Missed Connections: Dog Park Edition

The following Missed Connections were posted by dogs that visited the Bucks County Core Creek Dog Park in Langhorne, PA:

You: short haired Golden Retriever smelling a fence post

Me: that cute mixed Papillon with the green collar

I thought we had a moment when our eyes connected over by the communal water bowl. You seemed interested in me even though I was sniffing someone else and you were being sniffed by someone else. Write back if you want to take this to the next level!

You: the weird cross-eyed pug

Me: I'm not sure what breed I am, but I think I'm a Malamut?

You were very loud and aggressive with the other dogs, but I could tell you were actually a sensitive soul by the gentle way you humped the others. I come by on Tuesdays!

You: the gray Yorkshire with the overbearing owner

Me: a lost cat

My heart went out to you when I saw your owner call you back every time you came close to another dog. She must be afraid they all might bite you! I however, was in serious mortal danger from being mauled by every dog that saw me, including you. Why am I even messaging you? I'M OUTTA HERE!

The National Fire Protection Association Bag Graphics: Decoded

By now you and all American citizens should have received your National Fire Protection Association Bag in the mail. Many of you must be wondering what the characters on the bag graphics are thinking in this particular scene. EADJ and the NFPA have teamed up to provide this helpful guide:

1) "I'm 65 and can still work this over-the-knee knitted dress. God, I'm fuckable."

2) "I bet it would be pretty funny to pull this service dog's tail."

3) "Hey, it's Sparky the Fire Protection Dog! Let's go see, honey!"

4) "DO NOT FUCKING PUSH ME, JONATHAN."

5) "Dude, I am tripping major balls. That dog has fingers."

6) "Heil Hitler!"

The ProofrEADJer, Mid-December Edition

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE

I got my Entertainment Weekly in the mail the other day and noticed something very, very wrong about the ad on the back.


Unlike other versions of this "Client List" ad featuring Jennifer Love Hewitt, I did not feel the strong urge to motorboat it. Was there something wrong with me?


No. The fact is, this EW ad was censored. Instead of the former "Party Of Five" actress's buxom bosom pouring out of her bodice like two pink water snake toys, some Puritan at the Entertainment Weekly news desk demanded that her chest be covered. After all, this is a wholesome magazine covering the popular erotic novel, "Fifty Shades of Grey."


Actually, my theory is that the publishers told the Lifetime Channel marketing team that they could get the high-profile back cover, but only if they sacrifice some cleavage and Photoshop some more material on Morty and Chet. That, my friends, is what is known as a Faustian bargain.

Exit Sign Played A Song From His Homeland

Exit Sign played a song from his homeland.


Melting Snow enjoyed it.


And so did Basketball Goal.


Winter Coat Sleeve was, frankly, shocked.


Knife Ad was also mortified.


Fire Department Connection was unmoved.


Neither end of the iPod cord knew what to think.


Two Luggage Wheels heckled from the back.


Brick Entrance was shocked.


Backseat Radio couldn't wait to tell everyone.


Grey Roller kept his mouth shut.


Faucet quacked their disapproval.


Eventually, by the fourth song, Fire Department Connection was moved to tears.

Laser Printer Was Feeling Blah

Laser Printer was feeling blah.


Salad tomato really took the news hard.


Packing tape dispenser couldn't believe his eyes.


Home Depot Bathroom Sink didn't give a shit.


Toilet paper dispenser was hiding from Pac-Man, who had just eaten a power pill.


Ladder was aghast (submitted by Emily Kane).


Still, the entire time, Cab Window was nonplussed (also by Emily Kane).

John Hederdick Joel

Hamachi uni tekkamaki. Maguro hirame unagi ikura kazunoko. Hirame hotate tobiko sake tako seigo sayori. Usuzukuri sashimi wasabi yakitori torigai. Kurabota sunomono, tataki saba udon ebi kani chirashi. Takuwan goma ae gari kani don otaru shiro tekkyu ninjin? Nasu gobo shisonomi siitake kappa horenso maki.

Takuwan nasu kyuri kanpyo tobiko saba maguro ika– natto takuwan futomaki kani kai hamachi.

(Pictured above, J'Net is shocked by the futomaki offerings, much to Jessica's concern)