This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Man, these LEGO sets for grown ups are getting pretty sophisticated.

Did you know Onyx was still around? They're not.

"Parental Advisory: Explicit Content". Just in case the cartoon ho's (at a piano?) and the bloody cartoon corpses in trash bags didn't tip you off.

This reminded me to order some more postage stamps.

The man behind all the hits you never heard of. Nice to finally be recognized.

Designer vinyl figures are all the rage. This one goes for the price of your house.

If nothing but a rapper's chains are on the album cover, it's pretty much a guarantee that every song on there is gonna be about that guy's gold.

Wait! No, not the vintage camcorder!

My new backsplash.

Yeah, I bet he'd float, no problem.

I like this, mainly because it's actually painted and not a lazy Photoshop. Yeah, I know that's a low bar.

More Items That Are Objectively Cuter Than Ariana Grande

Editor's Note: Before we begin this semi-regular segment, it must be said that we have nothing against Ariana Grande. She's a talented star who obviously has a gigantic, loyal following, so we wish her nothing but the best. It's just that she is not maybe THAT cute.

Pop phenom Ariana Grande prides herself on her vocal range and catchy songs, but it also seems she seeks to claim the crown as the Cutest Thing Ever in the Universe. We must respectfully disagree. Here now are a few more things that are inarguably cuter than she:

• Tapdancing cartoon dandelions

•  Two kittens curled up in an oven mitt

• Dollhouse tire swings

• Dachsund testicles

• When Adam West's Batman tries to talk but he's out of breath

• When small dwarf hands make the "fucking" gesture 👉👌

• Mogwais

• That look on a teenager's face when you steal his wallet

• A burro wearing a monocle

• Ben Stiller sleeping

The Worst Possible Things To Say While Playing the ECR4Kids Jumbo Four-To-Score Giant Game 4-In-A-Row Connect Game

Someone close to you has spent $159.99 plus tax plus shipping for the ECR4Kids Jumbo Four-To-Score Giant Game 4-In-A-Row Connect Game and is now enjoying it in the backyard with you and some others. Here now are maybe the worst possible things you could say at the moment:

• "What the fuck is this? I could've built this for you for like, $20"

• "Connect Four is the copyrighted property of Hasbro Corporation. This large version is an unauthorized use, and I will be contacting their lawyers."

• "I think about four of these could fit on my dick."

• "Have any of you seen that documentary Plandemic online? Very eye opening."

• "You're pretty good at this game, Jeff. When you're not DATE RAPING."

• "These look like donuts. But I probably said that because I'm fat. Nobody loves me. Will any of you love me even though I'm a fat piece of shit who can't hold a relationship down?"

• "No, seriously, I could put about five of these on my dick."

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Netflix This Month

Due to contract negotiations, the following movies and TV shows will be removed from Netflix this week:

• Shirtless Antiques Road Show

• Privilege Theatre: People Of Color Act Out What White Women Believe

• I Once Met Hoyt Axton: An Old Casino Teller's Boring Stories

• How They're Made: Boogers With Hair In Them

• Subway Sandwich Artiste Academy

Due to periodic contract negotiations, the following movies and TV shows will be added to Netflix this week:

• I Painted My Balls Like Sonny and Cher

• Sexually Suggestive Plumbing Fixtures

• Joan Osborne Dreams About What Her Life Would've Been Like Without Writing That Damn Song

• Scuzi! Clumsy Pizzeria Workers

• Tejano Covers of Katy Perry Songs That Are Actually Better

• Craft Tape Crafts featuring James Hurberry Who's In Witness Protection and is Actually Named Douglass Kiergarten

Happy Labor Day Weekend From EADJ

Childbirth is an exciting, exhilarating new stage in your life. Your body will go through a harrowing but ultimately rewarding transformation from woman to child bearer. This transformation is known as labor.

Your contractions- as they get closer together- will herald your new life, both literally and figuratively. Stay attuned to your body's signals as you enjoy the natural drum roll that is labor. Feel the way your body seizes up and your pulse quickens as your uterine muscles begin pushing that placental miracle towards your vaginal opening. Also, pay special attention to the acute new feelings of elastic agony that your labia majora and labia minora encounter as they're stretched to the limit. Burn a candle.

Wait, this weekend isn't about that? Oh, right.

***UPDATE*** I already made this lame joke five years ago! I'm finished creatively!

NY vs NJ

Since moving to Maplewood, NJ from Brooklyn, NY this EADJ reporter has noticed some serious cultural differences between the two fine cities.

Tools in Brooklyn:


Tools in Maplewood:



Garbage in Maplewood:


Garbage in Brooklyn:


Cart in Brooklyn:


Cart in Maplewood:


Wildlife in Maplewood:


Wildlife in Brooklyn:



A note in Maplewood:


A note in Brooklyn:

An Imagined Conversation.

"Now, you can see, gentleman– and lady– on this next hologram that the All Terrain Armored Transport, or 'AT-AT' for short, features extremely heavy armor and armaments. The Imperial Department of Military Research are very proud of this latest assault walker design, and...excuse me."
"Yes?"
"Aren't you Anne Murray?"
"Yes."
"Wait. Anne Murray the singer?! How did you get into this Imperial officer weapons briefing (I'm a really big fan, by the way) ?"
"(Thanks) Well, I don't know, the door was open, and I guess I got off on the wrong floor..."
"What are you talking about, Anne Murray? This is the Death Star, a heavily guarded, self-contained space station in the middle of space! There's no possible way you could have just wandered into this room!"
"I have all your albums."
"Well, I'm afraid we might be forced to detain you, Mrs. Murray. But we must continue with the briefing."
"Please, continue. I find this very interesting."
"Thanks. Ahem. Now, the AT-AT is designed for the dual purpose of crushing and demoralizing enemy forces, but also as a transport for troops and light vehicles. And because of its heavy armor and stature, it can well be the first vehicle deployed to a combat zone. Jerjerrod!"
"Sorry. I wasn't paying attention. Mrs. Murray, I have to ask, why was the album I'll Be Seeing You released only in Canada and not elsewhere? It's one of my favorites."
"We can't have this discussion now. Or ever! It isn't canon!"
"What's canon?"
"You know, what's allowed in the Star Wa...this universe."
"Have you heard her version of I'm Gonna Sit Right Down and Write Myself a Letter? It's fantastic."
"Thanks!"
"I'm sure it's wonderful. You know, I think we all need a break now. Let's meet up in fifteen minutes. Guards, take Mrs. Murray to Cell Block 1138. And Jerjerrod, can I borrow that CD you mentioned so that I could rip it?"