More Dipshit Conspiracy Theories For You Right Wing Outtatouchers

If you watch or listen to Info Wars, fuck you. Your insecurity about a changing world around you has forced you to seek the refuge of a ranting man-baby who blames everyone but himself for his problems, constructing elaborate but unlikely world scenarios so that his prejudiced, hateful mind can find some meaning. But if you cannot wait for Alex Jones's next episode, here are some upcoming conspiracy theories that you can nod your dim, mulleted head to:

• The Black Lives Matter Movement will throw you out if you brush your teeth with any toothpaste with whitening.

• Toys Я Us was closed down because Mattel had finally bent under pressure to start selling black and Latina versions of Skipper. The white backlash sunk sales and put the liberal cowards out of business.

• Ted Nugent has been denied a place in the Rock 'N Roll Hall Of Fame because he innocently called Obama a "subhuman mongrel" and threatened to kill Hillary Clinton, both statements which are well within his 1st Amendment rights and is so unfair because "Cat Scratch Fever" is a fucking classic and the libtard Deep State cucks can't take any criticism.

• That Spanish phrase "CUIDADO PISO MOJADO" on those janitorial "WET FLOOR" signs actually translates to "DANCE TILL YOU DIE, GRINGO."

• Olive Garden's "Bottomless Salad" has been exploited as a secret tunnel for illegals to enter the suburbs. So if you've order one during dinner, before leaving the table you should throw a stick of dynamite in the bowl and run.

• A JEWISH CONSPIRACY IF EVER I'VE SEEN ONE, FOLKS:

The ProofrEADJer: Almost May Edition

The ProofrEADJER: Sort of End of June Edition

The more illiterate the world becomes, the more frequent these entries.

Five New Businesses That Just Opened In Brooklyn

Hawthorne Village Collectibles Is Still Trying To Star Wars Me

Hot on the heels of yesterday's Star Wars train entry, I also received this marvelous direct mail piece hocking the Official Star Wars Galactic Village Collection, a set of three sculpted Star Wars scenes, complete with figurines.

(click to enlarge)


Yes, all the joy of having the action figures and toy vehicles without the detail or points of articulation but with all the breakability of porcelain. The Galactic Village Collection– a Hawthorne Village exclusive– can grace either the basement apartment at your Mom's house or the attic apartment at your Mom's house with its static, eroded-looking creations.


Hey, remember the incredible Imperial invasion of Hoth from "The Empire Strikes Back?" Well, imagine those enormous AT-ATs, but not moving at all and standing on what looks like a frosted cookie. And just look at the photoshopped sculpted detail on the figures themselves, who for some reason all looked pissed:




Since these motherfuckers are going for $59.99 EACH, I can only assume that this is targeted to rich geeks who have already collected everything and have some extra money lying around, collecting dust. So they would happily buy these porcelain sculptures to collect the dust instead.



There are three major reasons why this collection sucks:

1) Despite the spooky detail and lit interiors, these are still porcelain figures and porcelain "villages," so they're essentially the same thing as your grandmother's fragile porcelain Christmas Teddy Bear village.

2) $59.99 x 3 = $179.97?! I could spend that on medication I need or pogs.

3) Even if you've collected all three sculptures, and you've collected every action figure, every comic book, and every prop replica- and you've even read every Star Wars novel– you will never be able to catch the pure joy you had as a kid watching the original trilogy for the first time. Okay, maybe a little bit with the prop replicas.

¿Que Pasa Racist Appliances?

***BREAKING EADJ NEWS***

We actually have 2 Rolly Wrap items to announce:

1) The Old Bridge Deli on 41st & Lexington, the unofficial "Home of the Rolly Wrap," has BEEN CLOSED DOWN by the City of New York! Huge orange posters on the locked doors announce to disappointed would-be Rolly Wrap eaters that the property has been seized due to tax evasion:




This legal snarl has not only bummed out hundreds of lunchgoers but has threatened to severely alter the EADJ Rolly Wrap Drawing Contest. Will this affect the deadline? Will there even be a contest now? Will we be forced to eat at that horribly overpriced Pret A Manger now? *shudder*

Most importantly, with The Old Bridge Deli closed, how can we confirm what a Rolly Wrap even looks like now? The answer to this last question is simple: Larry K remains the only person to have seen one of those things, and he has agreed to still judge the contest. EADJ has consequently sent security guards to stand guard and protect Larry's life until the contest deadline. Let's hope his memory of what a Rolly Wrap looks like stays intact for the next few weeks.

EADJ will continue to monitor the latest developments of The Old Bridge Deli's closing and of Larry's health.

2) Despite the serious governmental setback, submissions have continued to pour in. So far we have Rolly Wrap drawings from:

Joanne
Kat
Brynn
Tom

The deadline is still Wednesday, August 27 at 3pm. We are eagerly awaiting YOUR submission! Send all submissions here.