UAG

Today We Examine the Package for Red Jr. Table Tennis Balls

Why? Who knows? We need content, okay?

Nobody on the package is holding a ping pong paddle, so I'm pretty sure this is for beer pong. Also the fact that this was located in the chaser soft drink aisle.

Featuring Carmen Sandiego, Dorothy Gale, and a MAGA guy.

Kudos to the writer for creating 4 bullets that just repeat the text to fill out space. PowerPoint expert?

Is that Philadelphia? Flip, flip, flipadelphia!

UAG

UAG

Let's Celebrate The EADJ Mail Sack's Birthday On A Day That's Convenient For Us!

Submitted by Tom Weingard: "Nice description, Getty."

Click to enlarge and read

 

 

Too lazy to click and enlarge? Fuck it. Here it is bigger.

Still can't read that? Fuck you:

Title: Senior Couple Having Fun Sniffing Flowers

Description: A beautiful senior damsel is making believe her handsome senior prince is offering a fabulous rose. She sniffs the tiny sprout as if in a dream. But alas, this senior prince appears resigned to participating in yet another Kodak moment he'd never have believed possible. Grandma is holding the walking stick she's been using while walking together with Grandpa on a trail at the nature park. Desaturated image.

Words Of Encouragement, For Once

We at EADJ have often been known to break down egos and generally be destructive in anything we ever write or say, but we thought now would be a good time to offer words of encouragement to a random, deserving person. Today, we offer words of encouragement to the random old lady buying Victoria's Secret panties behind my wife:


Yeah, lady. Keep it up. Get those panties. Do what feels right. Don't let anyone tell you you're too old to enjoy a pair of new Very Sexy® Lace-trim Hiphuggers, which are an amazing 3 for $10. Do what you want to do! You're an adult woman– who cares what other people think? Fuck those judgmental assholes!


That's right- buy those panties for yourself! Feel confident and sexy like you should! There is no age limit to feeling fabulous and seductive! Fuck all the haters who think you're too old to enjoy a little lace under that dress. To hell with them! YOU GO, LADY! Buy those naughty undies with the word "PINK" printed on the ass! Exclamation point!

An Answer

Deer Lord

Pictured below, the sweetest jacket I've ever spotted in church:



Only now do I realize how very Christian the Jagermeister logo really is.

An Open Letter To Generations Younger And Older Than Me

Dear Generations Younger And Older Than Me:

What is your problem? All you do is sit there, complaining about the values and behavior of my generation. You say that we're out of touch with your generation's needs and desires, that we can't understand your problems because we don't simply don't care.

Hey, look. We do care, but our generation's got our own problems to deal with, like having and raising kids, keeping down a good-paying job to pay for the mortgage, and trying to find some REAL music on the radio. All you ever do is sit in your bedroom, blaring your godawful music (who listens to that?!) and whining about when dinnertime is coming.

We recognize that there's this generational divide that we'll never get over. We will never understand your stupid pop culture references and your fixation with those movie stars whose names we've never heard of, and frankly, we don't think we're missing out on much.

And what the fuck are you wearing?! Jesus, you need to get to a mall and buy some normal clothes that actually fit you. Just look at how your pants fit. You're embarrassing the rest of the family! And make yourself useful and do the goddamned laundry!

Oh. Also, we don't think you should drive.

Love,
My Generation

I've Never Hated An Object So Much In My Life.

Spotted at a Pottery Barn Kids in an upscale mall: a nonworking Dyson® vacuum that retails for $129.99. Really.


It's a Dyson, so the parents will assume it's quality because of the price and will teach their kids to be blindly faithful to brand names. And it's pink, so you know it's supposed to be for girls. Because women do all the cleaning. Well, the Mexican ones do.


If I ever won the lottery, I'd buy up all of these wretched pieces of shit and smash them under the weight of my angry balls.

The Worst of All Possible Outcomes

Spotted today at the front entrance of the Old Bridge Deli, the beloved Rolly Wrap machine is slated for removal.



Here to commemorate the passing of a beloved foodstuff, a poem by e. e. cummings, slightly altered for this entry:

i carry your rolly wrap with me


i carry your rolly wrap with me(i carry it in
my stomach)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no bread(for you are my bread,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever that guy with the mustache and dirty apron has always meant
and whatever an oven will always bake is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the menu that offers roni, cheesy, super, munch roll, or veggi

i carry your rolly wrap(i carry it in my stomach)


e. e. cummings

Let's Adjust The Wooden Wheels On the EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Joel Himself:

"Is it me, or does that look suggestive?"



• Yes
•
• No other bullets needed
• Stop
• Seriously, stop
• Come on now
• Stop it
• Unnecessary
• Not funny anymore
• Please stop it
• Okay, These bullets are kind of funny
• LOL

The EADJ Crapcade Review: 2Balls1Cup

Today we review the iPhone game 2Balls1Cup by Eyedip (iTunes link), makers of Pig Vomit, Bust Balls, and Dung Luck. I am not shitting you.

Yes, it's pretty hard not to download something named so similarly to a certain spectacular video (NSFW), especially when it's going for a mere 99¢. So download I did and started that bad boy up.



The instruction screen confirmed my suspicion that the developers were "with it" and didn't stumble upon the game title by accident:


They did, however, decide to go with a bunch of "balls" jokes instead of referencing one girl eating another girl's shit out a cup. Wise.


The in-game music was carnival-like and irritating. The animation of the cups shuffling was crude like a web banner.




I never got to Level 3, but it's safe to assume that it contains faster shitty shuffling graphics and more "balls" jokes. Still, overall, it's a far better game than Touchballs, so I'll award this game a solid D.

Taint Nobody's Business By My Own

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Old People Don't Give a Shit.

They just don't. What are you gonna do about it, whippersnapper? Were you in Korea? Have you ever sailed a skiff in the Pacific? Did you ever finger Debbie Reynolds? Cuz they have.

Goddam youth. PULL UP YER PANTS!

Bonus Points:

Three Questions For The Free Credit Report Dude

1) Please stop.

2) Why is your shit so poorly lip synched every time?

3) Why are you happily singing about your current hopeless financial situation? Why don't you and your little buddies just have a regular gig somewhere, and that can be the steady job you have to start saving money, get out of debt and slowly but surely repair your credit rating? God, I sound like my Dad.

*Bonus Question: Are you actually having a relationship with this woman?


It's okay if you are.

BONUS Dumb YouTube Comment O' The Fortnight:


From the YouTube page featuring the Free Credit Report commercial at the Renaissance Fair, a comment by renandstumpd:

"OMG I saw jesus."

A Party We Wish We Were Invited To

Filmed from outside the local VFW Lodge late Saturday night:

Christmas is Over? Already??

The real question is why are you checking EADJ so soon after Christmas? Have you already spent all the time that you can bear with your relatives and/or inlaws that you seek refuge in a shitty blog about Joel Thomas eating dick? Wouldn't you rather talk to your uncle about his lumbago or go see that "Benjamin Button" movie where Brad Pitt's balls go from hanging really low to getting sucked up into his younger abdomen? I gotta admit, I've always thought Cate Blachett was super-hot. Especially in the Lord of the Rings movies. Totally hot. She was recently featured in some crap article on the Internet listing "hot bodies with butter faces," but I find her face interesting and classic. Not like Vida Guerra, who was also on that list. Now, THAT'S a butter face. There is this chick on that X-Files ripoff show Fringe (which has turned out to be a pretty decent show) who looks like a younger Cate Blanchett. Again, very hot. I can't believe Joshua Jackson plays a badass on that show, though. Like, the mopey kid on Dawson's Creek suddenly has a dark background running illegal weapons and working for the CIA. Un-fucking-likely. And then the actor playing his Dad on the show was Denethor on Lord of the Rings! Small world, huh? What do you mean, am I avoiding my relatives now?