More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"Time to cash out." *shoots stupid gun*

(dialogue muffled because the low budget sound is so bad)

"What? I don't do that shit. If you wanted a nut log, you should've gone to a Stuckey's!"

"Hello! I'm a kid's entertainer, but at the same time I'm a contractor creating headaches for my client and running behind schedule and going over budget!"

"Your brain is raining again."

(sighs) "Sorry."

"C'mon, team! Let's hunker down and get the stuff and get this done TOGETHER!"

"What the sam fuck are you talking about, Keith?"

"The air conditioner is broken."

"Oh well. Let me drink this McFlurry and then lick your back with the M&M pieces."

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Sammy Hagar has fallen so far since leaving Van Halen.

See, this is what you get for making him wait too long for a table at Olive Garden.

Kwabs didn't let a little power outage stop him from giving blood.

Maitre Gims forgot to take his biker jacket off before getting into his waterbed.

Don't worry about that mosquito. Meek Mill got it.

Nickelus F kept track of what all the former "Real World" cast members were up to, and he took it seriously.

Jesus is not impressed with Perry Boi's Photoshop skillz.

"Why yes, I do have my own microbrew. How'd you know?"

I hate to be so generalist about this, but you just know this album fucking sucks just by the cover.

Finally, a pimp for all those Bratz Dolls.

Happy Thanksgiving From EADJ!

Since December 2006, EADJ has consistently -and without fail- posted an entry every weekday, including holidays. Today is no exception.

EADJ wishes you, yours, and yours' yourses a rejoiceful and thankful Thanksgiving holiday or whatever. It is now that EADJ would like to list a few things for which we are thankful:

• The Kinks
• Good times
• Wilona from "Good Times"
• The cleanliness of Montreal
• Family
• Joy buzzers
• Jello molds
• Short skirts
• Taking big dukes
• Todd Crisman
• Styrofoam (also known as polystyrene in the UK)
• Freestyle snowboarding
• Having never been uppercut
• Cymbals
• Samosas
• Fake fur
• The buddy system
• XBox Live
• Scalawags
• Having never been asked to propose a toast
• Pussy
• "Delta Dawn" by Tanya Tucker
• Classy seafood restaurants
• The fact that the wife doesn't like decorating with sand dollars
• The fact that there are other channels when SNL is on
• Nougat
• The Iowa Highway Patrol
• Lip balm
• J.J. Abrams
• Titty bars
• Not having heard marijuana being referred to as "ganja" in a long time
• Skin moisturizer
• Car bingo

Project Fountain: Recap, Postmortem, and Next Steps

Since our last Project Fountain entry on December 15, there hasn't been any activity at the Old Bridge Deli dining area, either from a hiding-toys-in-the-fountain standpoint or a reason-to-eat-there-to-see-if-anyone-noticed standpoint. The sudden removal of ALL the toys on December 10 (from now on known as "The Great Purge") left little to rebuild on, a veritable scorched earth policy that has left the region barren for half a year. Fortunately, some donations for future placement by Larry K and Matt S could revitalize this project. Enough time has also passed for the management of the Old Bridge Deli to have forgotten about last year's invasion, so EADJ looks forward to reporting any potential new developments in Project Fountain. But if Old Bridge Deli employees are somehow reading this blog, no, we are just talking abstractly and are NOT planning anything. Hey, look over there!

Some Totally Unfair Criticism

Okay, I have seen some shit art before, but this might possibly be the blandest, most appalling turd of vanilla-beige cock that my eyes have been unfortunate to be molested by. Still-lifes are boring already, but what's this? A tray carrying a bowl of potpourri and some goddamned bottles of dried flower petals? What kind of fluffy-cloud, Holly Hobby, "I Love Country" dystopian prison camp is this supposed to be from? Rape me.


So you've got some shittily painted petals (not detailed enough to be realistic and not abstract enough to be Impressionistic) sitting in a poorly proportioned bowl that's covered in more smudgily painted petals. That's both meta and piss-poor! Also, it's labeled "POTPOUTTI," either because the painter cannot spell "potpourri" correctly or never learned their lower case r's. Either way, it makes a travesty of both public education and the state of art. What an abortion.


I could further rag on "Garuboa" or "Hamlox" or whatever the piss this person's name is, and how howlingly hilarious I find that they'd think someone would want to copy this artwork illegally, but I can think of more pleasant things to do, like chugging a punchbowl full of diarrhea or watching "Grey's Anatomy."

Clarification Corner

Get it right!


Get it right, people!

Tava Smiley is the 80 lb. host of TLC's Clean Sweep, where she jumps around in non-heavy-labor-appropriate outfits and enthusiastically tells doughy couples she would never speak to in real life to throw their shit out. Tavis Smiley is the former host of The Tavis Smiley Show on NPR, and currently hosts Tavis Smiley on PBS, where he gives rambling, inarticulate interviews while wearing ill-fitting suits.



Get it right!

Born and raised in Missouri, Tava Smiley earned a degree in communications at the University of Missouri. Tavis Smiley attended Indiana University and received his bachelor's degree in law and public policy in 1986.



Get it right!

Tava Smiley has been in crappy shows like General Hospital, Nash Bridges, and Walker, Texas Ranger. The only crappy show Tavis Smiley has appeared on is the Moesha spinoff The Parkers, aka Mo'Nique on UPN (this is not a racist joke. Go ahead and doublecheck that shit on imdb.com).

Get it right!

I would happily bang both of them. How about you, Pewter Bear?


Shut the fuck up already, Pewter Bear. Your opinions, hell, your whole life, is worth shit, alright? Die a slow and miserable death, you insufferable smegma. What were we talking about, again?