Some MORE Moves Based On My Wife's Samsung Stratosphere (Dong) Phone's Ringtones

Following Friday's entry, I thought Hollywood was done mining my wife's phone for new feature film ideas. I was wrong. My wife happened to scroll down and show more possible movie properties. Here are the latest treatments now being optioned at major studios:

"Fog On The Water"

starring Jessica Biel and Jessica Alba

The two Jessicas star in this throwback horror B-movie that's shot on more expensive film as two campers who inexplicably want to spend the night on a creepy, remote lake. Spoiler: no nips. Produced by Jerry Bruckheimer.

"Gentle Spring Rain"

starring Tommy Lee Jones, Helen Mirren, and Judi Dench

Three stranded travelers cross paths and change each others' lives in this heartwarming story set in Heath Row Airport. A lot of the action takes place in a Sbarro for some reason. Maybe Tommy Lee like calzones...

"Heartbeat Of The Wild"

starring Eva Green and James McAvoy

This Nicholas Sparks-inspired love story depicts what happens when a sexy conservationist (Green) goes au naturel and shows a condo developer (McAvoy) her secret unpruned garden. NSFW

"High Tide"

starring Nicolas Cage, Ving Rhames and Bokeem Woodbine

A terrorist cell tries to take over a drilling rig in the remote Atlantic at the same time a typhoon strikes. It is up to three oil drillers to kick ass, take cover, and secure the well before the volcano erupts. Wait, there's a volcano, too? Damn. Directed by Michael Bay.

"The Journey Begins"

starring the voices of Will Smith, Keanu Reeves, Steve Buscemi, Kate Beckinsale, Nick Nolte, Jon Hamm, Will Ferrell, Justin Timberlake, Beyonce, Tom Cruise, Cher, Chris O' Donnell, Alice Eve, Reese Witherspoon, Drake, Chris Hemsworth, Rick Rockwell, Sam Rockwell, Courtney Love, Johnny Depp, Arman Hammer, Jennifer Lawrence, Benedict Cumberbatch, Robert Deniro and Dennis Haysbert.

Dreamworks releases their latest star-studded animation spectacular full of lovable animals, pop cultural references that only parents will get, and zero fucking story.

"Jungle Drums"

starring Justin Long and Jay Baruchel

Two losers stumble their way into a native village that has somehow stayed untouched for centuries in the middle of Wisconsin. This madcap romp follows their misadventures trying to fit in and woo the pretty maidens, played by Amber Heard and Teresa Palmer. The "nipple piercing initiation rite" scene alone is worth the price of admission, isn't it? No?

"Jungle Trek"

starring Ving Rhames, Bokeem Woodbine and Nicolas Cage

Hollywood tries harder this time to cater to black audiences. This all-black version of Star Trek follows a black Enterprise ship as it seeks new black life, new black civilizations, and boldly go where no black man has gone before. Nicolas Cage plays Geordi.

"Midnight Picnic"

starring Melissa McCarthy

Melissa McCarthy, determined to enjoy a picnic in a public park at night, takes on a mean park ranger (played by Ty Burrell) and instead uncovers a burglary ring (led by Danny Trejo) in progress. Will she convince the park ranger of the burglars or can she stop them on her own? Rated NC-17 for foul, foul, foul language.

Upcoming Movies Based On My Wife's Samsung Stratosphere (Dong) Phone's Ringtones

In their constant search for original, unmined material to base terrible feature films on, a desperate Hollywood has previously turned to break room coffee flavors and seed names to get movie ideas. It was announced early today that Hollywood's biggest studios would be inspired by the new-agey titles of my wife's new Samsung Stratosphere (Dong) phone's ringtones.

"Mountain Temple"

starring Jim Caviezel, Jackie Chan and Judge Reinhold

Jim Caviezel stars as a lost tourist in the Himalayan Valley of Zanskar who meets a wise but mysterious guru (Chan) who teaches him how to kick and elbow punch his way into being more assertive at work. Judge Reinhold stars as the dickish boss who doesn't even see it coming.

"Nighttime Oasis"

starring Rachel Bilson and Chris Evans

This erotic NC-17 movie is a throwback to the sexy psychological thrillers of the 90's. That's all I know. Just hoping Bilson's nips get some screen time in this one. Directed by Adrian Lyne, of course.

"Over The Horizon"

starring Kristin Scott Thomas, Helena Bonham Carter and Kenneth Branagh

This very British-feeling movie follows the events of a 17th Century Duke (Branagh) and the trouble he discovers when his gardener's wheelbarrow loses a handle. Will the flowers in the East Garden be pruned in time for that evening's Spring Ball, hosted by the Duchess Kivortny (Thomas)? No.

"Rain Drops"

starring Chris Brown

Not a full-length feature film as much as a feature-length music video. Chris Brown sings and dances his heart out in a spectacular choreographed live show entirely in the rain that's reminiscent of Woodstock, Singin' In The Rain, and Honey. Also, Chris Brown is unrepentant in the vicious beating of his girlfriend Rihanna, who he recently split up with because he was cheating on her with a waitress. Directed by Alan Smithee

"Rays Of The Sun"

starring Nicole Kidman, Tila Tequila and Dustin Diamond

This WWII coming of age epic stars Dustin Diamond who is harshly scolded by his mother (Kidman) for giving a Japanese woman (Tequila) at the Manzanar relocation camp a Dirty Sanchez.

"Sea Breeze"

starring Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson

McConaughey and Hudson go at it again with their hit-making chemistry! This time, they're rival boat captains fighting over docking rights in the Virgin Islands. If you feel like you've seen this movie before, that's because most of the B-roll shots are from "Fool's Gold" and "How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days." Sea Breeze!

"Seaside"

This is just a cut down edit of "Sea Breeze" for cross country flights. United Airlines only.

"The Secret Forest"

starring Thomas Horn, Elle Fanning and Chloë Grace Moretz

This CG animated romp in an enchanted glen in a forest features a lot of 3D special effects that depict wonder, amazement and lots of flying shit. I dunno, butterflies? Sure. Whatever. Plus some deer and an owl and some fucking fairies. Sure. All characters voiced by Burt Reynolds.

Lobsterfest- You Know It, I Know It.

Editor's note: Since EADJ Lobsterfest entries have lately required the imbibing of alcohol, it was a natural next step that this one was created at a bar. David and Andrew drank at the Snickers Bar on State Street in Chicago last night, and with the help of two Stratosphere Dongs (whose ingredients are whiskey, Sprite & grenadine, remember) and the Dragon Dictation app on David's phone, they created the entries below.

Please keep in mind that the bar was very noisy and both David and Andrew were slurring by this time, so this is what the Dragon Dictation app spat out:

David: Take all the contractor and the tractor pulls great full of lobster meat across the street and then everyone comes the great and going to eat lots of crap that you get a couple dollars for it that's what terrific way to do it lobster red lobster fest at red lobster

Andrew: You're brought lobster by man wearing a long time Hawkhurst looks to be a tie for their inspection revealed Thai is entirely made of lobster Princetown encouraged Fissler the time off back by the time you get up closer than other regions of his face notice that this is actually painted white going to the that point they realize that you're actually Extrano for movie called Scalo lobster directed by David Platt straight to DVD so you can do a lobster around his neck and realize that you actually been giving pickiest Mashit lobsterman's with shallots

David: So I just found a way to reduce and make lobster meat microscopic to the point that you could create several gunships out of lobster meat ticket event this silicon chips of lobster meat into an electronics from there the computing can get only faster transistor radios iPods even leaving CB radios are made faster by this new technology the government tries to seal the button away from you but instead you turn all rights over to your local red lobster where they make the profit to pay you maybe 2% of it now that's one way to enjoy lobster at red lobster lobster fest y'all

Andrew: So we all know the way that hipsters like door at red lobster in on the fun counteroffer lobster Holdaway
Meeting shape Pat Hanna lobster with manly read and think that looking where to show their support for websurfer love you up for the unfortunate thing about the other non-thought out plan of this idea is that number one the bees invidious number two there assembled and I red lobster restaurants with overworked employees already have to much to do lobster at the lobster Deanza Furla to get Steerhead Isabel Chopperhead resulting in really

David: You play chess with his 12-year-old it's well-built beat you 20 times out of 50 was me that you would most the time so you Salabay Viene lobster invited 12-year-old to come join you at the restaurant but disease too young to drink you get drunk as he flops are watching it totally wasted one way to joy Lochshire Ludloff Sarala Mellotts about


Analysis: It seems that the beginning of each entry makes sense but quickly devolves into gibberish, either because of David and Andrew's rambling or because the Dragon Dictation app starts breaking down in a noisy environment.

Possibly the most remarkable but unintentional finds:
Deanza Furla
shallots
Steerhead Isabel Chopperhead
Pat Hanna

Feel free to use any of these as iPod playlists or vanity plates!

EADJ ALTERNATE UNIVERSE: What If Andrew Gall Had Never Met Megan?

The following is an entry by the Andrew Gall from parallel universe #68456E, wherein he never meets his fiancée Megan M in Chicago:

Hi guys! It's me, Andrew. I guess a lot of you have been wondering what I've been up to lately since we all worked together at CK. Well, since getting laid off that place after we lost the Kia account, I had been keeping myself busy by working at That's Our Bag, working the register, restocking the window, stuff like that.

On weeknights, I've been pretty social– a group of cool guys I know from the gym have formed a World of Warcraft guild, and we call ourselves "OMG Crew," you know, like "Oh My God" crew? LOL! (that means "Laugh Out Loud")



Work-wise, I've been doing pretty well. The Manager Monica lets me sell on the floor now instead of merely answering the phone or restocking the back. But that also means I have to dress in khakis instead of shorts. A worthy tradeoff for a .10 per hour raise!


Speaking of money, I've been saving up for a Playstation 3 for some time now. I've already bought a controller and some game called "DragonForce," which I hear is pretty great in battle mode. My neighbor Keith has promised to let me borrow his blue ray Jenna Jameson porn so I can watch some on the DVD player. Maybe in a few months!

My Favorite Photo From Vegas.

(pictured above, Joel interviews a Stratosphere Dong in a Stratosphere Tower container at the top of the Stratosphere Casino Tower)

A nice sit-down with Alexander Duckworth

EADJ was fortunate to meet and interview Alexander Duckworth, Joel's longtime agent and friend.

We met him poolside at the beautiful Roosevelt Hotel in Hollywood. In a crisp Hugo Boss seersucker suit and sunglasses, Alexander was confident and pleasant. He answered our questions as he sipped an extra dirty martini with blue cheese filled olives.

EADJ: So thank you for showing up this time, pisshead.

AD: My pleasure.

EADJ: What the fuck is wrong with you? Why do you still represent Joel, that asshole?

AD: Joel has an amazing energy and creative focus that I don't see in a lot of talent in this town. I've stayed his agent because I believe he can reach the stratosphere.

EADJ: Dong!

AD: What?

EADJ: Nothing.

AD: (silence)

EADJ: You're such a cocksucker. Why are you such a fucking pussy cunt dickhead?

AD: I'm in this business because I love the creative process of filmmaking. I want to help bring the best out of people and help them put their dreams on screen.

EADJ: Eat my asshole, you tard fuck. You sicken me.

AD: Thanks for having me.

(pictured above, my cabbie this morning really, really doesn't care)