Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To HBO Max This Month

Periodically, HBO Max renews or cancels shows or movies based on viewer preferences. Here are all the shows that will be added to HBO Max this month:

• The 72 hour Zack Snyder Justice League Extended This Is The Real Version Version

• Cassie & Her Lint Roller

• A Wild, Hilarious Road Trip With Romanian Prime Minister Nicolae Ciucă

• 2 Hours of Chris Hemsworth Manscaping

Here are the shows and movies that HBO Max is removing from their lineup this month:

• Mennonite Glory Hole

• Sanka! The Musical

• Roomba Pimps

• Biker Flower Arranging

• Football Playoff Games That Won't Count

UAG

Some Watercolor Animals And Their Terrible Confessions

And Now, Cement Bird's Spring Cleaning Tips

Cement Bird, as you may remember, can only communicate via shitty email FWDs:

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Ramblings of a Retired Mind

• I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse.  I can’t afford one.  So, I’m  wearing my garage door opener.
• I also made a cover for my  hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.
• You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.
• I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
• I thought about  making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it ‘Pumping Rust’.
• I’ve gotten that dreaded furniture disease.  That’s when your chest is falling into your drawers!
• When people see a cat’s litter box, they always say, ‘Oh, have you got a cat?’  Just once I want to say, ‘No, it’s for company!’
• Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency.  I think you should write, ‘A Good Doctor’!
• I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.  Then, it dawned on me.  They were cramming for their finals.
• As for me, I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.
• Enjoy Your Days  & Love Your Life, Because Life is a journey to be savored.
• Gentle Thoughts for  Today -
• Birds of a feather  flock together . . . .and  then poop on your car.
• A penny saved is a government oversight.
• The older you get,  the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
• He who hesitates is probably right.
• Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
• If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
• The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble..
• Did you ever notice:  When you put the 2 words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘Theirs…’
• Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
• Some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not me, I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way.  I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
• When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
• One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.  Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
• Lord, Keep your arm  around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth .
• . … AMEN

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Spotted Near South Orange, NJ

Totally. Chicken bones can kill dogs. So we should throw them in the trash!!!

…We're talking about throwing the chicken bones in the trash, right? Not throwing the dogs we just killed in the trash. 

Shit. Maybe we should throw BOTH in the trash, just to be sure. Sorry, doggie.

"Lean Somewhere Else, Jagoff."

Pictured above, J'Net attempts to pay for a parking space around some dude who's cold cold lampin'.

Dumb YouTube Comment O' The Fortnight!

Posted by Pilotemane90 on the excellent Floating Dog YouTube page, a "hey-I'm-a-pilot" show-offy and scoldy comment that I can't decide to file under "nobody gives a shit" or "shut the fuck up."

"Now why is this important, well the oil pick up is in the lowest pat of the sump, so if all your oil is floating at the top, and your sump is at the bottom you can run the risk of running the engine out of oil, hence the reason for inverted oil an fuel systems. And please dont use the Im in flight school BS again you sound like an idot. But otherwise negatve G's are awesome!"

Fresh Direct Monday: Chicken and Cheese Cannelloni, or How To Burn The Everloving Shit Out of Your Mouth

Our week of bad begins today with a sampling of Italian food from the vending machine on 21. Now, much fanfare had been given to this new machine. Tabletents, easel boards, and flyers were everywhere, begging people to try this new fantastic food.


A quick elevator ride to 21 showed that the advertising hadn't really worked, because the kitchen was pretty much empty. Well, it was a nice day out, so let's give Fresh Direct the benefit of the doubt.


The selections were easy to read and very straightforward. From Presto Italiano, I had the choice of Classic Chicken Parmesan & Spaghetti, Chicken & Cheese Cannelloni w/Pesto & Spinach, and Lobster Ravioli w/ Classic Vodka Sauce & Basil. I decided on the Chicken & Cheese Cannelloni because it had the most ampersands.


Since the dish was $7.95, you can't pay in cash. Instead, the machine wants you to perpetuate the vicious cycle of debt that you've gotten yourself trapped into ever since your student loans.


A quick pop into the microwave, set for 3 minutes, and we'll have food!


During the three minutes, I took the liberty to read up on the nutritional facts about the entrée I was about to sample. 580 calories?! Shit, that's like 2.5 cheeseburgers.


And despite it having 1320 mg of sodium, I had an inkling that I would still need salt.




And once I popped that in my mouth, a volcano of pain shot up through my forehead. A spike of magma pierced both eyeballs and turned my throat to ash. In my haste to try the food, I forgot my college training to LET MICROWAVED FOOD SIT OUT FOR A MINUTE. Big duh.


But once the cannelloni had cooled down, I tasted it again, and it wasn't much better than the physical pain. It had hints of pesto and spinach, and it was technically shaped like a cannelloni, but tastewise, it was like a pesto gorilla devoured a raw chicken and then blew his nose into a cannelloni dishrag.




Overall rating: F

A Bit We Don't Do Anymore.

It's been a while since EADJ announced the end of doing Pathmark entries like this:


But it seems that other retail stores are getting in on the act. Like Ikea:




(roasted chicken?!)

and Target:



And I know that Pathmark has always been the leader of mis-shelved inventory, but it's going to have to relinquish its crown after this shelf I saw at Target:


I mean, there's so much shit on these shelves that I don't even know what the original display was supposed to look like. Spectacular. Target FTW.

Let's Fill the EADJ Mail Sack With Boiling Water And Make Some Noodles!

Submitted by Andrew:

An Open Letter To Guy Fieri

Dear Guy Fieri,

Okay, I understand. You're making "casual dining" a more approachable, even more fun experience. You're helping re-position TGI Friday's as more "with-it" and "down with the kids." When one visits TGIFridays.com, they're met with a posterized face of your mug and some garage band rock blaring. You're building on the familiar equity of Friday's and giving it some "edge."


But you know what? I don't think any of us need that. We like our shitty jalapeno poppers and precooked chicken sandwiches just fine. We've never expected a proper chef to serve us foie gras and pheasant under glass, because we are eating AT THE FUCKING MALL. So don't try to think you're totally breaking down the barriers of cook and customer by calling yourself a "food dude." That sounds like someone who doesn't wash their hands.

And go wash that shit out of your hair. You're embarrassing your kids.

Fuck a horse,

Eat A Dick Joel

Halal, All Y'all

(pictured above, Alnoor Halal Live Poultry Market demonstrates the Middle Eastern equivalent of Rock, Scissors, Paper)