Dog Park Missed Connections

The following Missed Connections were posted by dogs that visited the Bucks County Core Creek Dog Park in Langhorne, PA:

You: The Russian Toy with the limp

Me: The smooth talking Dachshund

Hey gorgeous. We're the same height. Wanna go get coffee sometime?

You: The distinguished Cane Corso

Me: The miniature Schnauzer in the REI harness

You seemed distracted and nervous. Are you a rescue? Me too!

You: The Shi Tzu in the fur coat

Me: The Beagle/Retriever mix with the hazel eyes

We had simulated sex over by the ramp. Wanna do it for real next time? I'm fixed!

You: The oh-so-elegant Greyhound/Pointer mix

Me: The wheezing Pug

I couldn't catch you because your legs are so long and I'm a furry paperweight. But I felt we had a connection!

Say Goodbye To Some Stuff!

Bye-bye! Goodbye! Buh-bye! Buh-bye! Bye!

 

"You Gotta Pathmark Like Nobody's Watching"

The ProofrEADJer: November Edition

Not really a typo; just some awkwardly translated language:

UAG

The Consumer Electronics Show 2019: What To Expect

A few months from now, industry leaders will be announcing the latest, most cutting edge electronics for consumers. Here's a sneak peek at what's in store at the convention:

• a Pringles can- WITH BLUETOOTH!

• Red Roof Inns will introduce beds that scan for sexually transmitted diseases the moment you finish having extramarital sex in one

• Digital Kayla- all the features of Kayla, except with digital clarity and speed

• The triumphant announcement of Internet Explorer 56

• Some VR bullshit, but now with new bullshit

• Tim Cook will weep in a corner and not take any questions

• A USB stick you can stab someone in prison with

• Free "Huawei or the Highway" t-shirts

• Confused appearance by the cast of "Supernatural"

The Wise Man Knows That It Is Better To Sit On the Banks of a Remote Mountain Stream Than To Be Emperor of the Whole Pathmark.

The ProofrEAJDer: November Edition

America's Got Pathmark

That's A Pretty Pathetic Track Record, If You Ask Me

DID YOU KNOW?

Did you know that electrical appliances still draw electricity when they are turned off but plugged in? You did? Oh. Well, aren't you smart, then. Sorry we didn't bring you any information there- we didn't realize we were talking to a genius in the room. Sheez.

Oh no, don't apologize. We don't deserve your apologies. We're sorry we wasted your precious genius time with worthless information. We were trying to be helpful and spread information about conserving energy, but clearly we're lowly, inconsiderate assholes for taking you away from mapping the human genome or fixing the economy or whatever it is you geniuses do. Fuck us.

Hey, how about this. How about we run whatever new electricity conservation information we have by a panel of Jeopardy champions and TED talk speakers, and if none of them have heard those facts before, we'll knock on the Mensa Headquarters where you obviously live and present it to you then. How about that, Chief?

Us? Sarcastic? Where did you get that idea?

A Very Belated Guest Entry From Beth

Months ago, Beth had expressed her displeasure at the new Tropicana Orange Juice packaging that PepsiCo had asked the Peter Arnell Group to design. Like a lot of consumers, she couldn't understand why something that wasn't broke needed fixing. And after much encouragement from EADJ, Beth started to write a tirade against the redesign as a blog entry. But then she flaked and whatever. Wait, no, actually I think EADJ didn't deem the piece funny enough. Either way.

But now, Beth's going to Northwestern in the fall to get an MBA or GED or some crap, and she was cleaning out her computer files at work. She finally shares with us her never-completed masterpiece:

Where do I begin? Seriously – where should my eyes begin reading the craptacular amount of copy on a simple orange juice box, and in what direction. There only need to be three words – “Tropicana”. “Orange.” “Juice”. Instead they waste my time saying that it is squeezed from fresh oranges, it’s 100% orange pure and natural, and oh by the way, its 100% pure and natural orange juice. The best part is probably that little half orange on the top. Except it eerily reminds me of the leftovers from a bris.