25 Days of Hallmark Movies: Day 20: "Santa's Little Helper" Starring Mike "The Miz" Mizanin, Paige, & Annalynne McCord

I have to start here by wondering aloud- Who is this movie for? It's got Santa and elves, so it could be a kid's movie, but then there are vomit jokes, crotch shots and sexual innuendo, so it could be for teenagers. Then it stars Annalynne McCord from the old 90210 show and the pro wrestlers "The Miz" and Paige, it could be for Millennials or really dumb adults. I dunno man. It's produced by WWE, so it must be some kind of resume builder for somebody. I'd stop short of calling it a vanity project for The Miz, because he looks like a jackass in this. They all do, really. I feel like a jackass reviewing it.

Plot summary: "After getting fired from his job, a slick, fast-talking businessman (The Miz) is thrown into an elf competition to become Santa¹s next second-in-command. Put through a series of rigorous training exercises to prepare for the contest, The Miz and another aspiring elf go head-to-head in the hopes of becoming Santa's Little Helper."

Romance Factor: 5 out of 10

Christmas Cheer: 5 out of 10

Overall Rating: 5 out of 10

Time Until First Kiss: 1:26:25

With Great Power Comes Great Racist Appliances

Lobsterfest- You Know It, I Know It.

Editor's note: Since EADJ Lobsterfest entries have lately required the imbibing of alcohol, it was a natural next step that this one was created at a bar. David and Andrew drank at the Snickers Bar on State Street in Chicago last night, and with the help of two Stratosphere Dongs (whose ingredients are whiskey, Sprite & grenadine, remember) and the Dragon Dictation app on David's phone, they created the entries below.

Please keep in mind that the bar was very noisy and both David and Andrew were slurring by this time, so this is what the Dragon Dictation app spat out:

David: Take all the contractor and the tractor pulls great full of lobster meat across the street and then everyone comes the great and going to eat lots of crap that you get a couple dollars for it that's what terrific way to do it lobster red lobster fest at red lobster

Andrew: You're brought lobster by man wearing a long time Hawkhurst looks to be a tie for their inspection revealed Thai is entirely made of lobster Princetown encouraged Fissler the time off back by the time you get up closer than other regions of his face notice that this is actually painted white going to the that point they realize that you're actually Extrano for movie called Scalo lobster directed by David Platt straight to DVD so you can do a lobster around his neck and realize that you actually been giving pickiest Mashit lobsterman's with shallots

David: So I just found a way to reduce and make lobster meat microscopic to the point that you could create several gunships out of lobster meat ticket event this silicon chips of lobster meat into an electronics from there the computing can get only faster transistor radios iPods even leaving CB radios are made faster by this new technology the government tries to seal the button away from you but instead you turn all rights over to your local red lobster where they make the profit to pay you maybe 2% of it now that's one way to enjoy lobster at red lobster lobster fest y'all

Andrew: So we all know the way that hipsters like door at red lobster in on the fun counteroffer lobster Holdaway
Meeting shape Pat Hanna lobster with manly read and think that looking where to show their support for websurfer love you up for the unfortunate thing about the other non-thought out plan of this idea is that number one the bees invidious number two there assembled and I red lobster restaurants with overworked employees already have to much to do lobster at the lobster Deanza Furla to get Steerhead Isabel Chopperhead resulting in really

David: You play chess with his 12-year-old it's well-built beat you 20 times out of 50 was me that you would most the time so you Salabay Viene lobster invited 12-year-old to come join you at the restaurant but disease too young to drink you get drunk as he flops are watching it totally wasted one way to joy Lochshire Ludloff Sarala Mellotts about


Analysis: It seems that the beginning of each entry makes sense but quickly devolves into gibberish, either because of David and Andrew's rambling or because the Dragon Dictation app starts breaking down in a noisy environment.

Possibly the most remarkable but unintentional finds:
Deanza Furla
shallots
Steerhead Isabel Chopperhead
Pat Hanna

Feel free to use any of these as iPod playlists or vanity plates!

Let's Throw a Fermented Apple Into the EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Larry Liss in Chicago, a horrific track off of iTunes:


For those of you in the EADJ know, this Jimmy Buffett song (the version without Bret Michaels) was featured in a previous entry of EADJ Song Hate.

Welcome to the club, Pat Hanna (yet another SFVOSP entry)

Pat Hanna also saw Mr. Wood this morning. He also claims to have seen a slightly older, foreign version of Todd Crisman. He claims "vaguely French."

Pat joins pretty much the entire agency at the bottom of this page.

(pictured above, R. Kelly is 2 Slim Jims away from a total transformation)

Save the Cheerleader. Eat the Dick.

Joel is a big fan of "Heroes."

He gets hard whenever the Hiro character raises his arms. His nuts ache whenever Hayden Panetierre breaks her neck. His glans penis pulsates whenever Sendhil Ramamurthy as Mohinder Suresh does his mystical-but-not-really-saying-anything-profound voiceover.

So when Joel heard that "Heroes" was going to be back on April 23, he was so excited that he sexually molested a traffic cone and forgot to eat the dick sitting on his TV tray. Joel took the rest of the day rebuilding the James Kyson Lee shrine that he had knocked over in his excitement.

But seriously, "Heroes" is pretty cool.

(pictured above, filling in for Pat Hanna, Tyra comments on Jessica's latest KeyBank newspaper layout)