Fringe Backdrop

Do you even hear yourself.

It's Time To Say Goodbye To All The Stuff That Bad Ad Copywriters Want Us To Say Goodbye To!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Bye bye! Ta ta!

“The Reason Birds Can Fly and We Can't Is Simply Because They Have Perfect Faith, For To Have Faith Is To Have Pathmark."

Multiple bread loaf edition!

Bread!

Bread!

Bread!

3 Intex Inflatable Mattresses And The Type of Handjob They Promise According To Their Package Photos

Intex is one of the finest manufacturers of premium air beds this side of the Mississippi. However, their choice of packaging photography gives a secret signal to single men: you will get a handjob if you buy this. Here now are the different types of handjob you can expect from each size airbed:

SKU: The Index Classic Downy, Queen Size

Handjob Promise: A demure blonde will give you a two-hander but avoid eye contact

SKU: The Pillow Rest Raised Airbed, Dura-Beam Standard, Queen size, 16.5 inch version

Handjob Promise: Fox News's Kimberly Guilfoyle will give you a tugger whilst filling your ears with conspiracy horseshit about liberals and Hillary Clinton. You will not be allowed to plug your ears until after release.

SKU: The Pillow Rest Raised Airbed, Dura-Beam Standard, Queen size, 16 inch version

Handjob Promise: a friendly, peppy candy striper from the hospital will cup your balls and talk to you about the weather. Then she will cry uncontrollably if you ask her about her life at home.

Available at all fine stores everywhere. And Walmart.

Here Are The Types of Things I Say When A Public Restroom's Paper Towel Dispenser Doesn't Work

"Fuck."

"Shit."

"Come on."

"Fuckin' thing."

"Ay moroni."

"Horsefeathers."

"What the..."

"MOTHERFUCKER."

"Oh cock."

"Jitters vagina."

"#papertoweldispensernotworking"

"BUT I NEED TO DRY MY HANDS!!!!"

"Bugger."

"Fuckjoy."

"Uy uy uy uy uy uy uy."

"Estelle Getty."

"WORK, YOU!"

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

(Click to enlarge)

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

I think this comic strip has officially lasted longer than "Beetle Bailey" by now.

Let's Put Neosporin On The EADJ Mail Sack Without Washing The Wound And Watch It Get Infected Anyway!

Submitted by Matt S.:

"your blog title...immortalized"

"It's Obi Wan. He's holding me back!"

Found in a recent Village Voice: this ad for an acting school. Pretty reputable school, dropping names like Mamet and William H. Macy. But look closely...


What the frak? Sure, Jessica Alba and Skeet Ulrich are very attractive people, but if you're trying to sell yourself as a primo acting school, I think you could do better than the stars of "Blue Crush" and "Jericho." Like maybe a photo of a Resusci Annie and a traffic cone. Alba and Ulrich are terrible in everything they've ever done.

I do have to admit, though, that little printing shmutz on Skeet Ulrich's forehead does make him more intriguing.

Wait, did I say "Blue Crush" earlier? Sorry, that's the wrong title. I meant "who gives a shit."