Fucking Hell.

 

"Hey Tiger, let's go for a walk," he said.

"Let's get some fresh air," he said.

He gets me up from a perfectly good nap near the radiator for "a walk," which actually turned out to be a quick drive Sears so he can watch "Finding Nemo" on Blu Ray rather than another grainy episode of "CSI" on his old-school standard TV.

Walk my ass.

And now I gotta poop something fierce, but he won't let me out of his lap because this is the part where Nemo meets Dory, voiced by the incomparable Ellen Degeneres.

I'm starting to think he's forgotten that he's not at home.

I remember Ellen Degeneres starring in a movie called "Mr. Wrong," where she played a straight woman who marries a psycho dude. Weird.

Well, at least it's nice and warm in here. Can't take a nap, though, because so many people (who smell terrible, by the way) keep walking by and saying how cute I am.
Can't poop. Can't sleep. And I've already seen "Finding Nemo" three times.
Fuck me.

A List Of Activities You Can Do With Certified Therapy Dog Rhett And How Much It Would Cost

I spotted this sign in Manhattan last week, advertising the rental out an unknown breed of dog named Rhett (is that an Airedale?). For a buck a minute, Rhett's pimps are willing to let you take Rhett (could be a Scottish Deerhound?) out and do whatever, provided it's for your therapy. He's "always looking for new friends," so what are you waiting for? Here now is a list of suggested activities you can do with Rhett (he's an Irish Wolfhound, isn't he?) and how much it will cost:

• Take Rhett from 25th Street to Central Park for a nice walk and a poop: $82

• Watch the entire "Lord Of The Rings" Trilogy, extended edition with Rhett: $682

• Bowl an entire game by yourself while Rhett sniffs his balls: $14

• Have sex with release while Rhett watches from another room: $3

• Fly with Rhett to Tel Aviv, Israel from JFK and back: $1200 (not including airfare)

• Drive Rhett around while cranking Iron Maiden's third studio album, "The Number of The Beast:" $41

• Encourage Rhett to go with you to your Zumba class, even though he doesn't seem to express any interest: $60

• Hassle Rhett about his 'Certified Dog' credentials: $7

• Cook an entire timpano, complete with meatballs, salami and filling and with homemade crust, while Rhett nervously licks his hungry dog lips: $80

• Take Rhett to watch the Houston Astros totally suck dick for a full nine innings: $180

• Give away the twist to "Looper" to Rhett: $1

• Read "The Brothers Karamazov" to Rhett in a pidgin accent while he licks his balls again: $86,400

• Read this blog entry to him and see if he "gets" it: $4


You can literally rent Rhett here.