A Retail Display

Question: How can you tell if it's working if you're riding around in a convertible?

The Answers To Yesterday's "Which Can, Erickson?"

Did you get them all right? Who cares?

Procedures and Treatments NOW Approved By Your Health Insurance!

Historically, the country's major healthcare insurance providers have been very restrictive of the types of treatments they'll pay for, from adult dental services to infertility treatments to long-term care for seniors.

But in a recent progressive move, the nation's major health insurance companies have all agreed to expand their coverage. Here is a short list of the medical services they will now pay for:

• Sprained wrist from writing checks to them

• the "vapors"

• offsite gynecological exams

• stumpism

• Kohl's Disease

• Affluenza

• Any leg or foot therapy from lobbying in Washington for any legislation to favor major healthcare providers

• The Alabama Shakes

• kink shame

UAG

One, Two, Um, Buckle My, Um, Racist Appliances

Many Questions

1) What's a vaginal mesh?
2) What's a mesh sling device?
3) Why would I need a mesh sling device?
4) Why would a mesh sling device cause me to suffer?
5) Are those a dude's hands?
6) Why is that dude gripping his belly?
7) Does a vaginal mesh sling device extend all the way to a male's belly?
8) If one's mesh sling device did cause suffering, wouldn't most people be too embarrassed to sue?
9) On top of the embarrassment, how embarrassing would it be to try to qualify for compensation and get denied?
10) Wouldn't going through life without a mesh sling device be better than having one fail on you and then get denied compensation from some shady-ass online company?
11)

Ask Dr. Fish

Dear Dr. Fish,

Sometimes when I am doing yoga (especially coming out of the plow pose), my body suddenly passes air out of my vagina making a fart-like sound. It’s embarrassing when in a room full of other people! I tried keeping my pelvic muscles tight (because this has happened before, though luckily it was in my living room) when lowering my legs down in an attempt to stop this from happening, but no luck. Do you have any suggestions, is something wrong with my insides, and does this happen to other people?

Thank you for your help!
Sue Pine in Scoville

-----

Dear Sue,

Uh, I'm not sure how to answer this question. First of all, I am a fish, so that means I know nothing about yoga. And secondly, this question isn't exactly medical related, which is good, because I'm not really a licensed physician, so I wouldn't have been able to answer any question of that nature, either.

Hope this helped!
Dr. Fish

-----

Dear Dr. Fish,

I suffer from recurring vaginal yeast infections. My doctor gave me an oral antiyeast medicine for it and a cream to apply. In addition, he gave me something to stop the itching. It seemed worse after the treatment, so the doctor gave me five more days of the oral medicine. What would you suggest if it comes back again? Could it be something I am eating or taking?

Thanks in advance,
N.F. in Scoville

-----

Dear N.F. in Scoville,

I would definitely bring it up with your current doctor, mainly because I am not a real doctor. I am actually just a fish in a doctor's outfit. And by the way, if I had a vagina and it itched that much, I would follow those prescriptions to a motherfucking T.

Cheers,
Dr. Fish

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Yo, Dr. Fish,

Did you know "vagina" is a Latin word meaning "a sheath or scabbard?" A scabbard into which one might slide and sheath a sword, wink wink. But the sword need not be a penis; our vaginas were sheaths of power and worth celebrating! Here's to vagina power!

Margaret Cho (not the comedienne) in Scoville

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Dear Margaret,

What the fuck is going on here, people?! Why are all these questions about vaginas?! And that last one wasn't even a question. Is this some juvenile crack at how vaginas smell like fish or something, because I do NOT appreciate it. I am here to answer legitimate questions about medical problems, although I am not a medical doctor and am in fact just a humble fish. Also, what the sam shit is up with all of you coming from Scoville? Where is that?

Jesus Christ.
Dr. Fish

Bathroom Maniac

Spotted in the Barnes and Noble (yes, they're still around) in Elizabeth, NJ, someone snuck some unpaid Legos into a bathroom stall and went to town:



Whee!





Wow, it's been a long time, Pewter Bear. And you've arrived just in time to be the voice of reason...no, wait. Scratch that. Not the voice of reason- the voice of bitchy-ass contrary pussy shit. Christ, did anybody ASK your opinion? Because we sure the fuck didn't. There aren't enough fucking fists in the world that could pound your miserable face enough. Do you understand how much we hate you yet?


Oh, you haven't SEEN hostile yet, bitch. Stay right here, let me get my gun...

AWESOME YouTube Comment O' the Fortnight

From the YouTube page for the song named "Yatta!" a great comment by 23-year old AtheistAssassin13:

"God, this song kicks your mother's ass and forces your family to watch. That's how awesome it is."

EADJ ProofrEADJer, September Edition

And in addition to misspelling 2 movie titles, someone actually spelled "inglorious" correctly, which makes it double-wrong.

A Response.

Dear Eat A Dick Joel Enterprises,

It has come to our attention that your blog's writer(s?) disapprove(s?) of vagina-shaped logos, saying they're ill-suited for representing one's business. We could disagree more. There is nothing wrong with the yonic shape of the female genitalia. After all, we were all birthed from one. Or in the case of us who were born Caesarian, we were conceived through one. Or in the case of us who were fertilized in vitro AND were born Caesarian, uh, never mind that group. Those are fucking freakjobs.


Anyhoo, we at Kayak.com would just like to defend our logo against your snide remarks. Although our logo is obviously based on a kayak shape with a nice visual pun of an eye to reinforce our search capabilities, the fact that it happens to resemble a woo-woo does not detract from its beauty or relevance. Hell, all of us could use a little poontang when traveling, am I right, fellas? LOL!


But seriously, the sexual repression that graphic design has been under is starting to erode. Women are being prouder of their genitals than ever. The yonic shape is starting to be a popular element not only in design but in pop culture as well. Just look at David Cook's new album cover:


In summary, blah blah blah blah pussy logo good blah blah lazy blah blah,

Sincerely,
Henry Paulson,
President of Kayak.com and United States Treasury Secretary

How Not To Design a Logo

DON'T make your logo mark in the shape of a vaj.


And if you must design your logo to be shaped like a vaj, DON'T chose the wrong color. Worse yet, DON'T highlight the letters of your name to spell out the name of that color inside the canoe shape. Freda.

A new beginning for Joel.

2007 promises to bring new hope and dick to Joel. He has resolved to make a new start and has already quit his job as a CompUSA greeter. He will now devote more time to writing screenplays for Tatum O' Neal's new series "Wicked Wicked Games." To show their faith in the project, the studio MyNetworkTV has even purchased an additional one episodes! Way to go, dick eater!


Joel has also reportedly lost more weight. He is now a healthy 130 lbs, although his liver only works intermittently now. Atkins-tastic!

(pictured at the top: kitchen renovations on 24 force a Trekkie –Trekker, whatever– to forlornly stroke his Tribble mouse cover)