More InfoWars Conspiracy Theories In The Works

The angry bird Alex Jones is a prolific shit-sprinkler of hate serves up unintelligible theories on the daily. But his talented stable of writers still have to stay ahead of the curve and have some rambling points created a day or two in advance of broadcast. Here are some of the "news stories" they're still working on:

• Anyone who officiates a lesbian wedding at any time receives a "hail Satan" t-shirt and an Indigo Girls CD box set.

• California have created small voting booths to place between the legs of illegal immigrant mothers giving birth so that when the baby is born, he can vote Democratic.

• Every photo posted on Imgur has an embedded invisible watermark that reads "BIDEN 2020".

• The Great Pacific garbage patch is actually an ISIS submarine covered in Kenyan birth certificates.

• The 2018 Mazda CX-3 crossover is a conspiracy of styling, engineering and practicality! (Sponsored by Mazda USA)

• Most women's nipples have a webcam used to blackmail radio show hosts into paying for their beauty school tuition.

• The inventor of Spanx is a democrat. Therefore, wearing Spanx will cause you to have an abortion.

Some Episode Summaries For TV Shows I Don't Watch

The following are completely fabricated episode descriptions based on 100% guesstimation and the magic of the imagination:

2 Broke Girls

Season 3 Episode 4

"Guano"

Because of a shipping error, a kilogram of bat guano arrives at the diner instead of pancake mix. Kelly and Josie are given 2 hours by their boss to get rid the huge bag of guano. But how???!!

The Big Bang Theory

Season 6 Episode 12

"Redshirts"

Sheldon joins a trivia competition only to discover it's a sports trivia challenge. Mookie and Wilbur do their best to find enough money for some rare Spider-Man bookends. Sexy Marsha tries to get one of the boys to go lingerie shopping with her without them blowing a load in their corduroys.

Game of Thrones

Season 4 Episode 2

"Die Hachveit"

Westernos is confronted by Duke Illich and his horde of cavedwelling man-apes. Kurr claims victory by slaying the House of Dryllys, but not before betraying Cullwhën by proposing to her sister, the next in line for the whatever whatever read the diagram.

Homeland

Season 4 Episode 16

"Not Nearly Enough"

Tamara (Claire Danes) suspects that her husband Elliot knows that she suspects that he's not entirely truthful about going to the convenience store to "just get eggs," when she discovers they ALREADY HAVE EGGS IN THE REFRIGERATOR!!!!!!!!!!!!

Person of Interest

Season 3 Episode 20

"1.56.322.6222.9.00"

Branford (James Caviezel) is given the key to a suspected terrorist's lovely brownstone building. Agent Wycke (Michael Emerson) pretends to want to talk him out of the mission but is secretly sent him to do his bidding. Senator Ellison (Taraji Henson) steps in to abort the mission, but is she too late?

Blacklist

Season 45 Episode 38

"Switcherooni"

The convicted felon genius Hargrove (James Spader) reveals he still wets the bed, which causes Detective Megan Boone (Megan Boone) to wonder if rumors that he is a federal agent in disguise are true... Meanwhile Duckie attempts to ask Andie to the prom since Blane hadn't asked her yet. Do you get the reference.

I don't know about you, but that bat guano episode looked pretty good.

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The Suzemily Players Rehearse

Some pivotal scene in Grey's Anatomy or something.