A Rebuttal of The Tubes's "She's A Beauty" From The Alleged Beauty, Who Once Again Happens To Be Jocelyn Taylor-Heffernan! What Are The Chances?

Previous rebuttals here and here.

I know at this point, it looks like I'm looking for trouble- luring men and breaking their hearts. But honestly, I'm just a simple claims adjuster who has an after-work cocktail now and then. It's just been my extreme misfortune to be accosted by so many creepy musicians from the 80s! If there were another bar besides The Breakfast Club Bar near my work, believe me, I'd be going there instead!

One of the things I enjoy is having my drink over by the window. That way I can spot Tammy or Debora (not Debra or Deborah with the H) and call them inside to share a drinkie. But lately these guys named The Tubes have noticed me in the window and have started calling unwanted attention my way. Here is my point-by-point rebuttal of what they've been saying:

1) "Step right up and don't be shy / Because you will not believe your eyes / She's right here behind the glass / And you're gonna like her 'Cause she's got class" What the fuck? I'm minding my own business in a window, and now these assholes are charging admission for people to look at me? What about my privacy?!

2) "You can look inside another world / You get to talk to a pretty girl / She's everything you dream about / But don't fall in love" You can knock on the window or put your number on a piece of paper and put it against the glass, but I'm not talking to you.

3) "She's a beauty / She's one in a million girls / She's a beauty / Why would I lie? / Why would I lie?" You'd lie because I can read your lips that you're charging $5 to "check out this MILF's sexy gams". That does it. I'm calling the police next time I see you out there, Tubes.

A Few More Things That Are Cuter Than Ariana Grande

Previous entries on this subject can be seen here.

For years now, Ariana Grande has presented herself as a dimply, aw-shucks pop songstress that's just as cute as a baby button. But EADJ has a list of 20 things that happen to be cuter than her:

1. Cartoon caterpillars

2. Jane Wiedlin (circa 1989)

3. Otters holding hands while floating

4. A Sanrio version of Snuggles the fabric softener bear

5. Finger sandwiches

6. The Flintstone vitamin of Dino

7. Satin short shorts for American Girl dolls

8. Keith, the host at Olive Garden in San Mateo, California

9. those tiny rubber bands that used to go on people's braces

10. flute solos

11. fat men who can't do somersaults

12. Toffifay

13. Pluto still hanging in there

14. The lowercase letters of the Century Gothic font

15. The tiny island of Tubou in Fiji

16. Minecraft pigs

17. Nightlight bulbs

18. Calling an amputated limb a "boo-boo"

19. Airplane bottles of wine

20. The word "shew"

The Adult Adventures of Caillou

If you have kids, chances you've watched the awful cartoon "Caillou," which features possibly the whiniest bitch of a fictional toddler you've ever seen. This week Netflix announced an updated reboot of the maligned Caillou franchise, featuring the main character as an adult working in the big city. Here now are some episode plot outlines:

• Caillou feels bad because although he was given a verbal invitation to someone's birthday party in the break room, he didn't also get an email invite.

• Caillou gets the janitor fired because he didn't feel like he said "hello" to him that one time and made him feel bad.

• Caillou shows up late for work and has to park farther away from the main entrance. He writes down all the other cars' license plates to confront them later about forcing him to walk so far.

• Caillou imagines an attractive co-worker making sexual advances to him, but feels bad when she does nothing of the sort. He starts planning to get her transferred or fired for making him feel bad.

• Caillou gets fired, feels bad about getting fired, then sues the company for emotional distress. He loses the case and spends his entire life savings and 401(k) on lawyer's fees. Shit sucks now, don't it, Caillou?

A Once-In-A-Lifetime, Three Second Video

Below, from the Celebrate Brooklyn show in August, possibly one of the very few videos that feature Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings and my mother-in-law in the same shot.

The Concerned Hot Dog Vendor

Hello? Yes, I've been on hold for 10 minutes already. This is the AMC Loews Lincoln Square Theatre, yes? Good.

Yes, I have a question about a new release movie that I believe is playing at your theatre. It's called "Paranormal Activity." I've read in a few movie blogs that the movie is genuinely frightening, and I was calling to just clarify that if I see the movie, it won't give me a heart attack or nuthin'.

No, I don't have a history of heart problems, although I do serve a lot of food that could be considered high in fat. You know, sausage, hot dogs, beef patties... yes, I serve the beef patties with bread... sure, you can make a sandwich with it... But my question is whether I will die from watching this scary movie.

Well, you say that no one has died at your theatre yet, but it is a new release, so maybe the person who will die from watching that movie hasn't shown up yet. I'm just saying, statistically speaking, that if this movie is as scary as I've heard (and I've heard it's excellent; it scored an 86% Fresh on Rotten Tomatoes), then I possibly have reason to be concerned about cardiac arrest.

"Call my doctor?!" Look, I'm calling you! I don't have a lot of minutes on my cell phone plan, so I just need you to tell me what are the health dangers in seeing this movie, and if you validate parking. Also, do you let hot dog carts in the parking deck...hello? Hello?

Let's Look In My Parents' Fridge!

Believe it or not, some of these ingredients find their way into dinner and are quite tasty. Or not. Ask my caucasian fiancée.