Here Are Your Job Numbers For The Week of July 27

 

Hello remote workers! Hector the IT assistant here. So I know we're all a few months into the lockdown, and I can see that most of us have gotten used to the two-factor authentication method of logging onto email and servers, but I just wanted to remind everyone that doing timesheets promptly is still essential part of our process. So let me just reiterate that you have to click onto "employee services", then "timesheets", then "my timesheets", then "new timesheet". From there, a new window should open where you click your name, then click "create timesheet", then when it prompts you to create a new timesheet, you press "yes", then check the box at the bottom before typing your timesheet password (NOT your email password). Once you check the box, the open window will take you to a spreadsheet where you can select "week", and then "this week", then "timesheet for this week". Once you do that, here are the job numbers you can use:

94268: Wetting your bed head in time for a Zoom call

83313: Asking Alexa if it's a work day

07703: Accidentally deleting porn

60236: Patiently sitting through a :03 YouTube preroll ad

50378: Figuring out if someone is doing the rock 'devil's horns' or doing Spider-Man shooting webs

63152: Wrapping a taco with a burrito wrap to keep it all together

84627: Deciding that it was worth it for the nut

53842: Rage quitting Minecraft

77634: Showing off your spot-on Piers Morgan impression

03510: Looking for the tablet stylus in your afro

UAG

 

A Brief Status Of What Mall Kiosk Attendants Are Doing

The following is an accurate account of what Pria, attendant at Phone Phun at Berkeley Heights Mall, PA did while working on November 6, 2012 from 1:34pm - 1:40pm:

• picked nose

• straightened the rack of ugly dayglo bedazzled iPhone covers

• adjusted sweater

• adjusted bra strap (left)

• smiled at old woman who wasn't even looking at her

• hummed the theme to "SWAT"

• grabbed crotch/looked around to see if anyone was watching

• alphabetized the lanyards

• lifted right leg to squeeze one out

The following is an accurate account of what Donovan, attendant at That's My Mug! at Berkeley Heights Mall, PA did while working on November 6, 2012 from 2:14pm - 2:28pm:

• played Angry Birds

• nodded to the attendee of the FLYING THINGS kiosk nearby

• did that thing where you flick your cheek to make a "waterdrop" noise

• straightened row of personalized mugs

• considered having a Cavatini from Pizza Hut for lunch

• straightened row of blank mugs that have yet to be personalized

• said the word "shit" to himself

• thought about Alyson Hannigan

• played Plants Vs. Zombies

• scratched ear

• thought about those new Hobbit movies

• shat himself

6 Lies Told By The Keansburg Amusement Park and Runaway Rapids Family Waterpark Brochure

 

1) Rapids are actually not "runaway" at all, but flow safely and predictably into the Lily Pad Pool.

2) "Birthday Parties are our specialty." No, their specialty is actually defensible network analysis and in-depth statistics on how business data services are used by global enterprises, but they also do birthday parties.

3) Keansburg Amusement Park was the only section featured in New Jersey Magazine's annual "Best of Jersey." The Keansburg Runaway Rapids Waterpark was featured in "Girls And Corpses."

 

4) "Keansburg Amusement Park is filled with dozens of exciting rides..." At last count, there were 23 exciting rides, which doesn't technically qualify as "dozens." The only other ride that can be considered exciting is the main high pressure pump room, if you break in and sit on the primary piston.

5) That one kid is actually a fiberglass sculpture of former Clinton political advisor George Stephanapoulos.

6) "From french fries to fresh baked pizza, jumbo hot dogs, freshly made hamburgers, homemade waffles with ice cream or warm funnel cakes, everyone will find something they love." 

The Dick You Eat May Be Your Own

As the holiday break approaches, it's important to remember that it's better to eat a dick than it is to have your dick eaten. Or as the Golden rule puts it, "Eat others' dicks as they would have eaten unto yourses."

Today was a banner day in EADJ / NBA relations. Joel managed to eat the dicks of both the Nuggets and the Knicks, thereby ending a violent brawl between them. Nate Robinson claimed to have his balls touched also, but Joel insisted he didn't play any favorites. The endless replays of the dick-eating have been beamed into every living room in the country, including the one of Robinson's grandmother, who was not happy to see her grandson having his dick eaten on the Madison Square Garden floor with the Nuggets' J.R. Smith. Joel's grandmother, however, was drunk.

(pictured above, Ranee Wu models a new bestseller at Urban Outfitters, designed by John Reid)