“Pathmark Is the Only Thing Stronger Than Fear."

An Imagined Conversation

"Hey, are you ready to grill some delicious top sirloins, Buck?"

"Hell, yeah I am. It took me a while, but I finally got the charcoal burning steady at the perfect temperature, and without the help of any lighting fluid, so these cuts of meat are going to be done just right."

"Okay, so we got the meat in the package, some spice rubs (which I don't think we need), some steak sauce (which I also think we can skip, knowing my grilling skills!) and uh... this here pack of Omaha Steaks Conversation Cards?"

"What the..."

"Not sure what to do with these. Think I'll chuck 'em."

"No! Since we're gonna be standing here for a while, we might as well try a few questions."

"Hm. Not really my thing, but okay."

(reads the first card)

"'Assuming every man or woman has their price, what is yours?'"

"Uh, pass on that one."

"'Does the success of your friends motivate or frustrate your own progress in life?'"

"Not sure what that means."

"'In moments of intimacy, are you more of a "giver" or a "taker?"'"

"Jesus."

"'When have you loved someone who has not loved you back?'"

"Can we just cook these steaks without talking?"

Jane Seymour's Boobs and Butts Jewelry

Jane Seymour's "Open Hearts" jewelry line is a "universal symbol of hope and love," but the fact is, you're going to be wearing boobs and butts around your neck.



That's right. Boobs and butts. Look at that shape. Jane is obviously impressed at her own handiwork, but she doesn't realize that she painted boobs and butts, and cast boobs and butts out of white gold and sterling silver for sale at exorbitant prices at shitty Kay's Jewelers. Boobs and butts, ladies and gentlemen, boobs and butts.

Matt S: A Review of the Complete Discography of DragonForce

Editor's Note: EADJ is proud to present a full entry by Toucan Cleric Fun's own Matt S. We look forward to entries like this in the future from this contributing art director!

A Review of the Complete Discography of DragonForce

I used to joke with my old roommates that the surest way to come up with a "hit" TV show, movie, or band would be to combine any Animal, Group Affiliation and/or Number/Letter.

MantisTeam,
CougarSquad,
TigerCorps7,
GiraffeSector9.

And while I thought that conversation was only heard within the walls of our shitty 1.5 bedroom apartment in Murray Hill at the time, apparently our thoughts and ridicule leapt far across the pond to the shores of London.

Out of the ashes of Demoniak comes DragonForce, once almost titled DragonHeart.

That's right, DragonForce.

Not a new sci-fi show on My9. Not a USA Network miniseries.
Not even the new trading card game from the makers of Magic.

It's as if the 12-year-old you used to be, wasting hours away in your basement talking to Dungeon Masters about the best way to barter with orcs and gnomes was a guitar virtuoso.
Who actually lived in a Tolkein fantasy worlds. And believes that Hobbits are real, and Trees can walk.

That is, in essence, DragonForce.
They are the riders of thunderstorms. The dawn-bringers of fire and flames.
The saviors of the fallen. Those fell by Dragons.
In fact, nearly every song in their collection is a quest, a journey through the endless seas of damnation and the vanquishing of the pure from the evil and those with lost souls.

I ask you this: If the lads of DragonForce are riding with the horsemen warriors on long distant shores and always saving the souls of the forgotten through snow and tainted mountains, where do they get rehearsal space? Are their amps and mics on the mountains high?
Can they fill stadiums in the long forgotten wastelands?
And do the roadies for the group also have to walk the lonely road to battle chaos?

Who, may you ask, does the 'Force ride with on their quest of salvation of soul atop the wings of destiny?

Helloween rides with the DragonForce.
W.A.S.P. rides with the DragonForce.
Angra rides with the DragonForce.
Mendeed rides with the DragonForce.
Iron Maiden rides with the DragonForce.
Power Quest rides with the DragonForce.
Shadow Warriors ride with the DragonForce.

That says nothing, and yet everything.


DragonForce, as a musical group, are not simply Bringers of the Burning Starfire. They are talented, pushing your eardrums to submission by pure will and the might of what is right in these dark, evil times.
Amazing harmonies of guitars, complete with bleeding fingers.
And the drummer is amazing. Although he probably died of heart failure right after recording their first track.
So track 2's drummer is also amazing, but died.
Track 3? Great, but then he dies.
Track 4? Great, and dead.

They have 36 songs across 4 albumns. That's a lot of dead drummers.
I wonder if they are kept in a heap at the feet of the Dragon.


Their albumns are thus:

"Valley Of The Damned" (2003)
"Sonic Firestorm" (2004)
"Inhuman Rampage" (2006)
"Ultra Beatdown" (2008)


Those sound like Mortal Kombat III moves, not albums. They are weapons you can purchase online with XBox Live. Those sound like Mortal Kombat III moves, not albums. And I assure you, every album is a fatality. Of your soul.



Some of my favorite songs, not so much for their lyrical prowess, or their musicianship, but only for their titles alone:

Invocation Of The Apocalyptic Evil - The first track on their first album sets the tone for what is about to come. Again and Again.

Disciples of Babylon - I indeed hope to be a disciple of an aincent city destroyed and rebuilt and destroyed again and agian.

Fields of Despair - like the harvest fileds in the Matrix, only for your ears.

Operation Ground and Pound - Like the troop surge, only more successful, because all dragons and evil armies of demons are no more.

Strike of the Ninja - their best song, because it's about a ninja, and possibly the best song EVER. It could not be more ninja. It could try, but it would fail.

And the final track, EPM. Which may stand for Earplugs Please My Goodness, I'm hemmoraging in my soul!



Some of my favorite lyrics:


"On the black wind forever we ride on together
Destroying your evil with freedom our guide
When the master will storm us
He'll stand high before us
Our hearts filled with splendour
Our swords will shine over the light"



"Can't you see the history the suffocating madness
In the land of fallen souls there's nowhere left no place to go
I have traveled far and wide across the wasteland
Still searching for the answers for the right to understand"


"Still we're searching endlessly
Crashing over seven seas
Torturing the winter skies riding over plains of ice
Shadows in the fields of the slain!"


and


"Whoa, oh oh oh,
Whoa, oh oh oh,
Whoa, oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh ohhh,
Whoa, oh oh oh,
Whoa, oh oh oh,
Whoa, oh oh oh oh oh ohhhh oh oh oh."



These guys are who the Orcs in Lord Of The Rings listen to, even though the Orc leaders have banned their CDs from Middle Earth.

If not for the hilarity of their name, song titles, and lyrics, they should be banned from THIS earth as well.

Analysis