Come On Down and Say Goodbye To Some Stuff Marketers Want You To Say Goodbye To!

Is that Daredevil?

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! *Kiss*

The ProofrEADJer: Mid-May Edition

Random Shit That Looks Like Ninja Turtles

 And... cowabunga!

An Ad I Found On Facebook

This is a good idea until you fall on your back and starve to death if no one can help you up.

Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"Cut... My throat!"

[Translated from the Italian]:

"Oh no! What a situation– My pants are accidentally down and this beautiful woman is in the elevator with me, and we're heading straight for the crowded ballroom!"

"Wait, don't go away. I just wanted to ask you about that guy you're with. Are you two dating?"

"I know you don't believe that I'm a werewolf. I'll have to wait until the next full moon, which is in... (checks phone) 11 days... to prove it to you!"

"Game, set, STDs!"

Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Explain The Difference Between the iPhone XS and iPhone XR

"Oof... gah... It's pretty simple, really... The XR has a slightly larger... ugh... screen, plus it's ... ahh... uh... an LCD screen, whereas... *gasps*...the XS uses OLED... oof... the XR also has only one *huff huff* rear-facing... aw man... camera... GAH... ahh... uhh... which is the same... ouch... ah... as the XS' wide-angle camera... wait..." *slips into a coma*

UAG

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of Whatever Week This Is

Here are this week's least trending shitty hashtags for your nonuse in your Twitter feed:

#donaldtrumpplan

#orgasmregret

#joybeharsfineass

#raceriotmarketing

#anotherwordforzamboni

#donkeykongonplaystation4

#skippingStarWarsthisdecember

#dropsofjupiterukelelecoverbyme

#destroyingkaitlynjennerspussy

#stevenseagalssnapchataccount

#acingmyexamsbystudyingandnotbeingonsocialmedia

UAG

Let's Try To Buff All The Scratches Out Of The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Andrew, a sign for a car museum that for some reason features a Ninja Turtle getting struck by a Chevy from the 50's, much to the delight of Speed McQueen.

And why this display was roped off, I'll never know.

Joanne Versus the Claw, Part II

Here is the previous entry covering the ongoing conflict.

Keyboard Vs. Keyboard, Round 2

In a previous entry, there was a debate about how gross a keyboard at Papa John's was compared to the one I have at work.

Well, I upended my keyboard to show the crumbs and lint inside, so maybe now you'll have to reconsider.

Okay, What's More Disgusting...

My keyboard at work...


Or the keyboard at my local Papa John's?


Your vote counts!

An Open Letter To A Hardcore Band Keyboardist

Hey man. Howzit.

Look, we need to talk.

No, this isn't about your sound. It's not that. The band has seen fit to include you in their group, so you're obviously contributing to the sound. There has been plenty of precedent for bands that rock out with a keyboardist: Dio, Iron Maiden, Journey. And Van Halen's "1984" was a seminal moment in keyboard-driven metal. So what's the problem, if your sound totally rocks?

Well, the problem is with how YOU rock.



You can mount your keyboard on as many "hardcore" brackets or bang your head as hard as you want, but the fact is is that you're playing an instrument that kind of requires you to sit still with good posture. What, have you forgotten everything your piano teacher taught you when you were 11?




The fact is, the more you try to rock out alongside the bass player or the drummer, the more you look like you're a karate master about to split some planks with your forehead. That keyboard there was expensive, and you should be playing it and treating it with respect. So maybe you just need to accept the reality that you should stand (or better yet, sit) still to play your instrument properly. Or, hey, you could start playing on a key-tar. Kidding.

Introducing: Ass Harmonica!

Are you suffering from chronic gastritis or constant bloating? And do you like harmonica music? Then the Ass Harmonica is for you! The makers of Ass Harmonica have scientifically combined embarrassing symptoms of persistent gas with the love of blues harp to create a pleasant and FUN way to get rid of unwanted farty pants.

Here's how it works: Ass Harmonica is a larger-than-normal sized harmonica that you play with your ass instead of your mouth. And since you're playing with your asscrack, the harmonica is held vertically. You discharge any gas you may have into one of the 78 blow holes in the Ass Harmonica, and nothing but beautiful blues music comes out.


Made from military-grade aluminum and stainless steel, the Ass Harmonica is a lovingly handcrafted musical instrument destined to become a beloved heirloom. It also has been endorsed by both the Memphis Blues Historical Society and the National Association of Gastroenterologists. It's become so popular, in fact, that freshmen at Rutgers University in Piscataway, New Jersey will all receive Ass Harmonicas when they arrive for Fall semester! (Duke University and the College of William and Mary will have Ass Harmonicas for their freshmen in the spring.)


The makers of Ass Harmonica are also working on a special Ass Harmonica belt/bracket so users can play while running or riding a recumbent bicycle. Also, look for an eco-friendly version of Ass Harmonica made from bamboo and spittle later this fall!

Also coming soon: Ass Flute, Ass Castanets, and Ass Piccolo

Another Typical Morning

Spotted on the Times Square 7 platform on my way to work, a keyboardist plays a little Michael McDonald to get the morning started. Then he stops playing when he catches me filming him.



Now, I like as much morning Michael McDonald as the next guy, but breaking out a big gun like "What a Fool Believes" is a little intense for my tastes. Why not something more mellow, like "Yah Mo B There" or "I Keep Forgettin' (Every Time You're Near)?" I mean, you really gotta pace yourself for the long day. Leave the more cranking choons like "It Keeps You Runnin'" or "Takin' It To the Streets" for after lunch.

Forgettin'. Runnin'. Takin'. Mr. McDonald doesn't like ending his verbs with G's.

I'm hopin' he's there when I'm commutin' home, playin' "Sweet Freedom" from the Runnin' Scared soundtrack.

The EADJ Crappinema Presents Incident On A Dark Street

Like many of the other DVDs by EastWestDVD, "Incident On a Dark Street" features a big star on its cover who is barely on screen for 15 minutes. But William Shatner takes that nugget of a role and soars with it, on wings of his magnificent 70's moustache.

"Incident On a Dark Street" was initially the dull story about the U.S. Department nailing the boss of a crime ring who's trying to silence all the squealers. But the director took that boring script and turned it into a full-blown boring TV movie. All in all, it's full of boring angles, pedantic dialogue, and Oh God, look at that moustache. That thing is exquisite.





























For more information on the "sturgeon face," click here.










Later, a couple cavorting under a dock(?) find a dead body. The performance by the woman was ALMOST "The Third Greatest Performance of All Time," but after careful review from the EADJ Board, it was only given an Honorary Mention.



Here is that performance:
















Overall Grade: F