More Available Porn Names That Are Available Because They Are Terrible

Welcome to the set! We're almost ready to get started here– hope you've done your stretches. But before we get you into makeup and lubricated, I think you're going to need a porn name for the movie poster. You know, something catchy that you can use for future movies. Something you can go by when people at the video store ask for your movies. Here's a shoebox full of unused porn names so you can pick one. But hurry, we've got the lighting almost perfect!

Him

Harry Truman Doris Day

Phil I. Buster

Roe Hypnol

Stanley Cupmyballs

Her

LaTrine

Margar-eatit

Aloe Vera

Meta Data

Meg Adeth

Dyskinesia

UAG

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Second Week of March Edition

Who still uses Twitter anymore? Oh yeah, our stupid president.

Here are some dumb, unused hashtags that maybe he (or you) could use. Go nuts:

#antelopecum

#eatadickMalala

#bedazzledscrotum

#FerreroRocherballgag

#Republicancompassion

#thishashtagisacryforhelp

#AndrewRidgleyCDboxset

#CheesecakeFactoryworkerstrike

#checkoutthetitsonthatfeministicon

#bingewatchingBreakingBadwhileonmeth

#UncleRemustouchedmeinaninappropriateway

#Ivefitmyfistintomymouthbutnowitsstuckpleasehelpme

The One Where Emily Vents About Her Least Favorite Words.

Here once again is the new EADJ segment "Emily VENTS," where Emily Kane seethes about stuff she doesn't like.

They're not overused, they're not slang (old or new), they're not consistently used incorrectly and they're not pretentious in any way.  I just hate them.


Helping.

As a verb, all good. As a noun, however: “May I have another helping of tuna noodle casserole?”

No. A helping can never be a dignified piece of chicken or a serving of cous cous. It’s a depressing,  warming-tray offering from your local hospital cafeteria that is either clearly out of a can or altogether unidentifiable. It’s the oily casserole dish that your grandmother serves in her doily-covered dining room when she “means well.” Problem is, the kid that says this actually means it.

Forever alone.

Dumpster.

The sad, fat, stunted younger sister of the illustrious Spinster.  Can be found lurking in the comfort shoe section at Dress Barn.  Approach with caution.

God told me I deserve supportive footwear.

Napkin.

MOM: “Put your napkin in your lapkin!”

ME: halfway out the driveway already

You’re doing it wrong.

Ointment.

“Oink” + “cunt” + greasy, thick oil = I will punch your mouth in the face if you suggest I use anything other than cream on my ringworm. 

Here comes the lipstick…

Bulbous. (not a Pokemon character)

Brings to mind nut sacks, goiters, nose warts, cauliflower ear and the Elephant Man.  Mmmmm.

When your goiter is perkier than your tits.

Yolk.  

That soft, subtle, shitty “l.” It’s like you tried to say yuck while your banana and egg yolk milkshake was still clogging your throat.  Choke on that, folk.

Err on the side of caution.

Bulge.

I’m suddenly assisting the whole cast of The Outsiders in rolling their jeans.

This Rob Lowe has cable.

Cheese Cloth.

Left on the cutting room floor alongside “urine sack hammock” in the “transvaginal mesh” brainstorm.  Shredded. 

Your gauze is showing.

Slacks.

Your grandpa called.  He needs you to help him slide these on his pasty, hairy legs.  Don’t you forget to tuck in those yellowing, oversized boxers, now.  (Careful with that elastic.  It’s about to pop at any moment.)

“Pappy needs a foot massage, dear.”

The preceding piece was written and compiled entirely by Emily Kane. Comments and complaints can be sent to: ekane@eadj.tv or posted as comments to this entry.

Hey. You. Get Off Of My Pathmark.

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

When Cassidy imagined it in a dream, it seemed pretty awesome. Now on an album cover it all just looks like a dumb screensaver.

Every play the bass so loud in your Lamborghini that it vibrates but you don't? The pigeon is unimpressed.

In "Redemption of the Beast," DMX makes a departure from his usual fare to offer reflective ballads and whispered spoken word about the human condition, climate change, and women's reproductive rights.

Once they took the photo at Picture People, they ordered five wallet sized, five 8x10 and five 4x5 that they can tape up in their cars' windowshades.

Not sure if he was born with this name, but if not, why would he want to be named after the busybody who relentlessly pursued Bill Clinton's impeachment to no effect in the 90s? Odd.

"That does it. I'm giving Pam five more minutes to show up, and then I'm getting lunch by myself."

Please tell me this is an urban re-imagining of "Beauty and the Beast" with talking microphones, sleepy blunts and a rapping mouse.

Nothing is more terrifying than a JC Penney model who starts robbing banks with a tea cozy on her head.

Yawn. So you spent five hours on an Etch-A-Sketch. Big whoop.

If gigantic anti-aircraft bullets didn't kill you when shot, they still might injure you pretty badly falling on your head.

"Oh no, Trixie, somebodymisappropriatedmyimageandaddeddreadlocksandstupidtattoosonmyfaceOOOHHHHH!"

The Latest Hollywood Films Based On Names of Various Scented Candles

Once again, the four major film studios in Tinseltown raid the nearby Walgreens shelves for some or ANY ideas for a new script. Here are the latest offerings:

"Tranquil Retreat," starring Tommy Lee Jones and Amber Heard

A retired Army general reconnects with his estranged daughter when forced to move in with her at her lake home. Also starring Stephen Dorff as a misguided staff sergeant.

"Just Picked," starring Kristen Bell, Adrien Brody, and Zach Braff. The wacky, unpredictable single lives of some freelance wine pickers in Sonoma Valley during the height of picking season. The parties, the triumphs, the heartbreak of a ruined crop- this is the side of wine picking that you never get to see.

"Vanilla Celebration," starring Mark Wahlberg, Paul Reubens, Alan Cumming, Seth Rogan, Colin Firth, James Franco, Helena Bonham Carter, Amy Adams, Jeremy Renner, and Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal.

A shitload of white people throw a party. The cops do not come and knock on their door about the noise.

"Home Linens" starring Bruce Dern, Danny Devito, Jeff Bridges and Steven Seagal. From the makers of "Nebraska," this movie follows the story of a bedridden retired ad copywriter who shat his bed and must rely on his three poker buddies who are coming in two hours to help clean this shit up.

"Grandma's Kitchen," starring Martin Lawrence and Tyler Perry.

No plot summary given.

"Day's End," starring Willem Dafoe, Cameron Diaz, and Robert Englund.

A post-apocalyptic story about a humble toll collector (Willem Dafoe) who becomes the leader of a small group of survivors to battle the dreaded mutant zombie army (led by Englund). Soundtrack by Hans Zimmer.

"Indigo Nights," starring Vanessa Hudgens, Lou Diamond Phillips, and Zac Efron.

A bangin' Vegas casino nightclub Indigo, run by an evil mob boss/drug kingpin (Phillips) gets taken down by a crafty, tech-savvy waitress (Hudgens) and a blackjack dealer (Efron). It's "Oceans 11" meets "High School Musical."

"'Sweet Pea,' based on 'Precious,' based on the novel 'Push' by Sapphire,' starring Gabourey Sidibe and Jesse Eisenberg.

This behind-the-scenes fake-documentary of the making-of the 2010 movie "Precious" documents all the table reads, concept meetings, and budget catch-ups that the filmmaker's underwent. Sounds horrible.

"Autumn Evenings" is actually not a new movie script, but a new branded Massengill douche scent to tie in with the upcoming "Night At The Museum: Secret of the Tomb," coming December 19.

Ooga Booga Racist Appliances!

Let's Completely Alter The Lyrics To The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Patrick Ng, some dude makes the most of driving a minivan:

Yet Another Reason To Hate "Iris" by The Goo Goo Dolls

It crashed my @#$% iTunes.

A Peek Into the Mind of Bill Dow

It's Just Lunch!

Are you a busy professional who would like to meet that special someone, but you just don't have the time to break away from your Blackberry to put more effort into it? Then try It's Just Lunch®, the matchmaker for busy professionals!

Our goal is to create a quality match at a time and location that is convenient for both you and your date. We arrange everything; the only thing you have to do is show up at the restaurant, look up once in a while from your Blackberry, and enjoy your date.

With It's Just Lunch®, we minimize stress and maximize efficiency by sending people on casual dates over lunch and drinks after work. Then it's up to you and your date to either make a connection or continue to be the incompatible yuppie shitfucks that you are!


It's Just Lunch® was created in 1991 by Betty Sinclair and Alana Beyer who found a fun, proactive approach to finding someone who would listen to them bitch about work and also be able to vent about their stultifying, unsatisifying career. The "dates" would last as long as a lunch or a couple of drinks, or until one of them went to the bathroom and never came back. Both Jeannie and Wanda wanted to name their dating service something that captured their sense of not-getting-their-hopes-up, plus they wanted to own the most defensive name in all of dating services: It's Just Lunch®! (They later dropped the "Jesus Christ" from the front, due to copyright violations.)

Let's hear what some of our customers have to say about IJL:

"As a young professional, I found it hard to find someone who shares my passion for spreadsheets and status meetings. Then with It's Just Lunch®, I found someone named Betty who knows exactly how to change the orientation of text in Excel by using the Alignment option. Plus, her pussy doesn't reek."

-Kevin L.


"My life was hectic, empty, and totally focused on my job. But with It's Just Lunch®, I've met someone special, and now my life is hectic, empty, focused on my job, and I get to eat lunch with some Indian guy in a sweater vest! I think his name is Kamal or Venjay?"


- Paula W.


"Motherfucking income report templates are all wrong! Yes, I did fucking reprint it all! FUCK YOU, then, Trent! I have a fucking meeting at 1:30 in the fish bowl! And fucking Martha can't get the original files uploaded in time! FUCK! Wait, hold on... It's Just Lunch® helped me find my newest girlfriend Yvette, and we're getting married in the fall! Thanks, It's Just Lunch®!... Okay, I'm back...FUCK!"

-Charles I.


"As a VP of a national business and someone who doesn't know how to rotate a simple photo, it's refreshing to find likeminded women who are looking for a serious relationship. Thanks, It's Just Lunch®!"

– Gregory H.