More Unsolicited Taglines For A Bad Canadian Horror Movie Nobody Saw

Spotted In Jersey

Have a dangerous assignment? Have no one to turn to? Turn to THE TRANSPORTER.

Are you in possession of a dangerous package that you need to deliver to Chinese gangsters by midnight? Do you need to avoid the involvement of the Feds, the local police, and rival gangs? You need THE TRANSPORTER.

THE TRANSPORTER drives only his Hyundai Elantra. He will NOT drive one of your armored town cars or illegally modified Lamborghini Countachs.

Also, THE TRANSPORTER can't drive an errand for you if the destination is the Millburn Center Strip Mall. He is no longer allowed on the premises after an incident at Foot Locker.

Got missile codes that need to be delivered to the agency head of Counter Terrorism? Need to deliver a one-of-a-kind life saving serum to an orphanage before a typhoon strikes in 2 hours? You need THE TRANSPORTER.

Need to unload alien technology with the CIA on your trail? Need to get a crucial time machine part to its inventor before his evil double from the future gets it? Trying to get a meteorite to the President to help him fight the Wolfman mafia? IT'S TIME TO CALL THE TRANSPORTER.

Except you should call his cell phone and not his home phone, because his roommate is a dick and doesn't always take down all of his messages. Not his roommate Todd, his roommate Dillon. Todd is cool.

Taint Nobody's Business By My Own

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Grand Central Bonus Beats

The question is, "Are they together?"



A few details that you probably can't see in this low-res YouTube clip:

• That's a big jar of muscle protein (like John Reid's Mass-Tech) in front of Tai Chi dude.

• I don't think in Tai Chi they give out belts, but Tai Chi dude is rocking a sweet pair of yellow socks. Plus he looked a hell of a lot like Steve Callahan.

• There's a bored white woman behind the blues singer. Not sure if she's with Tai Chi dude or if she's one of the women that done the blues guy wrong.

Work it out, Chimp Servant.

Joel had been complaining about his chimp servant's low muscle tone and weak upper body strength. So he bought it a year-long membership to Shaz, the local hip gym, complete with Olympic-length pool and climbing wall area.

At first, the chimp servant resented wearing the obligatory tank top and shorts. And the treadmill buttons were too high for it to adjust the speed. But after a few weeks, it started to visit Shaz at every opportunity.

In a short period of time, the chimp servant has improved its core muscles, its oblique abs, and its endurance in the sauna. The newly-buff chimp also has been seen canoodling with Rebecca Romijn and Rebecca Gayheart. Joel has meanwhile gained 10 lbs., although his dick-eating burns tons of calories per day.

The chimp servant has recently challenged its master to a wrestling match in the Shaz parking lot. Rebecca Gayheart will be on hand to both referee the match and to run over children while driving with a cell phone. Bookies have 23 to 1 odds on Joel winning the match.

(pictured above, Andrew at one of those lunchtime Bad Film Club viewings. Can't remember which one. "Frogs?")