More Stupid Taglines For a Bad Movie That Was Released Years Ago 2021

Meetings.

I want you to read the next sentence and take it in like it just plum knocked your mother off her horse: Everything that ever gets done probably had a meeting.

I know, we all hate meetings. We think they're a waste of time and counterproductive blah blah blah, but we need to recognize the importance of sitting down and sussing out details before creating, launching or executing something. Anything. Meetings, for better or worse, are how we get things done.

Here now are a list of things that you never realized involved a meeting:

• The color of a Thighmaster's handles (red)

• How to effectively carve George Washington's nostrils for Mount Rushmore without killing anyone

• The Brazzers logo

• What type of rope to hang Saddam Hussein with

• Who Katy Perry should date next

• What sort of sounds a Shmoo would make

• How much bush Playboy magazine should show monthly

• The brilliant title of the sequel to "Lavalantula."

• Whether there should be yet another verse to "Hotel California" or whether Don and Joe should just play till it fades out

• Whether the Scrubbing Bubbles should have penises or not (they don't)

• The color of E.T.'s eyes (blue)

• The unfortunate release date of Damien Marley's album "Halfway Tree" (Sept. 11, 2001)

• The naming of American Cheese

• Deciding how many words Kim Carnes gets to sing in USA For Africa's "We Are The World" (two)

• Whether or not to make a black reboot of "Uncle Buck" as a TV show (yes)

Well, This Is Bullshit.

I have devoted my entire life (since I was a youngling!) as a devoted student of the Jedi Order, learning the basics of political strategy, galactic law, the sciences, and multiple languages. My training had been long and exhaustive, from my earliest training at the Jedi Academy on Coruscant to advanced Force techniques on Yavin 4, where I learned Forms I through Form VI of lightsaber combat and was quickly selected by Jedi Knight Satal Keto for one-on-one training, thus avoiding the dreaded Jedi Service Corps by the Council of Reassignment.

I had been a faithful Padawan learner under Master Satal Keto for years, honing my skills, controlling my stronger emotions and training in the ways of the Jedi on long journey-missions with him, often traveling on diplomatic missions.

Master Keto recommended me to the High Council for the Trials of Knighthood, which were very difficult but not impossible, for I had learned much about the Force and was wear the robes of a Jedi Knight. And after some time, I at long last had been knighted by the Council, among whom I was honored to be judged by none other than Master Yoda himself.

So I did achieve Knighthood, but my training did not stop there. I pursued further study as a Consular which led me to the specialized field of Seer. I finally took a Padawan of my own to pass down my wisdom, and only then did I finally gain the true rank of "Jedi Master."

And now that I am one, you mean to tell me all I get is this piece-of-shit four dollar ribbon? You fucking assholes. What a gyp.

Words of Encouragement

Pictured below, some graffiti in a stall at a bar bathroom in Brooklyn:

The EADJ Snooper!

EADJ presents some numbers and email addresses found on the street*:



*Eat A Dick Joel does not take any responsibility for whatever happens when you write or call any of these publicly-found numbers.