraji P. Henson

An inspirational semi-fictional-biopic of Taraji's rise to fame. Taraji stars as a young daughter of a royal space archaeologist who unites his moon colony to dethrone the tyrannical Mars invaders. Music by Taraji P. Henson and The Killers.

"Hyaluron + Plump" starring Eva Longoria and Ellie Fanning

A female buddy cop movie– Longoria plays the strait-laced Captain Valerie Plump who's very sensitive about her surname, and Fanning plays the flighty Gen Z rookie Moonbeam Hyaluron. Together they uncover a corruption scandal that reaches all the way to CITY HALL!!!!! Rated PG-13 with an upbeat soundtrack by Fall Out Boy, Lizzo, and Maggie Rogers.

Let's Shave Gyro Meat Off of the Sides of the EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Emily Kane, this article with a technically correct but very lazy photo caption: 

"We Must Live Together As Brothers or Perish Together As Pathmark.”

Upcoming Hollywood Movies Based On Black Hair Products at Walgreens

It's common knowledge that Hollywood is plum out of ideas. Desperate for the next screenplay, top studios have sent screenwriters to all corners of American culture to scoop up the next movie release idea. The following films have recently been greenlit, all based on the black hair section in your local Walgreens:

"Creme of Nature" starring Donald Glover, Letitia Wright and Dave Faustino

A young veterinarian (Glover) discovers a way to extract milk from any animal, regardless of species or gender. His sister (Wright) warns him against starting his own dairy business, right before he gets a visit from Father Nature (Faustino). Rated R for lots of bad CG.

"Olive Miracle" starring Meryl Streep, Hailee Steinfeld and Lupita Nyong'o

A mother and daughter travel to a rustic olive farm in Calabria, Italy and learn the ways of growing extra virgin olive oil under the guidance of an expert (Nyong'o). Lifetime friendships are made. 

"HAIR MAYONNAISE" starring Ben Stiller, Hannibal Buress and Cecily Strong

A freak factory mishap causes a worker's (Stiller) hair to turn permanently to mayonaisse. He and his friends (Buress & Strong) try desperately to find a cure but end up creating a major social media presence instead.

"Moco de Gorila" featuring the voices of Greta Thunberg, Godfrey, and Tila Tequila

This animated adventure tells the story of a punk rock gorilla who found his way from the jungle to the legendary punk rock Bowery Ballroom with the PUNK message to care for the earth and stop being a non-green douche. Animation by Laika Studios.

"Sportin' Waves" starring Zazie Beetz, Angela Bassett and Jenna Fischer

A California surfer (Beetz) befriends some ATF operatives (Basset & Fischer) in her beach town and signs up to fight the non-local drug cartel moving in. Also starring Ving Rhames as "Skippy".

"Frizz Buster" starring Angela Kinsey, Laurence Fishburne, Hugh Bonneville and Willem Dafoe

A black hair care company is under attack! Its president (Fishburne) deputizes his staff to use experimental weaponry that he collected to kick some frizz ass, which captures the attention of a suspicious CIA agent (Dafoe).

Caption Contest!

"High five!"

"Holy Trinity Powers, ACTIVATE!" (insert Super Friends sound effect)

"I, state your name..."

From Grant Martin on Facebook: "They look like they're trying to catch a bird that got into their house."

"Raise your hand if you want ice cream!"

"WASSSSUP! Dove in the house!"

Some New Walgreens Shelf Brands Announced!

Everybody knows that Walgreens offers generic versions of many brand name items, like Wal-Dryl (for Benadryl) Wal-Tussin (Robitussin) and Wal-Tap (Dimetapp).

Here now are the latest generic 'Walgreens' versions of popular items you can expect to see on the drugstore's shelves this week:

Walsterine

Waleration-H

Wall's Mentho Lyptus

Walboro Lights

Capri-Wall Kids Drinks

Captain Wal-gan Spiced Rum

Pink Floyd's "The Wal"

Wal-der Bread

Wal HPV Home Test and Nacho Dip

Wal-BQ Sauce

Hey Now, You're A Wal-Star

The Capit-Wal One Card: "What's In Your Wal-et?"

Wal-E Cigarettes

Wal-ive Garden

Count Chocu-Wal Cereal

Mi-Wal (generic version of Midol)

Wal!

The Latest Hollywood Films Based On Names of Various Scented Candles

Once again, the four major film studios in Tinseltown raid the nearby Walgreens shelves for some or ANY ideas for a new script. Here are the latest offerings:

"Tranquil Retreat," starring Tommy Lee Jones and Amber Heard

A retired Army general reconnects with his estranged daughter when forced to move in with her at her lake home. Also starring Stephen Dorff as a misguided staff sergeant.

"Just Picked," starring Kristen Bell, Adrien Brody, and Zach Braff. The wacky, unpredictable single lives of some freelance wine pickers in Sonoma Valley during the height of picking season. The parties, the triumphs, the heartbreak of a ruined crop- this is the side of wine picking that you never get to see.

"Vanilla Celebration," starring Mark Wahlberg, Paul Reubens, Alan Cumming, Seth Rogan, Colin Firth, James Franco, Helena Bonham Carter, Amy Adams, Jeremy Renner, and Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal.

A shitload of white people throw a party. The cops do not come and knock on their door about the noise.

"Home Linens" starring Bruce Dern, Danny Devito, Jeff Bridges and Steven Seagal. From the makers of "Nebraska," this movie follows the story of a bedridden retired ad copywriter who shat his bed and must rely on his three poker buddies who are coming in two hours to help clean this shit up.

"Grandma's Kitchen," starring Martin Lawrence and Tyler Perry.

No plot summary given.

"Day's End," starring Willem Dafoe, Cameron Diaz, and Robert Englund.

A post-apocalyptic story about a humble toll collector (Willem Dafoe) who becomes the leader of a small group of survivors to battle the dreaded mutant zombie army (led by Englund). Soundtrack by Hans Zimmer.

"Indigo Nights," starring Vanessa Hudgens, Lou Diamond Phillips, and Zac Efron.

A bangin' Vegas casino nightclub Indigo, run by an evil mob boss/drug kingpin (Phillips) gets taken down by a crafty, tech-savvy waitress (Hudgens) and a blackjack dealer (Efron). It's "Oceans 11" meets "High School Musical."

"'Sweet Pea,' based on 'Precious,' based on the novel 'Push' by Sapphire,' starring Gabourey Sidibe and Jesse Eisenberg.

This behind-the-scenes fake-documentary of the making-of the 2010 movie "Precious" documents all the table reads, concept meetings, and budget catch-ups that the filmmaker's underwent. Sounds horrible.

"Autumn Evenings" is actually not a new movie script, but a new branded Massengill douche scent to tie in with the upcoming "Night At The Museum: Secret of the Tomb," coming December 19.

An Imagined Conversation

"Hello? Sandy? Where are you? I thought you said you were here."

"I am here, Mike. I told you to meet me at the GIFT CARD MALL, remember?"

"Yes, but you're going to have to be more specific. This mall is huge."

"Wait a minute. I just checked the sign, and it turns out I'm not at the GIFT CARD MALL at all."

"What?"

"Yeah, sorry about that, Mike. Turns out I'm actually at the SNACK STATION. This place is so vast that I didn't even get to read the sign until I walked a few blocks."

"Well, shit. I just looked at the sign above me, Sandy, and I'm not at the GIFT CARD MALL, either. I've somehow wandered into the SWOLLEN FEET OVERSIZED & NON-BINDING SOCK CENTER."

"Oh my God, Mike. Stop walking. You have no idea how far you've gone, have you?"

"I know. I'm totally scared. And my phone is running out of juice..."

"FOR GOD'S SAKE, MIKE. CONSERVE YOUR BATTERY POWER! I'M SENDING A RESCUE CHOPPER TO YOUR AREA TO LOOK FOR YOU!"

"..."

"MIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE!"

The Biggest Revelations From The Interview With Fergie In The Spring Issue of Walgreens "Happy and Healthy" Guide

• The real talent of the group? apl.de.ap

• During her Super Bowl halftime performance singing "Sweet Child O' Mine," Fergie says she could see Slash's soul leaving his body.

• Sinus Relief Wash Kit- $3 off. Limit 3

• Her relationship with Josh Duhamel is totally boring

• Before she sucked solo and sucked with the Black Eyed Peas, did you know she sucked in a girl band called Wild Orchid?

• Maple Bacon Jerky 3.25 oz. 2/$7 or 3.99 ea. with membership card

• When she's not ruining music, her favorite hobbies are shopping and not ruining music.

• It takes the average retoucher 653 man hours to retouch photos of her.

• She actually sang backup vocals for Katy Perry's "Firework." Not really.

• She no longer eats caramel corn from those big tin canisters you get at Christmastime along with cheese corn and chocolate corn because her turds came out massive.

• Prefers the Harry Potter books to listening to her own music.

• Once stormed offstage after being heckled by a bat.

• Does push-ups between takes so her voice comes out sweaty.

• Calcium Extended Release Tablets- buy 1 get 1 50% off with membership card

No Title Necessary

You know, sometimes I'm ashamed of the things that I notice.

Coming Soon: The Joel Angel Project

I was farting around my local Walgreens (yes, the same one where I found that excellent manager's photo), when I happened upon the "As Seen On TV" section of the store: Snuggies, Sobakawa pillows, and Slap Chops were all available for sale for the holidays.



All of it looking pretty standard and familiar, until I caught sight of a box full of douchey AWESOME:


Criss Angel's Mindfreak Platinum Magic Kit. YES, PLEASE. But I didn't buy this for myself. I intend to mail this to our eponymous friend Joel and give him two weeks to learn and perform one of these Mindfreak tricks on video. I asked Joel, and he's totally down with the idea.






I'm mailing Joel this stupid box next week. Here's hoping he freaks our mind whilst eating our dicks.

He's In My Life

Pictured below, my iPhoto "Faces" feature asks me to identify two people in my albums.



I know that guy on the left, at least.

Walgreen's: Third Act

As documented earlier this month on the blog, a certain photo of a young man with wet hair at a local Walgreen's had prompted us to leave our own version at that store:


Here now is a follow up video that answers the question of whether the EADJ photo has stayed up there since February 7 (audio courtesy of Skywalker Sound).


Blast! It's gone! Okay, move on to phase three of whatever project this is!

We Escalate The Stupidity

Few things have baffled me more than finding a random, uncaptioned framed photo of a scowling young man with wet hair hanging in a local Walgreens store. "Who is he?" and "Why is his photo hanging there?" were burning questions that we have discussed on this blog. While we may never find the answer to this mystery, we can at least continue to antagonize the store where it was hanging.



The removal of the photo seemed like this was the end to our hijinks, as we had planned to keep adding objects (hats, monocles, etc) to the young man's photo. But inspiration struck: if there is no photo now, what else could we put there in its place? So, weeks pass before we move on to phase two of this project. (The long hiatus was partly blamed on the ice storm that hit New Jersey, and partly because I'm kind of a lazy-ass.)

So after purchasing a cheap photo frame and speaking to a confederate, we were ready to act:




Drum roll please...




Here is a video clip showing what it would look like for a shopper to discover that picture:



We plan to check back on Wednesday to see if the photo is still there. Stay tuned, true believers!