An Imagined Conversation

"Sir, are we finally ready to relaunch our Lasagna with Meat & Sauce?"

"Maybe, Danny. This last four weeks have been tough on the development team, I know. Lots of late nights. Conference room arguments. And some team members have spent the night here multiple nights. But it's important that we satisfy the Lasagna With Meat Sauce Standard after that last lasagna audit. See, when the Lasagna With Meat Sauce Board informed us that the amount of meat in our lasagna didn't satisfy their rigorous standard, I felt like I had let you—I let the entire Stouffer's family—down. So I made the decision to come back to the L.W.M.S.B. with nothing but the very best lasagna and told you all to DOUBLE THE MEAT. You remember that?"

"Yes."

"I know it was a crazy move, but I knew that we could only hope to satisfy the Lasagna With Meat Sauce standard if we doubled the meat. Sure, lots of lasagna companies would just add 10% or 20% more meat, but Stouffer's wouldn't be where it is today by being timid with their meat decisions. We can't afford another round or two of meat proportion negotiations. So 200% it is. Let's just pray it's enough, Danny."

"God help us."

UAG

Some New Movie Ideas Based On Subway Sandwich Names

Having used up every last comic book source material for a blockbuster movie script, the script writers of all the major studios have turned to the next logical resource: the menu at Subway. Here now are the latest greenlit projects movie fans can look forward to next year:

The Philly, The Outlaw, and The Monster

This hardboiled trilogy directed by Alfonso Gomez-Rejon begins a desperate young burglar (Keke Palmer) in Philadelphia who joins forces with a crime boss (Tyler Perry) to take down a serial killer (Kevin Bacon) who's been targeting criminals.

"Supreme Meats" starring Billy Eichner and Mos Def

This musical comedy follows two employees at Tyson Foods who quit their job to make music in a nearby warehouse, much to the chagrin of their former boss (Eva Longoria).

"The Great Garlic" produced by Robert Zemeckis

This CG animated adventure takes place entirely in the pantry of a food vlogger features the voice talents of T.I., Rebel Wilson, Anna Faris, Steve Carell, and Michael B. Jordan. Also featuring Florence Pugh as the voice of Balsamic Vinegar.

"Turkey Cali Club" starring Jonah Hill, Jurnee Smollett, Jay Pharaoh and Pete Davidson

The Long Beach dance club scene gets a much needed boost when some young entrepreneurs buy every club on Pine Avenue to form one giant club. Tim Heidecker plays the police officer responding to a noise complaint every fifteen minutes.

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And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Shell Pecans

Pecans are great for snacking, baking or just snacking. Did I say snacking twice? Jesus, this medication is fucking me up. Anyways, here are some quick steps to shelling pecans:

1) Place the nut between the arms of a nutcracker and squeeze gently until you hear it crack. Don't squeeze too hard, or you will break the nut meat inside.

2) Rotate the nut between the arms of the nutcracker and squeeze again. Continue rotating and squeezing along the length of the nut until the shell becomes loose enough to remove.

3) Separate the nut meat from the shell and you're done!

4) Read the directions on your prescription drugs before taking too much, especially before driving your limo on a job.

Stay safe, kids.

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto Explains The 7 Ways That Skeletal Muscles Are Named

There are actually 8 main criteria in naming skeletal muscles:

1) Size (gluteus maximus)

2) Shape (trapezius)

3) Orientation of the muscle fibers (rectus abdominis)

4) Mechanical action of the muscles (flexor muscles)

5) Number of origins of a muscle (and yes, muscles can have more than one origin) (biceps, triceps, etc.)

6) The points of origin and insertion (sternocleidomastoid)

7) Name of the muscle function (The risorius is a facial muscle that is crucial for the expressions of smiling and laughter. Risorius comes from the Latin word risus, which means "laugh.")

8) The muscle's location (The temporalis muscle is named after the temporal bone (your temple) on top of which it is located).

And speaking of skeletal, when my limousine drivers and I are short-staffed and running on the barest of skeleton crews, please allow an extra 10 minutes for us rather than canceling and using Uber or Lyft instead. Stay safe, kids!

Let He Who Is Without Sin Cast The First Racist Appliances

The ProofrEADJer: President's Day Weekend Edition

How The Mighty Van Halen.

Spotted in CVS, one of the coolest guitar paint jobs in the history of rock 'n roll is relegated to a lousy paint chip for some broadway play Press On nails.

UAG

A Story In 3 Photos

Lady next to me applies fingernail polish. On a PLANE.

Spotted At A Stoop Sale In Brooklyn

They call them "stoop sales" since nobody in NYC has a yard, by the way.


So the sign is saying the mattress doesn't have bedbugs, or is it addressed TO bedbugs to stay away?


This brings up an interesting point: who the hell buys a used mattress, bedbugs or not?

Let's Fan Our Burp Towards the EADJ Mail Sack While It's Eating!

Submitted by Beth via IM:

Wrong.

Some agency stationery gets proven wrong. Take that, Post It pad!