Dog Park Missed Connections

The following Missed Connections were posted by dogs that visited the Bucks County Core Creek Dog Park in Langhorne, PA:

You: The Russian Toy with the limp

Me: The smooth talking Dachshund

Hey gorgeous. We're the same height. Wanna go get coffee sometime?

You: The distinguished Cane Corso

Me: The miniature Schnauzer in the REI harness

You seemed distracted and nervous. Are you a rescue? Me too!

You: The Shi Tzu in the fur coat

Me: The Beagle/Retriever mix with the hazel eyes

We had simulated sex over by the ramp. Wanna do it for real next time? I'm fixed!

You: The oh-so-elegant Greyhound/Pointer mix

Me: The wheezing Pug

I couldn't catch you because your legs are so long and I'm a furry paperweight. But I felt we had a connection!

More Mall Kiosks And What Their Attendants Are Probably Thinking

Annabel at the Girl Scout Cookie kiosk in the Woodfield Mall in Schaumburg, IL

• Fuck, I think I tore my ACL.

• My daughter better appreciate that I'm selling these for her.

Devin at the iRepair Expert kiosk in Pacific Place in Seattle, WA

• I'll need to sell 300 more phone cases to make rent this month.

• I bet I could pee my pants and no one would notice.

Hamza at the Soccer International kiosk in The Mall at Millenia in Orlando, FL

• If someone stabbed me in the chest with a CapriSun straw, could they drink my blood?

• I know all the words to Aerosmith's "Walk This Way". I wish someone would ask me to recite it all.

Tina at the TOYZ kiosk in the Russellville City Mall at Millenia in Russellville, AR

• This "Dune 2" movie is terrific.

• Wait, how many hours have I been away from the kiosk?

Dante at the Detroit Fragrance Company kiosk in the Grand Teton Mall at Millenia in Idaho Falls, ID

• My roommate better have folded the common area futon by the time I get home.

• I could take pretty much any man in this mall.

Some More Mall Kiosks And What Their Attendants Are Probably Thinking

Lou at the Flying Zone kiosk in the Valley Fair Mall in West Valley City, UT

• All this radiation is probably bad for my health

• Is that baby trying to shoplift a drone?

• I wonder if that clerk in Qdoba fucks like a beast

Kara at the Flying Zone kiosk in the Valley Fair Mall in West Valley City, UT

• These shoes are pretty good, but my dogs are still barking

• I wonder if this counts as flight time for pilots

• That last episode of Westworld didn't make any sense

Kara at the T-Mobile kiosk in the Kittery Outlet Mall in Kittery, ME

• I bet I could karate chop this table in half in one try

• That guy has a nice ass

• How do I tell my brother about the dent in the PT Cruiser?

Roger at the Straight Ahead kiosk in the Cascade Mall in Burlington, WA

• This job is crimping my style, ha ha

• How do we know that Thanos killed only half of humanity? Could he be lying?

• Lobster rolls are pretty gross when you think about it

Douglas at the Premier Cosmetics kiosk in the Potomac Mills Mall in Woodbridge, VA

• All this stuff is so worthless, I bet I could go to a third matinee today and people still wouldn't swipe anything

• That punching game at the carnival is totally rigged. I'm way stronger than that.

• I bet I could go home for the night and nobody would swipe anything from the kiosk

Tanya at the Hickory Farms kiosk in the North Shore Square Mall in Slidell, LA

• Even though it's well-ventilated, I go home reeking of sausage like a punk

• Nobody buys this shit in the summer. It's all gross when it's hot.

• I bet some frosted tips would look pretty sweet on me

Yet Even More Mall Kiosks And What Their Attendants Are Probably Thinking

The following is what Mable at the Clock Faeces kiosk in Put-In-Bay, Ohio was thinking about:

• What time is it, really?

• Does anybody really know what time it is?

• Why did I just make a fucking old Chicago reference?

The following is what Terence at the Toy Orgasm kiosk in Jasper, Arkansas was thinking about:

• Where is my weed guy? He should be here.

• They were only referred to as "Sandpeople" in the movie, so why are they also called "Tusken Raiders?"

• "Tylenol" spelled backwards is "Lonely T." Whoa.

The following is what Chandra at the Smell Like You Mean It kiosk in Mount Dora, Florida was thinking about:

• Is it an STD if your poop burns, too?

• Why do old rich people assume I'm the goddamned concierge around here?

• I love bowling.

The following is what Hakim at the Plush It Real Good kiosk in La Conner, Washington was thinking about:

• It disheartens me that the reviews for the Dora the Explorer Live Show aren't very positive.

• I bet Mike Pence wears old fashioned matching pajamas, complete with a sleeping cap.

• Why does my butt crack look like Boba Fett?

The following is what Rex at the Currency Exchange kiosk in Greer, South Carolina was thinking about:

• I like to split open ravioli and eat it out like a small pussy.

• Why were the Thundercats's arch enemies mummies? Shouldn't they have been dogs?

• This mustache is hiding my herpes like a charm.

The following is what Gregg at the Perfumerie kiosk in Smyrna, Delaware was thinking about:

• Will Smith's son is faking it, isn't he?

• Would Loretta Lynn's career have been as successful if she had been born an insurance adjuster's daughter?

• When will that boomerang ever come back?

The following is what Keith at the Screen Savers kiosk in Kirkwood, Missouri was thinking about:

• I bet if this scab gets big enough, I could fling it like a frisbee.

• I regret sleeping with the babysitter. Especially since it was MY MOM.

• They need to make alcoholic Capri-Suns.

The following is what Walter at the Legging For Mercy kiosk in Hodgenville, Kentucky was thinking about:

• How come no customers ask ME to model these damn leggings?

• This erection has lasted about 2 hours. Do I call a doctor now or wait another hour?

• Man, whenever Raven Symone starts talking on "The View," I have to change the channel.

The following is what Frieda at the Inflated Sense of Worth kiosk in Leiper's Fork, Kentucky was thinking about:

• Barney Rubble is pretty sexy.

• I wonder why the sight of my husband's smile makes me want to murder him dead?

• I bet I could take on Kimbo Slice, even in his prime.

The following is what Dennis at the Faux Diamonds Are Faux Ever kiosk in Natick, Massachusetts was thinking about:

• If you died on a blimp, would you soul rise through the balloon part or go around it?

• Those red buzzers on "Family Feud" are probably filthy.

• Holy shit, I'm gay! I should totally divorce Chelsea tomorrow.

UAG

The EADJ Pun Cops: Paul Blart Edition

(Directed by Steve Carr)

Hey folks. Paul Blart, Mall Cop here. Just patrolling and canvassing the Burlington Mall from the Orange Julius to the JC Penney, making sure your retail experience is safe and drug-free.

What's that?! I hear a commotion over by Perfumania! To the Segway!

 

"Better latte than never." Well, that's not really a C48 violation, per se. More like just lazy writing- latte doesn't even rhyme with late. I'm letting them off with a stern warning…OUCH! I just stubbed my toe on this planter! Now my pants fell down!

Wait! I spot something over at the daycare center across the street!

Awww. "O-'fish'-ally." The quotes around the word "fish" really make this a darling, acceptable pun. And just look at the terrific colors on that display! I can't get mad at this… OWWWW! I just walked into a streetlamp! Now my pants fell down and I lost my gun!

Oh, look. Something over at the supermarket next door. Better investigate.

"Instore?" Is that even a pun? That's not even a real word! Stop & Shop needs to hire a proofreader. Either that or start hiring people with high school diplomas… GAAAHHHH! I just walked into a steak knife display, and now my intestines are pouring out, and my pants fell down! Hoo boy!

Onward.

Now THIS is a bad pun! Yes, finally! Uber, you are in clear violation of Mall Code 34.7. This is a terrible pun! I'm going to enjoy hauling you to the Mall Police Headqu… AAAAAHHHHH! I just slipped on a puddle of ice cream and landed head-first between an 80-year-old woman's boobs! And she's lactating! AAAAAAHHHHH! My pants fell down!

Sir, excuse me, sir? Do you mind coming with me? Where are you from? Appleton, Wisconsin? That's Green Bay Packer country, right? Well, that might explain your AWFUL SHIRT with a deplorable pun and an old reference from "The Office." Very fresh. I'm going to have to ask you to leave the ma…GAAAHHHHH! I just stepped into a vat of hot chili! Now I've scalded my legs up to my thigh, and my pants somehow fell down OUTSIDE of the vat of hot chili! Who put this vat of chili by the fountain, anyway? So unsafe.

Oh man. I think I'm going to hyperventilate. This is such an amazingly bad pun. Can't breathe. I'm going to have to lie down next to the edge of this railing hanging over the fireworks kiosk. That feels better. I can just lie here for a couple of minutes and… WHOOAAAAAAAAAHHH IIIIII'MMMMM FAAAAAALLLLLLIIIINNNGGGGG!!!!!!!

(Directed by Steve Carr)

Yet Another Brief Status Of What Mall Kiosk Attendants Are Doing

The following is an accurate account of what Chelsea, attendant at the "Hair Styler" kiosk in the Newbury Mall in Carlton, DE did while working on April 20, 2013:

 

 

• giggled while thinking about Michelle Obama's hairdo before the bangs

• gave two lost shoppers directions to the public restrooms

• fantasized about actor Bruce Greenwood again

• tried to use the word "y'all" in a sales pitch- to disastrous effect

The following is an accurate account of what Todd, attendant at the Radio Kontrol Fantasies kiosk in Jembry Mall in Jembry, AK did while working on April 26, 2013:

 

 • texted Elmer about the tooth

• left a voicemail with Elmer, asking about the tooth

• sent Elmer an email with the subject line "re: the tooth?????"

The following is an accurate account of what Monica S, attendant at the "Braid That Shit" kiosk in the Yancey Mall in Willowville, MD did while working on the afternoon of April 27, 2013:
 

 

• counted the hours till she could masturbate again

• made a mental note to get party hats

• gave the finger to little children when their parents weren't looking

• sneaked a few Corn Pops from her drawer

The following is an accurate account of what Dominic, attendant at the "Super Cell" kiosk in Annapolis Mall in Annapolis, MD did while working on April 30, 2013:

 

 

• counted that goddamn money like it was his

• fanned himself with $400 like he was a playa

• wondered what Nicole would say if she could see him now

• tried to hide his erection from passers by

The following is an accurate account of what Chelsea, attendant at the "La Parfumerie" kiosk in the Trenton Shopping Center in Dovetail, MS did while working on May 3, 2013:

 

• OH SHIT WAS I SUPPOSED TO WORK TODAY

 

The following is an accurate account of what Kaitlyn, attendant at the "Drive and Talk" kiosk in the Massé Shopping Mall in Los Elenas, CA did while working on May 7, 2013:

 

• picked her ass out of her thong

• smelled her fingers after picking the thong out of her ass

• searched for Purel

The following is an accurate account of what Mathilde and Céline, attendantes at the "Candie Hoo Hoo" kiosk in the Waisyll Mall in Quebec, Canada did while working on May 13, 2013: 

 

• called their universal healthcare provider to make sure their information was up to date

• resumed that eternal debate about milk chocolate versus dark chocolate

• discussed Lumiere from "Beauty and the Beast"

• compared/adjusted their bras

• conjugated irregular verbs for the hell of it

The following is an accurate account of what Dark Raven, attendant at the unnamed iPhone case kiosk in the Maxie's Shopping Center in Milwaukee, WI did while working on May 21, 2013:  

 

• wrote more bad goth poetry

• conjured a malignancy curse against her parents and that new asshole substitute teacher

• beat her score on Subway Surfers

• planned her suicide on the new Wunderlist app

The following is an accurate account of what Gilhük, attendant at the Centrum+ Zdravi kiosk in the Gukksenschaverhaalmaart in Dresden, Germany did while working on May 25, 2013: 

 

• tillhöpped the fluggenschiedder

• Îngenhappfed the übersvekkenungenst

• åchfreigged her Brachenschioostentrakenskrågger

The following is an accurate account of what Misti and Kristi, attendants at the "Baked Kindness" kiosk in the Mall of Southern Maine in Bangor, ME will do while working on May 29, 2013: 

 

• bitch about not getting to sit on stools

• make lame jokes with the word "bundt"

• vomit at separate times, although neither of them is bulimic

• pretend to be besties even though they hate each other

• discuss pets and the need for them

• play that game that guys play where you make the other person look at the ring you made with your fingers and then fuck their boyfriend when they're out of town... that's how the game goes, right?

Cheryl Can't Find It

"Well, goshdarnit, where is that thing? I just put it in here before leaving the parking lot. I distinctly remember placing it in one of these side pockets before putting on my gloves in the car. Shoot. My keys don't belong there- I must have slipped them right in the bag instead of in my coat pocket.

"Oh, my coat pocket. Let me check there... Nope. A parking pass (gotta remember to get that validated) and a Walgreen's receipt. I know I put it in here somewhere. Jeez, I have to clean some of this stuff out that I've been lugging around for no reason. No wonder my shoulder hurts so much during yoga.

"No. Nope. No. Altoids Smalls... Sarah Brightman CD... No. 

"Oh, for the love of Mike, where the sam hill is that thing? Shoot. Gary totally got it right when he said, 'Cheryl, if your head weren't bolted to your neck, you'd lose that, too.' He so knows me. But I know I've got it in here somewhere.

"Wait. There's where I left my Nature Valley Bar. Mmmm. The cinnamon ones are my favorite!

"Wow. A ticket stub to Dragon Heart?! How old is that?! Lordy.

"What are you looking at?! I'm trying to find something in my purse. Mind your own business, lady. So nosy.

"I really should get a smaller bag. Or organize the pockets in this one. A nail file, great. A phone charger for a Palm Pre. I don't even own that anymore... No...

"BINGO! FOUND IT! Coupon for $5.00 off any regular size pizza at Pizza Hut! I knew I had it here! Win!"

Another Brief Status Of What Mall Kiosk Attendants Are Doing

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