My Bad.

As a kid, I had always assumed the traffic light in Mr. Rogers's house was stolen.

UAG

Spotted at Stop and Shop

Wait a minute. You mean to tell me the Manning brothers were professional football players and NOT professional models? But they're so photogenic!

The ProofrEADJer: August Edition

UAG

The Consumer Electronics Show 2018: What To Expect

The Consumer Technology Association's Consumer Electronics Show, or CES, is coming soon, and it promises to showcase some astonishing and advanced technology for consumers. Here are a few scheduled exhibitors:

• Waffle House will introduce WAPP, the smartphone app that helps you shit your drunken pants at 3am.

• Verizon's Erin McPherson, Head of Content Strategy, Acquisition & Programming will hand out her business cards and will be happy to interview if you're hiring

• Boston Dynamics will release all of their robotic dogs to slaughter and maim the entire showroom audience

• NASA will be selling ironic "Space Force, My Ass" t-shirts

• Kikkoman Soy Sauce will fly special "soy sauce drones" to surgically drop soy sauce wherever someone might need some

• The inventor of the IBM ThinkPad will spend 3 hours trying to set up the projector for a retrospective presentation, with a special tribute to the TrackPoint keyboard nub/pointer

• Apple will have a speaker but will ultimately not reveal anything new. Just like they've been doing for the past 7 years.

• BB-8 will be rolling around the convention floor to annoy everyone and get the Star Wars fan base all riled up again

• A lucky guest will be invited to go backstage to see how puppeteers make all the electronics appear to work

Some Unfortunate Things You Could Be Wearing While Having Road Rage

If you're going to be behind the wheel and suddenly flip the fuck out over something that happened on the road, here are some items of clothing we hope you don't happen to be wearing at the time:

• "Jesus Loves You" t-shirt
• ball gag
• screen-accurate Scarlett O'Hara cosplay
• your Taco Bell uniform
• "Ask me about refinancing your home today!" button
• a condom (while you're inside your wife)
• diabetes socks and Crocs
• papal vestments
• Paypal vestments
• "Miss Peru" pageant sash
• your Kennedy Honors Award Ribbons
• the macaw on your shoulder who repeats everything you say
• tar and feathers
• the look of love
• your dashing Mariachi band outfit, complete with rhinestoned sombrero, rhinestoned guitar and rhinestoned saddle for your burro (who is being towed in the trailer behind you)
• a name tag that says "Stan Lee," because you're Stan Lee

You Can't Buy Taste.

I'm an avid SCRABBLE player on my phone. And not too long ago I got an alert that the "Avalon Luxury Kit," brought to you by the Toyota Avalon, was now available in the SCRABBLE store.

"Want to play in style?" Do I want to play a classic board game as if I were a trillionaire? And it's FREE FOR THREE MONTHS? I was curious to see how the 1% plays SCRABBLE differently than the rest of us plebes. So I installed it.

What the Rick Rockwell fart? It looks like someone replaced regular SCRABBLE tiles with chrome lettering hacked off a Ford Focus. And why are all the letters so horizontal? It looks like they're trying to luxuriously take a dump on the board. Which they should because it's a boring gray now with a horsey Toyota badge across the entire board.

I obviously turned that hideous shit off my game and went back to the Classic look. Then a few months later, I got this sad notice:

Aww, too bad. I missed out on the chance to customize my board to resemble a high-end hair salon from the 80s. Maybe I'll browse the SCRABBLE Store and customize my tiles to resemble illegible lettuce leaves, brought to you by Hidden Valley Ranch.