Royal Match Review Update

Note: This is an update to a May 16 entry

It has recently been brought to our attention that the feckless, helpless, useless king in the Royal Match mobile game has a name:

KING ROBERT. That's the name given to the constant need to be rescued, to the uncanny ability to find themselves in very specific types of danger, and to the inability to properly govern your subjects because you're almost getting drowned by snowman vomit. LONG LIVE KING ROBERT

Sniff Sniff

Pictured: a canine Sno-cone

25 Days of Hallmark Movies, Day 1: "A Shoe Addict's Christmas"

Romance Factor: 3 out of 10

Christmas Cheer: 6 out of 10

Overall Rating: 4 out of 10

Time Until First Kiss: 01:25:06

Some Possible Complications from Casting a Black Man As Frosty The Snowman

I got this flyer in the mail from the Paper Mill Playhouse advertising children's shows in December (not sure why C.S. News' "The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe" is considered a Christmas play, but whatever). What struck me was the bold casting of an African American actor as Frosty the Snowman.

An unorthodox and progressive move, to be sure. You would think a snowman would be white, right? And I do applaud casting a minority actor beyond the typical roles that they get. But this clear demonstration of inclusiveness and seeing beyond color – especially in this political environment – somehow doesn't sit well with me in this case. Maybe considering the Paper Mill is located in the fairly wealthy, white township of Millburn, NJ? Who knows.

Here now are some red flags that the producers of the show might have seen but plowed past anyway:

• Racists in the audience might cheer when Frosty melts

• The whole "magical negro" thing

• Frosty is in possession of a stolen hat

• Helping a black man travel north on a railroad

• The possible message that a black man needs the help of white children to survive

• Creating the fiction that a black man can roam around New York City without being hassled

• Snow purists might be offended he's performing in "white face"

• Mike Pence might show up

• Children might make their own snowman afterward and be disappointed theirs doesn't resemble Kevin Hart

• It might inspire African American boys to stop applying to colleges to become snowmen instead

• The bumpity-bump-bump remix featuring Rihanna was unnecessary

More New Taglines To A Movie That Was Released In 2013

Coming Soon To The EADJ Crappinema: "Route 30," starring Dana Delany

There are a lot of wacky subplots going on here involving eccentric locals. It might as well be "Northern Exposure: The Movie." I have lots of respect for Dana Delany as an actor, so this will only be more painful for me to watch her trudge through this "endearing" comedy. Who knows. Maybe this movie is actually great.

On the back, the production company Echo Bridge Home Entertainment has the slogan "The Entertainment Alternative For What The World Wants To See." Is this movie an alternative TO what the world wants to see? Or if the world DOES want to see it, why would there need to be an entertainment alternative? Is there no cursing in this movie? And why is a Bigfoot involved at all?

These and many other questions will be addressed in the next EADJ Crappinema. Now in IMAX 3-D Dolby Digital.

Six Lies Told By the Bryce Ski Resort Brochure

1) That kid thinks he's totally hot shit but he ain't fucking nuthin'.

2) Although the Fireside Grill lists beer last amongst their offerings, it is the main reason anyone goes there, even at 9am.

3) You see that snowboarder goofing like he's about to jump down off the lift? He was totally too much of a wuss to do it, earning the scorn of his two braver, wiser buddies.

4) "NASTAR Racing." That's a misprint. The Horst Locher Snowsport School actually offers NASCAR Racing, the National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing that governs over 1500 auto races at over 100 tracks around the country and in Canada.

5) Under a very loose interpretation of this Virginia law, a carpet lift operator could feasibly stab anyone on the Bunny Slope and get away with it.

6) Contrary to legend, the owners of Bryce Resort had no intention of making the ski trail map resemble a cartoon fish.

EADJ is proud to announce that starting March 31, participating Sizzler restaurants will offer a special "6 Lies" Rib Eye steak. This delicious, well-marbled cut of beef is seared generously with their signature steak seasoning and grilled to perfection. Served with your choice of side of either smashed potatoes or steak fries, the "6 Lies" Rib Eye will be hard to beat. $12.99 with coupon.

Bonus: Apparently Google+ detected the cover of this brochure and saw fit to add this:

The hell?!