The ProofrEADJer: Second Week of September Edition

This plumbing company also decorates donuts.

And yes, I'm an asshole for including this, but a typo's a typo.

More InfoWars Conspiracy Theories In The Works

The angry bird Alex Jones is a prolific shit-sprinkler of hate serves up unintelligible theories on the daily. But his talented stable of writers still have to stay ahead of the curve and have some rambling points created a day or two in advance of broadcast. Here are some of the "news stories" they're still working on:

• Anyone who officiates a lesbian wedding at any time receives a "hail Satan" t-shirt and an Indigo Girls CD box set.

• California have created small voting booths to place between the legs of illegal immigrant mothers giving birth so that when the baby is born, he can vote Democratic.

• Every photo posted on Imgur has an embedded invisible watermark that reads "BIDEN 2020".

• The Great Pacific garbage patch is actually an ISIS submarine covered in Kenyan birth certificates.

• The 2018 Mazda CX-3 crossover is a conspiracy of styling, engineering and practicality! (Sponsored by Mazda USA)

• Most women's nipples have a webcam used to blackmail radio show hosts into paying for their beauty school tuition.

• The inventor of Spanx is a democrat. Therefore, wearing Spanx will cause you to have an abortion.

An Imagined Conversation

"I still think there's somebody prowling in our yard, honey. You did call the police, right?"

"The police? No."

"Why not?! I thought you said you called the authorities."

"No, I said I called El Toro-Tees. They're on their way with collectible ceramic plates, NYPD souvenir T-shirts and small statues of the Freedom Tower."

"Oh thank Jesus!"

UAG

UAG

UAG

I Promise Not Every Entry Will Be About Babies From Now On, But Allow Me This One

Now, since having the baby a few weeks ago, the nursery has been filled with Bumbos, Boppies, Nuks, and other baby equipment you've never heard of. But there's one item that still kind of baffles the shit out of me. This hanging diaper holder.


What the cock? It holds your diapers and hangs on a closet doorknob out of your way, because apparently diapers stacked on a dresser is unsightly? Or are diapers considered "clothing," and that's why it holds them there? What if your changing table isn't near the closet or a doorknob? Fuck, Jamal.


Is it easy? Not really. Because you have to open it like a vagina to grab a diaper and pull it out sideways, and I KNOW you are sick of having just done that action. Also, if the thing is filled with too many diapers, you can't grab any of them easily. It's a design student project which I would grade a solid D. Somebody saw an adult's garment bag and decided to make a small inconvenient girlie one that holds shitbags.


Oh, and the white frilly ruffles. Fuck them, too. What an embarrassment.

Jerald and Why He Prevails.

Sometime last week we had mentioned receiving a message from Jerald via the WAYN (now pronounced way in) website. And in order for Jerald to send me a message, he had to have seen my profile photo:


But rather than get snippy or huffy about the photo, he sent a LOL, a :), and a "Dooooooode that's a funny photo man!" He then proceeded to make plans for our next outing next month which will include playing pool and foosball. Motherfucking class act. He really is "the Man."

Stay tuned for our next awesome EADJ/Jerald outing in August!

Bilbo Baggage

In every airport baggage claim area, I've noticed there's always one weird, plaid-patterned plastic bag that gets dumped out on the carousel. What the fuck?


What's in that stupid thing? Food? Laundry? Shitty electronics?


I don't even know where to buy one of those bags. Dollar stores? Talbots? (Yeah, Talbot's stores, that's a burn.) Still, the people who travel with those things fascinate me.


Now what's in the bucket? Hey! You with that stupid bag, come back! Aww man, this is the worst EADJ entry ever!

It's a Long Way to the Joel (If You Wanna Eat a Dick)

This EADJ Guest Writer Week has sort of fallen to shit, so we're going to just bag it for now. Maybe a guest entry from Joel sometime. That would be funny. A whole entry talking about how much he eats dick, by HIMSELF. So meta!

Today Joel had his regular regimen of bran cereal and dick to get started in the morning, then a sensible lunch of dick with lime and pesto. Tonight he will be going to Dicko Bell to scarf a Gordicka Crunch and a Seven Layer Burdicko. Then he's going to The Loews Dickaplex Odeon to watch "Ten Dicks I Ate About You" and "Alpha Dick" starring Jusdick Dickerlake.

(pictured above, a Canon technician wonders what's a five-letter word for "Sculptor's subject.")