Let's Say Goodbye To A Bunch of Advertising Stuff!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

Gallery Review of Two Unknown Paintings at the Jiffy Lube Waiting Area in Vauxhall, New Jersey

While awaiting the oil change for a Honda Odyssey minivan, I happened upon two companion works of art displayed above the empty "free coffee" area of the room. Now, initially it seems counterintuitive to display such pieces in a corner of the room, seeing how much white space there is under the TV, but upon closer inspection, it seems to be the most ideal place to feature these striking pieces.

"Untitled 1"

Nestled in the corner—almost flush in the crease—is the first untitled piece. Evoking the balance and organic geometry of Paul Klee or Rothko, this composition commands the limited space it inhabits with its grounded white, offset by the muted blues and black. The olive shape at the left almost is almost bestial, suggesting a bear on its hind legs.

"Untitled 2"

Playing with the same general whites and blues as its companion, this piece lands in a similar but ultimately different place: the sturdy whites still dominate the canvas but are sharper in their definition and at the same time are more translucent when overlapping the darker colors. The smudge of pink at the top center reminds us the same value was present but possibly ignored or overlooked in "Untitled 1". The blues and darker tones have become more dominant here, providing a solid foothold at the top and bottom to contain the white. It invokes a night sky that soothes and comforts... oh wait. They just said my car is ready. Gotta go!

UAG

Does That Make Me Pathmark? Does That Make Me Pathmark? Does That Make Me Pathmark? Possibly

At Last: A Transcript of What The People In The NJ Transit Survey Photo Are Saying

Having exhausted (almost) every angle with regards to this enigmatic photo, we at EADJ have finally ponied up some cash to pay some professional lip readers to tell what these six people were actually saying during the photoshoot. Below are their findings:

JESSE: "He's either just smiling or saying a very solid 'S' sound. Maybe he's saying 'Sssorry for looking down your shirt?'"

JESS: "She is a puzzle. Her hands are moving, implying that she's in the middle of expressing something, but her mouth seems locked in a smile. Perhaps she's also using an 'S' sound, as in 'Megan Trainor ssssuckssssss.'"

ANGIE: "I feel like her lips and teeth are indicating a hard 'D' sound, like 'Donkey punches never really happen, do they?'"

TRINA: "Oh, this one's easy (and so is Trina!). She is clearly saying an 'ooo' sound, as in 'Whooo wants a piece of this action?'" I know I'm not supposed to judge in my profession, but that is disgraceful."

DON WITH THE THUMBS: "Since I cannot even see his mouth, I'm just going to assume he is saying, 'JEB BUSH IN 2016!' Yeah, that looks like it."

SIMON PETER: "Oh, I don't care much for him. Look at that slack pussy piehole of his. He's probably not saying anything interesting. Probably something like, 'You should really check out my Pinterest- it's full of great lifehack ideas.' Jesus, SPARE ME."

Thanks, Action Movie iPhone App

You've made waiting at the Jiffy Lube marginally more enjoyable.

A Happy Mother's Day Greeting From Cement Bird

Cement Bird, as some of you might remember, can only communicate through shitty FWD emails.

 

 

I did not check the accuracy of this posting. It is however worth knowing.

IMPORTANT INFORMATION

Three women in North Florida turned up at hospitals over a 5-day period, all with the same symptoms. Fever, chills, and vomiting, followed by muscular collapse, paralysis and finally, death.

There were no outward signs of trauma.

Autopsy results showed toxicity in the blood. These women did not know each other and seemed to have nothing in common. It was discovered, however, that they had all visited the same Restaurant (Olive Garden) within days of their deaths. The Health Department descended on the restaurant , shutting it down. The food, water, and air conditioning were all inspected and tested, to no avail..

The big break came when a waitress at the restaurant was rushed to the hospital with similar symptoms. She told doctors that she had been on vacation, and had only went to the restaurant to pick up her check.

She did not eat or drink while she was there, but had used the restroom.

That is when one toxicologist, remembering an article he had read, drove out to the restaurant, went into the restroom and lifted the toilet seat .

Under the seat, out of normal view , was a small spider. The spider was captured and brought back to the lab, where it was determined to be the Two-Striped Telamonia (Telamonia dimidiata), so named because of its reddened flesh color. This spider's venom is extremely toxic, but can take several days to take effect. They live in cold, dark, damp climates, and toilet rims provide just the right atmosphere.

Several days later a lawyer from Jacksonville showed up at a hospital emergency room.Before his death, he told the doctor, that he had been away on business, had taken a flight from Indonesia , changing planes in Singapore , before returning home.He did NOT visit (Olive Garden), while there. He did (as did all of the other victims) have what was determined to be a puncture wound, on his right buttock. Investigators discovered that the flight he was on had originated in India .

The Civilian Aeronautics Board (CAB) ordered an immediate inspection of the toilets of all flights from India and discovered the Two-Striped Telamonia (Telamonia dimidiata)spider's nests on 4 different planes!

It is now believed that these spiders can be any where in the world .

So please, before you use a public toilet, lift the seat to check for spiders.
It can save your life!

Please pass this on to everyone you care about.

Another Joel Angel Update

In case any of you were wondering where Joel's video of doing Criss Angel magic tricks is, Joel has assured us that he's working on it.

It turns out that Joel has recently come into possession of a full carwash with his wife. So they have been busy on the up-keep, maintenance and general operation of the carwash. Those of you who watch the excellent show "Breaking Bad" might suspect that Joel is secretly selling meth.

As a token of good faith, Joel has sent us this magic trick "teaser:"



I do believe Joel might have gotten run over by a car after filming this.