Some of the AMC Stubs Perks Being Discontinued

Unfortunately, sometimes AMC is forced to end some of the benefits and rewards in its ever growing program. Here are a few of the perks that will no longer be offered to members:

• No more foam parties in the projection room

• The health department has forced the end of Butthole Nachos

• No Friday Film Fireworks 

• Spicy oatmeal with cigarette butts will only be sold in matinees

• No more racism warnings from our loud Chinese mascot

• From now on, our free backrubs will be unenthusiastic

• No more ticket refunds unless you really, really, really didn't like the movie

Here Are Your Timesheets For The Week of March 8

Ahoy, officemates! This is Troy 😼, your fearless (unpaid) intern from the 2nd floor! I have been tasked with the important task (ugh, I just said task twice 🤔. Where is Grammarly when you need it? 😱) of reminding 🎗 everyone to submit their timesheets by "EOD". Here are the job numbers 🔢 you'll probably need:

------------------------------

97725: Dumping cole slaw into the disposal

37281: Looking up the definition for 'REKT'

20809: Teaching spouse the value of money

68223: Toner games

05441: Muting yourself

05442: Unmuting yourself

X3330: Mutant yourself

68342: Making rude gestures to the Fedex guy

12213: Beefing up your resume

82321: Twerking (for presentations only)

38309: Decoding "mamma say mamma sa, ma-ma kusa" to white people

72133: World building

85541: Trying to escape video mode on Facebook

3 Intex Inflatable Mattresses And The Type of Handjob They Promise According To Their Package Photos

Intex is one of the finest manufacturers of premium air beds this side of the Mississippi. However, their choice of packaging photography gives a secret signal to single men: you will get a handjob if you buy this. Here now are the different types of handjob you can expect from each size airbed:

SKU: The Index Classic Downy, Queen Size

Handjob Promise: A demure blonde will give you a two-hander but avoid eye contact

SKU: The Pillow Rest Raised Airbed, Dura-Beam Standard, Queen size, 16.5 inch version

Handjob Promise: Fox News's Kimberly Guilfoyle will give you a tugger whilst filling your ears with conspiracy horseshit about liberals and Hillary Clinton. You will not be allowed to plug your ears until after release.

SKU: The Pillow Rest Raised Airbed, Dura-Beam Standard, Queen size, 16 inch version

Handjob Promise: a friendly, peppy candy striper from the hospital will cup your balls and talk to you about the weather. Then she will cry uncontrollably if you ask her about her life at home.

Available at all fine stores everywhere. And Walmart.

Dollar Bill Slot Was Upset.

 

Dollar Bill Slot was upset.

 

Bathroom Sink was surprised to hear it.

And so was Bathroom Sink's brother, Kevin.

 

Parking Lot Light was pretty angry, too.

 

IKEA Wall and White Van were an angry blue pig together.

 

Messenger Bag said nothing and kept eating.

 

Stairway Railing also shut his mouth.

 

Smoke and Carbon Monoxide Alarm, however, was very curious what everyone was so upset about.

 

Saturn Car didn't want to talk about it.

 

Train Bathroom Latch was told to shut up about it.

 

And even though Library Clock kept talking, everyone thought he was just crazy.

 

Children's Hanger tried to look on the bright side of things.

 

While Coat Sleeve insisted there was no bright side.

 

Child Seat Buckle laughed it off.

 

Emergency Light did the sturgeon face.

 

Expensive Dessert stared into space.

 

And meanwhile, Furniture Store Spool wondered about his bloody stools.

 

Wine Rack waited for everyone to shut up.

 

Ash Tray took a smoke break and waited, as well.

 

Suitcase sat there looking like an idiot.

 

(submitted by Tom Weingard)

While Backpack laughed and sat with her legs open like a slut.

Love Is...

...a no-look handjob from a pretty blonde.

Not A Great Way To Express Your Love

Pictured above, another one of my dumb Facebook friends.

Taint Nobody's Business By My Own

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