♪ Life is a Pa-athmark, Old Chum / It's Only a Pa-athmark ♪

 

I Went To the Doctor's Office Recently

The receptionist was rude. The doctor was inattentive.

But at least the space heater in the examination room was friendly.

EADJ Fashion Round-up: Picking Up Kids From School Edition

 This is the culmination of what four years of working from home looks like:

Seventies hanging thread art chic:

The effort to put on actual shoes vs. Crocs is admirable here:

This ensemble spotted in a line at Six Flags. Matchy matchy:

This ensemble spotted in front of elementary school. Matchy matchy:

And not so much clothes but hair here. I'm fascinated by this dude's SHAVEN PART:

"Why don't people dress up to fly anymore," you ask? Because the service is like a city bus terminal and you just want to be comfortable during the whole miserable experience?

Six Upcoming Hollywood Movies Based On a NJ Diner Breakfast Menu

The major Hollywood studios have been out of movie ideas for years. Recently, however, they've gotten desperate enough to raid the breakfast menu to develop new feature films. Here are their upcoming cinematic offerings:

"Scrambled" starring Jason Bateman and Sarah Silverman

Bateman plays a billionaire tech entrepreneur who gets amnesia after bumping his head and is convinced by a con artist (Silverman) that he's giving her all his money. Also starring Rashida Jones as the orphanage manager.

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"Over Easy" starring John David Washington, Barry Keoghan and Letitia Wright

A hardboiled crime drama involving a failed heist, forty corrupt cops and a conspiracy to kill the mayor. Directed by the Russo Brothers.

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"Over Medium" starring Issa Rae, Jon Heder and Jack Black

Two supernatural skeptics (Seder & Black) confront what they think is a fake medium (Rae) but discover her powers are very, very real. Also starring Nate Fielding as a clueless reporter.

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"Over Hard" starring Alexis Texas, Riley Reid, Stormy Daniels and Lana Rhoades

No specific details about this film other than it's being filmed in the San Fernando Valley.

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"Cage-Free Egg Whites" not starring Nicolas Cage

Despite he and his representatives' persistent efforts, Nicolas Cage is NOT starring in this indie film about egg whites. Director Sam Mendes and cinematographer Roger Deakins are attached, further frustrating Cage.

Let's Say Goodbye To Whatever Advertisers Want Us To Say Goodbye To!

Goodbye! *kiss* Goodbye! Bye-bye! Goodbye!

"We Hang the Petty Thieves and Appoint the Great Ones to Pathmark."

Call Me When You Want / Call Me When You Need / Call Me In The Morning / I'll Be On The Pathmark

UAG

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags: Global Pandemic Edition

These are the least used hashtags used on Twitter these days. So go ahead and use them at your discretion:

#togetherness

#freekissingbooth

#officeopenfloorplan

#latexglovehandjive

#latexglovehandjob

#americacanbeatthiswithprayer

#sushichefswithamildcoughit'snothing

#handsacrossAmericaforthecure

#cripplingdepressionoverthiswholethingactuallyfeelsprettygood

Some New Documentaries To Watch On The Documentaries Channel

The Documentaries Channel streaming service has announced some new documentaries this week to watch along with the regular documentaries they're already showing. You can start watching any of these now:

• Not Blythe: The Story of a Woman Who Looks Remarkably Like Actress Blythe Danner But Isn't Her

• HAM: The Meat of an Empire & The Empire of Meat

• Background: The Extras In Movies You Love Ditch On How Miserable Shooting Actually Was

• Shuriken: Their History, How They're Made, and How To Remove One From Your Sternum

• Gas Leak! Silent But Deadly (Not About Farts, This Is Serious, Guys)

• Stuff You: How The Beanie Babies Industry Cheats Its Collectors

• Shit On A Stick: America's Love Affair With State Fairs

• Putting Baby In A Corner: A Dirty Dancing Alternate Timeline Explored

• "You Fucking Pussy": A Tribute To Older Brothers

The ProofrEADJer: So Soon After The Last One Edition

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Burnish or "Antique" Leather Shoes

A brand new pair of shoes looks great, but a pair of beautifully burnished antique ones can look even better. But it usually takes years and years of wear and polish to create the look. Here now are a few steps to achieve the same look in a fraction of the time:

1) First, use a multi-purpose conditioning cream to moisturize the leather and clean off any gunk or stains that might prevent the pores absorbing some new polish. Apply two coats of brown cream polish to the entire shoe by rubbing it in thoroughly, letting the cream dry, and then buffing smooth and repeating.

2)  Next, switch to the darker stuff. Black polish will darken the leather, but only subtly, so don't worry: once the process is done, the leather will only look a little darker. But remember: the darker your shoes are, the less noticeable the effect will be.

3) Follow up the darker polish points with some shoe wax. Rub on a generous amount and then aggressively buff with a chamois. Repeat until those darkened spots are nice and shiny, and your shoes will look beautifully worn!

And speaking of beautifully worn, if you ride in the back of my limo, you'll notice an ashtray in the center and not on the arm rests of the door. I'm trying to keep the leather interior nice, so don't be a jerk and rest your ciggy on the arm rests, capiche? Stay safe, kids.

Air Was Scared

Air was scared.

Weather map was confused.

Light fixture said, "Stop whining."

Photo Developer looked on in shock.

And Bathroom Stall Shelf just sat there like a doofus.

Fuzzy Wuzzy Was A Racist Appliance