Today We Caption The Little Girl In The "Don't Blow It" Public Service Poster

1) "Blow harder, you lightweight."

2) "Mom, I'm not going to judge your life choices, mainly because I think some of them got me here."

3) "You blew only a .15? Sweet! I'll call my gymnastics class and tell them I'm going to be on time."

4) "Can I finish your margarita?"

5) "Maybe if I bail into these bushes she won't notice."

6) "Dad was right to leave you."

7) "Fuck it, I'll drive."

8) "I don't know if that thing measures bad breath, but my detector is off the charts."

9) "Why are we wasting our time with this? Just give me a Phillips screwdriver. I'll break the locking pins in the ignition and we'll be off, easy peasy."

Some Unfortunate Things You Could Be Wearing While Having Road Rage

If you're going to be behind the wheel and suddenly flip the fuck out over something that happened on the road, here are some items of clothing we hope you don't happen to be wearing at the time:

• "Jesus Loves You" t-shirt
• ball gag
• screen-accurate Scarlett O'Hara cosplay
• your Taco Bell uniform
• "Ask me about refinancing your home today!" button
• a condom (while you're inside your wife)
• diabetes socks and Crocs
• papal vestments
• Paypal vestments
• "Miss Peru" pageant sash
• your Kennedy Honors Award Ribbons
• the macaw on your shoulder who repeats everything you say
• tar and feathers
• the look of love
• your dashing Mariachi band outfit, complete with rhinestoned sombrero, rhinestoned guitar and rhinestoned saddle for your burro (who is being towed in the trailer behind you)
• a name tag that says "Stan Lee," because you're Stan Lee

The Answers From Yesterday's Which Can, Erickson?

Click to engorge:

Let's Try To Buff All The Scratches Out Of The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Andrew, a sign for a car museum that for some reason features a Ninja Turtle getting struck by a Chevy from the 50's, much to the delight of Speed McQueen.

And why this display was roped off, I'll never know.

More Proof That I'm Going To Die In A Car

Bumper Sticker

Pictured below, time and sun wears away one's love for New York.

I Can't Believe I Friended You Fuckers

Pictured above, three vapid entries from my Facebook friends, whose identities I've protected by blurring their names and replacing their profile photos with that of skunk anuses.

AAA Flyer I Got In The Mail

(Click to enlarge)

Brooklyn Car Badassery

A minivan keeps it real:



And a guy refuses to stop farting in his "Incoln" Towncar:

Every Luxury Car Ad Ever

(Classy but modern but non-threatening electronic music. Think US3 meets Royksopp)

Open on loving shot of luxury car zooming down a desert road.

SMUG, OLDER WHITE MALE VO: When design meets engineering...

The camera pans lovingly over the luxury car to show another side of it, but instead of a desert road, it is now magically IN A CITY!!!!

SMUG, OLDER WHITE MALE VO: And precision meets art...

The camera continues to pan lovingly over the luxury car to the back. And now the cityscape has magically transformed into a HILLY, WINDING ROAD!!!! HOW DO THEY DO THAT?!

SMUG, OLDER WHITE MALE VO: The result is magnificent luxury, wrapped in the engineering excellence of safety and comfort...

The camera zooms magically THROUGH THE BACK WINDOW into the car interior and over the driver's shoulder. HOLY SHIT, NOBODY HAS EVER SEEN THAT CAMERA MOVE BEFORE!

SMUG, OLDER WHITE MALE VO: Not to mention power. And performance. And handling. And craftmanship.

Cut to smug white guy (or smug white woman) driving. Cut to foot hitting the pedal. Cut to car zooming fast down the road with tiny legal type: "Professional Driver on closed course. Do not attempt. Please obey local traffic laws. Not a real car."

(Music right then kicks into higher tempo classy electronic music– think Justice meets Goldfrapp)

SMUG, OLDER WHITE MALE VO: Add a 4.3-liter V8 engine with Induction Control and six-speed sequential-shift transmission, and you've got yourself the ultimate in luxury sleek styling and...God, I can't do this anymore. It's just a bunch of the same crap words shuffled a different way! It's all so meaningless, the fact that I...

LOGO

Let's Pretend To Kiss the Outside of the EADJ Mail Sack Even Though It Smells Tangy!

Below, a submission from Bill Dow at the EADJ office in San Fran. Note Bill's creepy reflection.