Spotted In A Loews Movie Theatre

Riding down the escalator, I noticed this unremarkable mural of Times Square on the wall.

Pretty unremarkable, until you notice the movie playing on the Embassy marquee:

STUNT CAT?! HOLY SHIT WE GOTTA MAKE THIS HAPPEN, HOLLYWOOD.

I Gotta Stop Picking Up Random Magazines.

Spotted in the April issue of New York Resident Magazine (what?!), an ad for the PetzLife line of oral care products. It so many bad design decisions that I have to slow the car down just to watch.

(click to enlarge)


First off, slapping some clipart human grins onto a miserable looking dog and cat and making them the main visual in the ad would be enough for me to fire the designer.


But apparently, the client liked the visual so much, they slapped it on the QR code:


Then there's the burlap background, the hideous insets of stained pet teeth, the small, dull product shots, the 7 Oral Problems they just made up on the spot, the twenty typefaces they used, the sickly green hue on all the photography, and the microscopic 'how to use' section.


If that weren't enough, they fence off a section at the bottom for some anxiety-relieving drops. "Works great for thunderstorms and fireworks!" Which actually sounds like a good idea, since pets are terrified of those noises. But if you're going to force feed them some liquid to calm them down, why not just use cough syrup or booze?


A 4.5 oz. bottle of those drops goes for 24 bucks, by the way. Yeesh. A 1.75L of Smirnoff Vodka, however, goes for only $17. Just sayin.

An Open Letter From A Cat To Its Owner Who Bought a CatNix® Workspace Partition, As Seen In The Latest Issue of SkyMall

Okay, I get it. You want to be left alone to work on your spreadsheets or expense reports or whatever. That's cool. I realize that whenever you're working on your laptop or computer, that I can't expect for you to drop everything just to pet my head or scratch the part on my back towards the tail that makes me arch my butt. But I as a cat have needs, too.

I just bother you once in a while when I feel like you haven't paid enough attention to me. That can't be more frequently than every hour or so– no big deal. Just my way of checking in with you and saying hello. And you have shooed me away or picked me up and set me on the floor enough times where I get the hint and leave you alone for a while. We're all adults here.

So when you went and bought the CatNix® Workspace Partition after seeing it in the SkyMall catalog, I knew something in our relationship was terribly wrong. This was essentially an act of war.


I mean, look at this thing. There's a solid piece of PLEXIGLASS between you and me now. I feel like I'm at a goddamned hockey game. Ridiculous.

And don't think I'm not agile enough to simply bound over these partitions onto your keyboard. You've seen me reach the top of the pantry door from the kitchen counter. I'll fucking do it if I have to. It's more the sheer gesture of literally setting up walls between you and me. That's the part that really hurts. It's just a big "fuck you" to yours truly.

Remember, you have responsibilities as my owner, too. Just because you open a can of food for me and change my litter box doesn't mean your job is done: I crave serious emotional support, too, dummy. Hell, I'm already there for you, always. Who was there for you when that Sicilian girl stood you up? Who listened to you bitch about your crappy mid-level executive job this last year? The same job you're devoting more time to than stroking me? You forgetful putz.

And did you have to shell out $37.99 (plus shipping) of your hard earned money just to shut me out like that? That's just downright wasteful. With that money you could score some serious high-end cat toys and a laser pointer. But I guess that didn't cross your mind, did it?

Also, who the fuck is this guy?

Learn to appreciate what's around you before what's around you scratches your fucking eyes out while you sleep.

Fuck you,
Wally the Cat

A Brief Summary and Critique of "The Cat Sitter Trilogy," As Sold At Petsmart

The Cat Sitter Trilogy at first glance is a series of innocent DVDs designed to amuse your cats while you go out whoring at clubs. Closer analysis, however, reveals a tightly-constructed narrative that begins with a simple coming of age story and builds into an almost apocalyptic war epic with the fate of nations in the balance. Here now we break the DVDs down into the individual stories that make this impressive story arc.

Cat Sitter DVD, "Volume 1: "Birds" informally titled "Justice Unserved"

Young actor Jay Baruchel plays the awkward teenage kid who runs his father's birdcage shop. He happens upon a secret compartment in the stockroom, and inside is a magical Macguffin which awakens his latent bird powers. The first twenty minutes of this installment covers him learning how to perch, peck and sit inside the little squares in a chain link fence. He is trained by a Japanese man named Xu Daoning, although it's clearly a Chinese name, and he's played by a caucasian actor with eye shadow. Whatever.

Cat Sitter DVD, "Volume 2: "Rodents" informally titled "From Earth We Shall Master Ourselves; To The Sky We Shall Reign Over All"

Jay Baruchel continues as a young, troubled but talented teenager who must unite the world of birds with that of the underground rodents. This second installment, like "The Empire Strikes Back," is all a big downer designed to create new obstacles for our more fleshed out protagonist. Also, the Japanese guy is now played by a Chinese guy. Baby steps.



Cat Sitter DVD, "Volume 3: "Yarn and String" informally titled "Fuck All Y'All"

The production company pulls all the stops in this magnificent third installment. String, yarn, and even thread take part in this epic battle for supremacy. Jay Baruchel has grown a half-decent moustache by now, and the powers he holds over birds and rodents are only matched by his opponent, Xu Daoning! It turns out he was training him all along so that he could defeat him! The battle rages on for almost 3 full minutes before Jay Baruchel decides to use one of his "illegal" moves, thereby defeating his old master, etc etc.

Will cats enjoy this trilogy? I have yet to see a cat not take a swipe at the screen. Will your children like it? You have children and you're still going out whoring? You need to get your priorities straight, Veronica and Angela.

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto With How To Calm A Cat In Heat

Grab your cat in heat and place it on your lap with its hind quarters readily accessible. Chances are the cat will freely offer them– if not the first time this procedure is followed, then certainly each time afterward. Insert a Q-tip into the cat's vagina. It will be exposed and puffy. Do not insert the Q-tip into the other orifice. Either way the cat will begin to scream, but there is a subtle and audible difference in the scream of satisfaction and the scream of rectal pain. Experiment a little until you can distinguish the two.

Move the Q-tip in and out of the cat's vagina slowly at first, then more rapidly. No need to be gentle, no matter what you do with the Q-tip (it beats a barbed cat penis digging around in there!).

You are finished when the cat is finished. You will know when the cat is finished because it will either begin immediately to have a cat orgasm, or it will run away with the Q-tip sticking out of its ass. If this happens let it calm down before attempting to retrieve your Q-tip.

And speaking of orgasms, when riding in my town car, keep it down and use the tissue box. And if I see a used condom between the cushions, I'm charging you double for cleaning the interior. It's in the contract.

UAG

Adopt Zuko!

Found this flyer at one of those independent coffeeshops in Brooklyn where big burlap sacks full of coffee beans are stacked around the room as if it were some goddamned general store in the Wild West.

(Click to enlarge)


But what I found interesting was this sentence in the flyer:


You're damn right his name can be changed. It can be Peter. Or Wallace. Or Frederick. Or Professor Twinkles. Shit, it could even be Osama Bin PAWden, who gives a shit. The fact is, no matter what you name it, when you call it, it ain't coming. Because cats are so infuriatingly apathetic about anything but chasing tiny things and licking their fur. Hey, Osama Bin PAWden, come here and let me scratch behind your ears! Hey, come over here! Come here, boy! Over here! Come over here! I'm calling your name, Osama Bin Pawden, why won't you come? Over here, boy! Come here! Hey, over here! Come here! Come over here, Osama Bin Pawden! Here, boy! Come here! Come here, boy! Hey, come over here! Right here, boy! That's it, come over here! Osama Bin PAWden, come over here! Over here, Osama Bin PAWden! Come here! Over here! Hey! Come over here, boy! Okay, your name used to be Zuko– here Zuko! Here boy! Zuko, come over here! Let me scratch you behind your ears, Zuko! Hey Zuko! Over here!

See? Fucking cat.

Carving Out a Niche?

Some of you regular readers might remember from a Pun Cops entry a horrific quasi-political ad starring Richard Belzer and an embarrassed cat.


So imagine my surprise when I spotted the cover of this week's Village Voice:


Turns out the cat is still affixed to Richard's shoulder but demanded to be hidden behind some sort of prop.

Ticketmaster thinks I am a Red Hat Society member.

Ticketmaster sent me this email today:

Like, what the fuck? I haven't listened to Debbie Reynolds in like, I dunno, like 2 weeks or something. And that CATS original cast soundtrack may be in the CD changer, but it's not like I've cranked it lately. Not really. Not loud.

Memories...