Some Year-End Benefits For AMC Stubs Rewards Members

AMC is making moviegoing fun for the end of 2018! Here are the latest perks and pluses you can look forward to as a holder of the AMC Stubs Rewards card!

• Free 14" popcorn ball for adults

• Free refill of nasty vanilla Diet Coke

• A free pre-worn pair of velvet Stubs slippers for your feet that you'll have to return once you've finished the movie. You can't keep them.

• Free fart quilt

• Special pair of 5D glasses that let you see every frame of the movie at once from all angles

• A nice, special seat to park that fine ass of yours– whooooo girl

• Free collabo track with either Pitbull or Sia (your choice)

• Special headset for the attention-span-impaired that yells the plot of the movie in your ears

• Cabbage

• Free endangered giraffe semen for virility and energy (China AMCs only)

• If you're too tired to drive home after the movie, we will FedEx you

The Awful Maternity Gift Guide

Are you an expectant mother? Do you have terrible taste in gifts? Then read on, as EADJ presents two of the worst possible gifts you can give or get as a mother-to-be.

3D/4D Ultrasound Frameable Photos


Why wait for your baby to be born to clutter your shitty apartment with photos, when you can do it now with creepy undead mummy photos of your fetus! It's a fantastic, unnecessary invasion of your child's privacy– just like when you'll search their room for booze in their tweens. Gollum! Gollum!
Item #854334666 ..............................$65.00 for 14 Color Pictures and 8x10 Color Enlargement



Mama's Belly Bronze Bowl


Commemorate the distended abdomen of the mother-to-be with this bronze casting, which can be used as a bowl. A bowl you can eat Quaker Oats oatmeal out of. Or a bowl you can use when changing the oil in the garage. Or a bowl you can serve a fresh salad in to your horrified guests who will never come visit you again. Or if your child has a ginormous head, a bowl you can use to force them to get an unattractive bowl haircut. You are a terrible mother.
Item #A843P3612 .............................. $1300.00, PLUS tax and shipping. Good Christ.

A Once-In-A-Lifetime, Three Second Video

Below, from the Celebrate Brooklyn show in August, possibly one of the very few videos that feature Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings and my mother-in-law in the same shot.

This Thing Called Twitter

Where else are you going to find Lil' Jon's thoughts about coming down with a cold?

Let's Destroy All of the EADJ Mail Sack's Fond Childhood Memories!

Submitted by Tom W: "Lame promotional wallpaper!"


And found in a local bookshop, the actual script template used by Spielberg and Lucas:

Let's Put Dressing Directly on the EADJ Mail Sack's Salad Even Though She Asked Us Specifically To Put It On the Side!

(submitted by J'Net, an ad for an amazing hair replacement system that not only grows hair but summons your mother)

EADJ Jazzy Joel and the Fresh Dick

How an innocent trip to traffic court turned into a dick-eating smorgasbord for Joel, in fourteen steps:

1) Joel wakes up

2) Joel takes a shower

3) Joel gets dressed

4) Joel picks up the morning paper from the curb

5) Joel enjoys a nutritious breakfast prepared by his chimp servant

6) Joel adjusts the thermostat to conserve energy while he's away

7) Joel waves hi to Mrs. Goldfarb sweeping her porch

8) Joel drives his RAV4 to traffic court

9) Joel stops at a stoplight and checks his hair

10) Joel finds a parking spot in the shade

11) Joel walks to the traffic court building

12) Joel sees a lot of dick in a nearby alley

13) Joel gobbles a motherfucking load of dick

14) Traffic court judge wastes an hour of his time waiting for Joel, reads the latest Mother Jones magazine

(pictured above, this week's top-selling pattern at Joann Fabrics)