Twitter is Crap

 Something tells me this isn't her legit official account.

♪ Got A Long List of Ex-Pathmarks / They'll Tell You I'm Insane ♪

I Knew You Were Pathmark When You Walked In

But What If It Isn't A Harmonica?

The brochure for a performance by American Idol's Taylor Hicks in South Orange obviously shows him jamming out on a harmonica. 

But what if that weren't true? What else would that be a photo of? EADJ explores the possibilities:

Scenario 1: Taylor Hicks in the middle of a power ballad gets a massive toothache and cannot finish the part about hardening his heart and swallowing his tears.

Scenario 2: Midsong, Taylor Hicks gets a part of the microphone in his mouth and discovers that it's absolutely DELICIOUS!!!!! He proceeds to devour the microphone and just marvels at how scrumptious every bite is.

Scenario 3: Goofing around in the studio, Taylor Hicks learns that blowing his nose sounds 100% exactly like Kenny G's Selmer Mark VI Soprano saxophone. At his next live performance, he belts out "Songbird" to the lukewarm delight of the crowd.

Scenario 4: People have told Taylor Hicks that he looks exactly like George Clooney, but only if HE COVERS HIS MOUTH. Taylor notices some hot honeys in the front row of his next concert and tries his best to impress him with his George Clooney looks, minus the mouth.

Scenario 5: Taylor Hicks only THINKS he has a harmonica, but it's actually one of those Take 5 candy bars. You see, Taylor has suffered some sort of mild brain aneurysm and is now convinced that Take 5 bars are harmonicas. Play us some more blues, brain damaged Taylor Hicks!

Smecial Dreams Entry

I guess I published it.

A Short List of Things I Would Rather Hear Than Taylor Swift's "Bad Blood"

If you've been to a strip mall, Jamba Juice, or any other retail store, supermarket, or public space, it's safe to assume you've heard Taylor Swift's song "Bad Blood (ft. Kendrick Lamar)."

Now, Taylor Swift has had a remarkable batting average of below-average chart-topping hits, but this recent entry into her catalog happens to be the most irritating, nasal, repetitive piece of tautology this side of a Tourette's convention.

Click here if you hate yourself.

Having been in public places this summer, I've heard this song far too many times for my tastes. Here is a short (but not complete) list of things I would RATHER listen to than that song ever again:

• orphans weeping at a funeral
• squirrel rape
• Axl Rose doing squat thrusts
• Wolverine scratching a mile-long chalkboard
• the Budweiser Clydesdales all evacuating their bowels simultaneously
• Arnold Schwarzenegger doing a dramatic reading of "The Notebook"
• an airhorn blowing directly in my ear for an hour
• A 4-season marathon of every episode of "The View"
• the bloodcurdling screams from botched pig slaughters
• Donald Trump's Presidential acceptance speech
• anything by Y&T
• that audible "snap" heard when Joe Theismann got injured
• Lloyd's "the most annoying sound in the world" from "Dumb and Dumber," in a 24 hour loop
• donkeys braying in a round (like in Row Row Row Your Boat)
• Japanese people trying to pronounce "Lalaloopsy" or "Lululemon"
• someone farting into an empty nuclear reactor to create giant echoes
• "Shake It Off" by Taylor Swift

An Open Letter From Seasoned Steel Guitar Player Don Gillespie To Taylor Swift

Hello Darlin',

Just wanted to say hello and "long time no see." Ever since you "crossed over" to popular music and pretty much walked away from your country roots, my workload has been prett-y light, let me tell you.

Yep, your music definitely feels different now. There is no sign of the swooning, romantic sounds of good ol' back country roads from a steel guitar in your 2012 album "Red," which sold 1.2 million copies in its first week of release. And recently in your album "1989," you ditched ol' Don Gillespie's steel guitar again, this time for synth beats and what they call "electronic-a."

Don't get me wrong– I don't begrudge you any of your success. The fact that you've hung out with Victoria's Secret models, wrote an anthem for New York City and even started your own line of clothes are fantastic achievements, not just for a young woman your age, but for anyone.

But darlin, Don Gillespie's got to eat, too. Let me help you do a remix of "Shake It Off," but with some real down home, Nashville flavor! Listen to the steel guitar tracks I sent you for "Blank Space," "Style," and "Bad Blood." I know we could work something out so that "Welcome To New York" becomes a national anthem! Give Don a call!

You have no idea how sick of Ramen noodles old Don has gotten.


– Don G.

Figure 1.1- A Graph I Made

Click to enlarge, print, and display at your food cart

Just When You Thought We Were Through With "Jeremy's Family Reunion."

Here's that clip of the dance party without any music:



And here we've added some music so that it's not so ridiculous:

New York. The Most Exciting City in The World.

Spotted on the northbound 4 train, a guy psychs himself up to deliver some balloons.