More Mall Kiosks And What Their Attendants Are Probably Thinking

Annabel at the Girl Scout Cookie kiosk in the Woodfield Mall in Schaumburg, IL

• Fuck, I think I tore my ACL.

• My daughter better appreciate that I'm selling these for her.

Devin at the iRepair Expert kiosk in Pacific Place in Seattle, WA

• I'll need to sell 300 more phone cases to make rent this month.

• I bet I could pee my pants and no one would notice.

Hamza at the Soccer International kiosk in The Mall at Millenia in Orlando, FL

• If someone stabbed me in the chest with a CapriSun straw, could they drink my blood?

• I know all the words to Aerosmith's "Walk This Way". I wish someone would ask me to recite it all.

Tina at the TOYZ kiosk in the Russellville City Mall at Millenia in Russellville, AR

• This "Dune 2" movie is terrific.

• Wait, how many hours have I been away from the kiosk?

Dante at the Detroit Fragrance Company kiosk in the Grand Teton Mall at Millenia in Idaho Falls, ID

• My roommate better have folded the common area futon by the time I get home.

• I could take pretty much any man in this mall.

A Few More Mall Kiosks And What Their Attendants Are Probably Thinking

The following is what Christian at the Cell-Fun kiosk in Minot, North Dakota was thinking about:

• I can't believe I get paid to surf on Yahoo.

• I am so lonely, actually.

• That nerdy sister from "Modern Family" has a rack, hasn't she?

The following is what Trent at the Custom You Always kiosk in Provo, Utah was thinking about:

• I can't decide if I'm a tit man, an ass man, or a dick man

• I wish they'd make Nutty Buddies but without the nuts, cuz I'm allergic

• I just sharted, but I only have 3 more hours till I have to clock out.

The following is what Emilio at the Repair Screenz Explosion kiosk in Jonesboro, Arkansas was thinking about:

• FUCK, where is my wallet???!!!

• Did one of those kids who walked by pick my goddamned pocket???!!!! I'll KILL THEM!!!!

• Oh, there it is. Other pocket. :)

The following is what Saanvi at the Carved Edge kiosk in Auburn Hills, Michigan was thinking about:

• Am I going crazy, or are there swastikas in the carpet?

• I definitely need to keep an eye on the merchandise- otherwise someone might steal all of it, and that's gotta be worth about $23.

• I poisoned the box of Munchkins in the break room fridge to catch the lunch thief. NOW I WAIT.

The following is what Hilary at the Exotic Stones LLC kiosk in Delray Beach, Florida was thinking about:

• In front of a Kay Jewelers is a pretty dumb place to have an exotic stones kiosk, if you ask me.

• I'll always regret stabbing my junior prom date. Poor Thad... Chad?

• I bet there's enough storage room under here to take a long nap in.

 The following is what Takeo at the Must Relax Massage kiosk in Martinsburg, West Virginia was thinking about (around 2pm):

• zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

• zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

• Charlotte McKinney

• zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

The following is what Evelyn at the PUSSY HO BITCHEZ kiosk in Milford, Delaware was thinking about:

• They should really consider changing the name of this kiosk.

• There really is no need for such a vulgar business name. It's hurting sales.

• I should tell Betty.

 The following is what Takeo at the Must Relax Massage kiosk in Martinsburg, West Virginia was thinking about (around 4:30pm):

• Ah! I am so relaxed and well rested!

• I hope I didn't miss any potential clients during my little nap there, heh heh.

• Charlotte McKinney really does have an amazing rack.

 The following is what Bruce at the Lug Along Luggage kiosk in Danvers, Massachusetts was thinking about:

• This is nice. I get to own my own business and dictate my own hours here.

• The atmosphere is so relaxing, and I get to sit the entire time!

• Which one of these cases had the heroin in it, again? I should make a mental note.

 The following is what Gladys at the Royal Sheets kiosk in Elizabeth, New Jersey was thinking about:

• I can't stop watching "Big Bang Theory," and yet I hate everyone on that show.

• Chicken fried steak. Who the shit invented that? Morons.

• I bet if I bounced my leg enough, I could achieve orgasm right here.

Still Yet Another Brief Status Of What Mall Kiosk Attendants Are Doing

The following is an accurate account of what William, attendant at the T-Shirt Paradise stand in the Terre Haute Shopping Center in Terre Haute, Indiana did while working on January 11, 2014:

• invented a delicious new dessert involving frozen yogurt and noodles

• read his DeVry rejection letter

• felt for his left ball to make sure it was there (it was)

• used a pencil eraser to make a quarter shiny

The following is an accurate account of what Donavan, sales rep at the Gold Bunion kiosk at the Gladenville Mall in Pennsylvania did while working on the afternoon of January 12, 2014:

• loosened tie in order to tighten it again

• replayed the entire DVD box set to "Band Of Brothers" in his head by memory

• wondered if his stand's location in front of White|Black was ironic, considering his mixed ethnicity

• tried to blow a snot without using his hands

The following is an accurate account of what Bruce A., attendant at the Bath Fitter stand at the Crabtree Valley Mall in Raleigh, NC did while working on January 13, 2014:

• shifted weight to his left foot

• shifted weight to his right

• did the hokey pokey

• turned himself around

• thought about what it all meant

The following is an accurate account of what Carson and Rita, attendants at the Bedazzle This kiosk in Sun Valley Shopping Center in Ventura, California did while working on January 10, 2014:

(• Nothing. The stand was shut down in 2008.)

The following is an accurate account of what Quentin, attendant at the Smartphone Repair kiosk at the Arundel Mills Shopping Center in Bridgeport, CT did while working on January 16, 2014:

• tried to figure out how to make the bullet symbol on his Blackberry

• sucked air in through the space between his lower teeth, causing an irritating half-whistle sound

• looked at the Captain D's online menu

• rapped the lyrics to Tupac's "I Ain't Mad At Cha"

Yet Another Brief Status Of What Mall Kiosk Attendants Are Doing

The following is an accurate account of what Chelsea, attendant at the "Hair Styler" kiosk in the Newbury Mall in Carlton, DE did while working on April 20, 2013:

 

 

• giggled while thinking about Michelle Obama's hairdo before the bangs

• gave two lost shoppers directions to the public restrooms

• fantasized about actor Bruce Greenwood again

• tried to use the word "y'all" in a sales pitch- to disastrous effect

The following is an accurate account of what Todd, attendant at the Radio Kontrol Fantasies kiosk in Jembry Mall in Jembry, AK did while working on April 26, 2013:

 

 • texted Elmer about the tooth

• left a voicemail with Elmer, asking about the tooth

• sent Elmer an email with the subject line "re: the tooth?????"

The following is an accurate account of what Monica S, attendant at the "Braid That Shit" kiosk in the Yancey Mall in Willowville, MD did while working on the afternoon of April 27, 2013:
 

 

• counted the hours till she could masturbate again

• made a mental note to get party hats

• gave the finger to little children when their parents weren't looking

• sneaked a few Corn Pops from her drawer

The following is an accurate account of what Dominic, attendant at the "Super Cell" kiosk in Annapolis Mall in Annapolis, MD did while working on April 30, 2013:

 

 

• counted that goddamn money like it was his

• fanned himself with $400 like he was a playa

• wondered what Nicole would say if she could see him now

• tried to hide his erection from passers by

The following is an accurate account of what Chelsea, attendant at the "La Parfumerie" kiosk in the Trenton Shopping Center in Dovetail, MS did while working on May 3, 2013:

 

• OH SHIT WAS I SUPPOSED TO WORK TODAY

 

The following is an accurate account of what Kaitlyn, attendant at the "Drive and Talk" kiosk in the Massé Shopping Mall in Los Elenas, CA did while working on May 7, 2013:

 

• picked her ass out of her thong

• smelled her fingers after picking the thong out of her ass

• searched for Purel

The following is an accurate account of what Mathilde and Céline, attendantes at the "Candie Hoo Hoo" kiosk in the Waisyll Mall in Quebec, Canada did while working on May 13, 2013: 

 

• called their universal healthcare provider to make sure their information was up to date

• resumed that eternal debate about milk chocolate versus dark chocolate

• discussed Lumiere from "Beauty and the Beast"

• compared/adjusted their bras

• conjugated irregular verbs for the hell of it

The following is an accurate account of what Dark Raven, attendant at the unnamed iPhone case kiosk in the Maxie's Shopping Center in Milwaukee, WI did while working on May 21, 2013:  

 

• wrote more bad goth poetry

• conjured a malignancy curse against her parents and that new asshole substitute teacher

• beat her score on Subway Surfers

• planned her suicide on the new Wunderlist app

The following is an accurate account of what Gilhük, attendant at the Centrum+ Zdravi kiosk in the Gukksenschaverhaalmaart in Dresden, Germany did while working on May 25, 2013: 

 

• tillhöpped the fluggenschiedder

• Îngenhappfed the übersvekkenungenst

• åchfreigged her Brachenschioostentrakenskrågger

The following is an accurate account of what Misti and Kristi, attendants at the "Baked Kindness" kiosk in the Mall of Southern Maine in Bangor, ME will do while working on May 29, 2013: 

 

• bitch about not getting to sit on stools

• make lame jokes with the word "bundt"

• vomit at separate times, although neither of them is bulimic

• pretend to be besties even though they hate each other

• discuss pets and the need for them

• play that game that guys play where you make the other person look at the ring you made with your fingers and then fuck their boyfriend when they're out of town... that's how the game goes, right?