What In the Fart?

Spotted on FB: a t-shirt design that I swear doesn't make any sense:

Snoopy and Michael Jackson? WTF?

While Peanuts and MJ both have pretty big fan bases, respectively, I can't imagine who would want a shirt with both of them on it. There are like no lyrics or songs of his that mention Peanuts or Snoopy or anything related to angst-ridden, precocious kids with giant sphere heads.

The only connection I can guess is the terrible one with the allegations of Michael Jackson and children. But who would want to wear a shirt with THAT?

 

Spotted at an AirBnb in Detroit

A dog butthole by Roberto Borboa

Dog Park Missed Connections

The following Missed Connections were posted by dogs that visited the Bucks County Core Creek Dog Park in Langhorne, PA:

You: the light colored Border Terrier 

Me: the mixed Boxer with the WWE harness

Wassup. You had the zoomies so we didn't get to talk, but you seemed pretty cool and maybe would be down for smoking weed with me sometime?

You: the aggressive Basset Hound 

Me: the Lhasa Apso  

You were extremely rude to everyone with your chew toy, not sharing it and generally being an ass. Who do you think you are? And who even brings their own toy to a dog park? Dick.

You: the Borzoi named Dixon

Me: the hung Beagle

You sniffed my penis. I smelled your butthole. Call me?

DoorDash Photography Entry

Protip for DoorDashers: When taking a photo of the delivered food, avoid using a flash so you don't capture the terrifying eyes of the resident's scary but harmless dog in the window:

Dog Park Missed Connections

The following Missed Connections were posted by dogs that visited the Bucks County Core Creek Dog Park in Langhorne, PA:

You: the French Bulldog

Me: the Australian Shepherd

Hey pretty eyes! I was watching you over by the dog ramp and thought we could maybe get together without the owners. My dog walker leaves me alone at the house on Thursdays! ;)

You: the cute Cocker Spaniel

Me: the dashing Border Collie/Beagle mix

We had a moment over by the tree, making eye contact while BOTH PISSING. Classic, right? Call me!

You: the Doberman puppy

Me: the dog named Sandy

I know I don't look like a puppy, but I'm pretty young. So it won't be like I'm robbing the cradle or anything if you and I dated LOL! Anyways, you seem cute and I could show you some new sexual stuff.

You: the Japanese Chin (or Papillon?)

Me: the Brussels Griffon with the jingle bell collar

Sup pretty. Your butt smelled interesting, so I thought I'd hit you up. Let me know if you want to go to the Blur reunion show at the Hollywood Bowl in October. I got tickets.

Dog Park Missed Connections

The following Missed Connections were posted by dogs that visited the Bucks County Core Creek Dog Park in Langhorne, PA:

You: the Yorkshire Terrier with a limp

Me: the Malamute with the green leash harness

Hey, hot stuff! I noticed you looking my way over at the weird tunnel thing that no one ever enters. Wanna grab a bowl of water sometime? I'm spayed! Wink wink

You: the Balto-looking Husky

Me: the pale Golden Retriever

I know my breed catches flak for being overly friendly, but you seemed pretty cool and I thought we could hit it off over some Snausages and a fine merlot. Call me?

You: the grey pit bull terrier puppy

Me: the Dachshund puppy

IT WAS SO NICE TO MEET YOU! THE DOG PARK IS THE GREATEST!!! I THINK WE GOT ALONG GREAT!!! WE SHOULD BE BESTIES!!!! I FEEL LIKE YOU ARE MY BFFF ALREADY!!!!! SEE YOU SOON!!!!

You: Mr. Handsome showing off his new nail grind

Me: the Laso Apsa (I keep forgetting how to spell it!)

I feel like we really hit it off when you had mounted me and your owner pulled you off before you actually penetrated me. See you around, hopefully!

Dog Park Missed Connections

The following Missed Connections were posted by dogs that visited the Bucks County Core Creek Dog Park in Langhorne, PA:

You: the handsome Dalmatian with the green collar

Me: the shy Collie with the powder blue harness

Hi Dalmatian! You seemed so thrilled to be running around the park that you stepped in my poop. Call me?

You: the light colored cocker spaniel

Me: the Lhasa Apso

Our noses touched at the water bowl. You seemed intrigued. I'll literally smell ya later.

You: woof woof

Me: woof woof woof

Woof woof woof *pant* woof woof woof woof *sniff sniff* woof woof woof woof woof woof, woof!

Dog Park Missed Connections

The following Missed Connections were posted by dogs that visited the Bucks County Core Creek Dog Park in Langhorne, PA:

You: the limping Beagle

Me: the other limping Beagle

Hey man. I noticed we were both limping. Was yours because of a snapping turtle? Look me up, bro

You: the Chug (Chihuahua + Pug)

Me: Whoodle (Poodle + Wheaten Terrier)

Hey. I noticed that you too are a freak of nature, made solely for the amusement of our sadistic owners. Let's plan a jailbreak next weekend, yeah?

You: the howling Mexican Hairless

Me: the austere Borzoi

Lord, I am so sick of my owner asking me who's a good boy. Like I fucking know. Maybe you know? I'd love to sit down with you over a bowl of water and pick your brain. Call me!

Missed Connections at a Local Dog Park

The following Missed Connections were posted by dogs that visited the Bucks County Core Creek Dog Park in Langhorne, PA:

You: The cockapoo with the ball in your mouth

Me: The clearly aroused Irish Setter

Hey baby. If you noticed, I was panting but it wasn't because it was hot. It was because YOU are. Let's get together over a can of Alpo and see where the night takes us. ❤️

You: The mixed something-or-other by the chain link fence

Me: The half Beagle with the distinctive bark

Hello! I would like a play date with you sometime! You seem nice! I have no friends!

You: The Yorkshire Terrier with the striking "Emotional Support Animal" vest

Me: The dirty Dachshund with the one bent ear

Hi, Yorky! You obviously seem like a good soul, helping your owner deal with the crushing reality of life. Do you like chasing squirrels? Let's connect! You can bring your oversensitive owner!

Sniff Sniff

Pictured: a canine Sno-cone

More Missed Connections From A Local Dog Park

The following Missed Connections were posted by dogs that visited the Bucks County Core Creek Dog Park in Langhorne, PA:

You: Half Shiba Inc with the regal, proud tail and the "hump me" eyes.

Me: The randy dog. The terrier, to be more specific. The Bedlington Terrier to be even more specific. After initial "introductions", you went off to sniff a pole. I know my balls have been cut off, but I was still very aroused by you. My master and I are here on Tuesdays!

You: The bleach-white Samoyed

Me: The mutt with heart worms. Listen, I know you probably come from money, and I'm just a mongrel dog of a local garage owner, but maybe you're getting tired of your high class toys and all the presents from your uptown boys. You have a choice.

You: the fabulous Maltipoo

Me: the totally fierce Shih Tzu

Hey bitch! We totally need to hang out again! My human loves to shop at the same places yours does; I've seen you at Burberry and Coach before. Let's get together and paint the town with our pee! LATERZ XXXX

Missed Connections: Dog Park Edition

The following Missed Connections were posted by dogs that visited the Bucks County Core Creek Dog Park in Langhorne, PA:

You: short haired Golden Retriever smelling a fence post

Me: that cute mixed Papillon with the green collar

I thought we had a moment when our eyes connected over by the communal water bowl. You seemed interested in me even though I was sniffing someone else and you were being sniffed by someone else. Write back if you want to take this to the next level!

You: the weird cross-eyed pug

Me: I'm not sure what breed I am, but I think I'm a Malamut?

You were very loud and aggressive with the other dogs, but I could tell you were actually a sensitive soul by the gentle way you humped the others. I come by on Tuesdays!

You: the gray Yorkshire with the overbearing owner

Me: a lost cat

My heart went out to you when I saw your owner call you back every time you came close to another dog. She must be afraid they all might bite you! I however, was in serious mortal danger from being mauled by every dog that saw me, including you. Why am I even messaging you? I'M OUTTA HERE!

Fuzzy Wuzzy Was A Racist Appliance

Spotted Near South Orange, NJ

Totally. Chicken bones can kill dogs. So we should throw them in the trash!!!

…We're talking about throwing the chicken bones in the trash, right? Not throwing the dogs we just killed in the trash. 

Shit. Maybe we should throw BOTH in the trash, just to be sure. Sorry, doggie.

Does This Entry Need A Title. I Guess.

Forget Milan. Forget New York. Screw Paris. To hell with London.

All of those cities known for fashion have nothing on Niles, Illinois now that the Bradford Exchange's "I Love My Dog" Crossbody Bag has been announced in the June issue of DogFancy Magazine.

"THE HEIGHT OF FASHION" the press release says. Finely hand-crafted in black faux leather that coordinates beautifully with the dog art and your sweatsuit, the bag has an outside flap pocket with a brown paw print, snap closure and compartments inside for essentials, like photos of your dog and your divorce papers. There's also a zipper pull engraved with the words "I Love My (name of breed)" just in case a casual observer didn't get that you're a bit too much into your dog based on the tacky dog graphic, the paw print, or the way that you don't give a shit when you dress anymore. What happened to you after high school?

EADJ Is Brought To You This Week By Springer Dog Exerciser

Do you and your dog love the outdoors? Does one of you like to get exercise? Then gear up with the Springer Dog Exerciser, a revolutionary new way to take your dog for a walk without getting off your fat ass! Ride around the park while your dog struggles to keep up! Coast through busy streets while your dog tromps his way over potholes and sleeping hobos just to stop from getting strangled!

But don't take our word for it. Here's Internationally Known Dog Fighter Doctor Yuri Dotretskov: 

"Put spring on bike. Spring hold leash. Dog forced to follow bike."

And just listen to what some of our customers have to say:

"They say that eating right and getting exercise is the best way to a long, healthy life. For dogs. I'll have a Quarter Pounder with Cheese large combo. With a Diet Coke. Is the sundae machine working?" -Amber, 29 on the phone

"I hate exercise almost as much as I hate my dog. Thanks, Springer Dog Exerciser!" -Pete, 28

"Hurry the fuck up, Lola! We have to get home to catch the 'Dancing With The Stars' recap show!"  -Margaret, 38

Springer Dog Exerciser. Now You Got The Hook Up™!

EADJ Pun Police: K-9 Unit Version

"Hi, kids. I'm Sgt. Troy Sessman. This here is Toby. Toby is a three year veteran of the San Fernando Police Department. Did you know he is an actual police officer? He specializes in drug detection and the apprehending of suspects. Let's go to work, Toby!"

"Woof woof woof woof!"

"What's that, Toby? 'Lose your hang-ups, find your calling?' Gee, could there be more phone puns on one poster? That sounds like an awful movie. Go get 'em, boy."

*Toby leaps up, grabs the movie poster writer by the throat, and shakes*

"Woof woof, woof woof woof woof woof woof!"

"I know, Toby, Subway does tend to use a lot of puns. They can't get away with it. Let's remind them who's in charge on this street!"

*Toby bites the Subway manager by the crotch and pulls and pulls and pulls*

"Woof woof woof!"

"'Animal Practice: It's quite an operation.' How lazy. Right, Toby?"

*Toby urinates on the poster, then smells the base of a nearby tree*

"Woof woof! Woof woof! Woof?"

"You're right, Toby. Technically, nobody is really losing weight here per se, so that terrible pun doesn't even work. Go get 'em!"

*Toby grabs the girdle and rips it open until the lady's fat flabs burst out like syrup over pancakes*

"Groaaaaaan."

"Groaaaaaan."

*Toby puts both paws over eyes like they do in stupid comedies with dogs in it*

"Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!"

"One thing that Toby is trained in is enduring conditions that humans normally couldn't handle and deal with the problem. Like this drink cooler in Old Navy. Truly awful."

*Toby trips Old Navy manager and starts humping one of his eye sockets*

This one submitted by Andrew Gall:

"Woof, woof! Woof woof woof, woof!"

"'We're In Tents.' Not only their slogan, but their URL. Pretty ballsy of American Rental, Inc. Do it to it, Toby!"

*Toby grabs their balls and rips them out, and brings them to Sgt. Troy Sessman*

"Good boy, Toby!"

A List Of Activities You Can Do With Certified Therapy Dog Rhett And How Much It Would Cost

I spotted this sign in Manhattan last week, advertising the rental out an unknown breed of dog named Rhett (is that an Airedale?). For a buck a minute, Rhett's pimps are willing to let you take Rhett (could be a Scottish Deerhound?) out and do whatever, provided it's for your therapy. He's "always looking for new friends," so what are you waiting for? Here now is a list of suggested activities you can do with Rhett (he's an Irish Wolfhound, isn't he?) and how much it will cost:

• Take Rhett from 25th Street to Central Park for a nice walk and a poop: $82

• Watch the entire "Lord Of The Rings" Trilogy, extended edition with Rhett: $682

• Bowl an entire game by yourself while Rhett sniffs his balls: $14

• Have sex with release while Rhett watches from another room: $3

• Fly with Rhett to Tel Aviv, Israel from JFK and back: $1200 (not including airfare)

• Drive Rhett around while cranking Iron Maiden's third studio album, "The Number of The Beast:" $41

• Encourage Rhett to go with you to your Zumba class, even though he doesn't seem to express any interest: $60

• Hassle Rhett about his 'Certified Dog' credentials: $7

• Cook an entire timpano, complete with meatballs, salami and filling and with homemade crust, while Rhett nervously licks his hungry dog lips: $80

• Take Rhett to watch the Houston Astros totally suck dick for a full nine innings: $180

• Give away the twist to "Looper" to Rhett: $1

• Read "The Brothers Karamazov" to Rhett in a pidgin accent while he licks his balls again: $86,400

• Read this blog entry to him and see if he "gets" it: $4


You can literally rent Rhett here.

I Gotta Stop Picking Up Random Magazines.

Spotted in the April issue of New York Resident Magazine (what?!), an ad for the PetzLife line of oral care products. It so many bad design decisions that I have to slow the car down just to watch.

(click to enlarge)


First off, slapping some clipart human grins onto a miserable looking dog and cat and making them the main visual in the ad would be enough for me to fire the designer.


But apparently, the client liked the visual so much, they slapped it on the QR code:


Then there's the burlap background, the hideous insets of stained pet teeth, the small, dull product shots, the 7 Oral Problems they just made up on the spot, the twenty typefaces they used, the sickly green hue on all the photography, and the microscopic 'how to use' section.


If that weren't enough, they fence off a section at the bottom for some anxiety-relieving drops. "Works great for thunderstorms and fireworks!" Which actually sounds like a good idea, since pets are terrified of those noises. But if you're going to force feed them some liquid to calm them down, why not just use cough syrup or booze?


A 4.5 oz. bottle of those drops goes for 24 bucks, by the way. Yeesh. A 1.75L of Smirnoff Vodka, however, goes for only $17. Just sayin.

An Imagined Conversation

Guy 1: Well, these ice cream treats are terrible.

(Guy 1 takes another taste, looks at packaging)

Guy 1: "Nutty peanut butter and cheese flavor?!" No wonder it's so bad.

Guy 2: I have another theory.

Guy 1: Yeah?

Guy 2: Maybe it's the fact that in the top upper left hand corner, it says "ice cream style treats for dogs," you moron.

Guy 1: "Ice cream style treats?!" You mean they're not even real ice cream for dogs?