Upcoming InfoWars Conspiracy Theories

Alex Jones's stable of talented writers are cranking out improbable (yet unbelievable) conspiracy stories for gullible dumbasses to believe at first listen. Here are some conspiracies you can expect on one of his upcoming broadcasts:

• UPC symbols are actually secret QR codes that homosexuals use to get the "gay discount" at the supermarket

• Universal remotes use infrared frequencies, which are responsible for airborne AIDS and electronic COVID

• The 2020 film "Wonder Woman 1984" uses subliminal messages to indoctrinate viewers into thinking it's not an absolute piece of shit film

• Dentists nationwide are using fillings as dumping grounds for toxic waste from the wind farm industry

• All school shootings have been faked using special effects by evil liberal Hollywood studios to convince people to give up their guns and stop worshipping God

InfoWars Misinformation Pre-Voo

Alex Jones and InfoWars lie. Lie big and long. Writers of InfoWars write many lies. Here are new lies:

• J-Lo invent TMZ in 2005 instead of buy mirror

• My name actually not John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt

• If you pronounce words 'Chipotle', 'barbacoa', and 'tomatillos' correctly when ordering at Chipotle, they throw surprise party and give you giant check

• Rand Paul's hair made of Reagan's pubes

• Marjorie Taylor Greene actually Mensa-level genius. She just trolling us because she bored with knowing everything, just like Dr. Manhattan in "Watchmen".

• NFTs are just MLMs with a little TLC

•  Me hate you

InfoWar Conspiracy Stories: CORRECTIONS

We're going to do something a little different this time. Alex Jones and his harmful band of writers have floated plenty of conspiracy theories over the years. Here now are some past stories they ran and what was discovered after the fact checkers scrutinized them:

• Mandals were not created by Italian leather manufacturers to de-masculinize American men. We talked to two of them and they just laughed at us.

• The pizza place whose basement was supposed to be the headquarters of a child sex ring run by Hillary Clinton was in fact a TACO place.

• That sign on the break room vending machine that says "OUT OF ORDER" wasn't, in fact, lying.

• The Philadelphia-based snack company Tastykake Baking Company is NOT run by a bunch of cricket people hell bent on destroying the country by making everyone lazy and content with their irresistible Butterscotch Krimpets.

 • A$AP Rocky, A$AP Ferg, A$AP Nast and A$AP Josh were already named that before meeting each other. It was all a giant coincidence.

• Alex Jones's farts do NOT smell like chalk. That white residue is there, but it does not have an odor.

Sniff Sniff

Pictured: a canine Sno-cone