Saying Goodbye To 2025 and Other Things Advertisers Want You To Say Goodbye To!

Goodbye! Goodbye! *Kiss* So Long! Goodbye!

UAG

UAG

"Route 30:" A Crappinema Post-Mortem

"Route 30" claims a spot between "The Suburbans'" suckage and "Incident On a Dark Street's" horribleness. The only reason this "3-lame-stories-in-one-bad-movie" rose above the average Crappinema film was because of Dany Delany's terrific, non-horrible acting.

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Excerpts From "Because I Love You" by Julia Hubery & Cee Biscoe

"I debase myself every day at Jamba Juice, working for that colossal prick Ray, just to take home half a decent paycheck... because I love you."

"I pawned Grandma's scooter and threw her walker on the roof... because I love you."

"I went to the DMV and legally changed my name to 'You'... because I love you."

"I held my tongue when you told me that fried dough and funnel cakes were the same thing when it is pretty goddamned obvious that they are NOT the same thing... because I love you."

"I returned the One Ring to Sauron, thus dooming all of Middle Earth to an eternity of slavery and despair... because I love you."

"I blew a trainyard full of syphilitic hobos... because I love you."

"I hated the player and the game... because I love you."

"I went on that useless, time-wasting, money suck of a shitty weekend horseback riding– against my better judgement and I hate to say I told you so... because I love you."

"I piss less on the seat nowadays... because I love you."

"I could make myself believe it's not butter... because I love you."

"I fucking hate you... because I love you."

Blackberry Face VII

Sometimes an art collection outgrows a gallery and must be moved to a facility that can handle its space requirements. The recent acquisition of "Debargo," the seventh addition to the renowned "The Blackberry Face" series has made it necessary to find a new gallery to house the master works.

"Debargo" is a beautiful new piece, captured in Midtown New York and donated to the EADJ Gallery by James and Hillary Fallopian of the Fallopian Foundation. This seventh piece has made it necessary to find a new home for the collection when the curator found that the East Gallery could barely display the previous six pieces without causing a fire hazard.

"Debargo" depicts a middle aged man of unknown ethnic origin enjoying some "choons" on his phone or mp3 player. The rapturous expression on his face suggest freedom and escape to counteract the emotional ballast that is his sturgeon mouth.

Before this seventh piece, the collection resembled the compartmentalized photos of Dawoud Bey's Candida and Her Mother, Celia, II displayed at The Art Institute of Chicago. So "Debargo" has created new artistic interpretations of the overall collection as well as new challenges to its storage and display.

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The resulting new septaptych is breathtaking in its scope and scale. Gone is the stability and security of an even number as the juxtaposition of man and handheld machine is thrown into beautiful, asymmetric chaos.

Top row, from left: "Maggie," "Frank," "Edvard," "Debargo"
Bottom row, from left: "Tony," "Sam," "Doug"

The Blackberry Collection will be displayed in the Founder's and Parlor Gallery at the Woodmere Art Museum in Philadelphia, starting June 9. Admission will be $10 adults; $7 seniors; FREE for members, children, and students with current ID. No flash photography or pets.

:C

A Collection of New York Butts

Butts both good and bad, male and female, loose and tight.

Jane Seymour's Boobs and Butts Jewelry

Jane Seymour's "Open Hearts" jewelry line is a "universal symbol of hope and love," but the fact is, you're going to be wearing boobs and butts around your neck.



That's right. Boobs and butts. Look at that shape. Jane is obviously impressed at her own handiwork, but she doesn't realize that she painted boobs and butts, and cast boobs and butts out of white gold and sterling silver for sale at exorbitant prices at shitty Kay's Jewelers. Boobs and butts, ladies and gentlemen, boobs and butts.

An Imagined Conversation.

"Hello?"
"Hi, it's Imelda."
"Hello, Imelda. How are you?"
"I just called to tell you I won't be making the Dance Cruise on the 4th."
"Imelda! We've already advertised 2 SAMBA DANCERS! We need you and Clara!"
"I'm so sorry, something came up, and I cannot make it."
"Is it money? Is money the problem? We can pay you more!"
"No, it's not the money. The $40 would have helped with bills, though."
"Well, Imelda, please reconsider!"
"It's...it's complicated...I cannot work with Clara any more."
"Was it the 'sexy dance' comment she made during the Mardi Gras cruise?"
(silence)
"I'd rather not talk about it."
"She was kidding, Imelda! You do a very sexy dance! She was just drunk off too many caipirinhas. She loves and admires you."
"Truth comes out when you're drunk. She thinks she dances sexier than me."
(long pause)
"Well, sometimes she dances sexier..."
"You SEE? Even you know! And I'll admit it– I've had kind of a weight problem since Arby's came out with those new Fajita Flatbread Melts (they're delicious!). So it's probably best that I don't dance on the 4th."
"Oh, Imelda, I beg you! We need two dancers! Otherwise the cruise is so small potatoes, so bush league! Like that Chinese New Year cruise, and we only had two guys and an unhappy dog for the dragon!"

Exeunt

It's Time Once Again To Play "Which Can, Erickson?"

Match the toilet to its location. Bonus: Guess which one was the filthiest.



1. Taos Pueblo Native American Reservation, New Mexico

2. Leaside Memorial Community Gardens Recreational Complex, Toronto, Ontario

3. Rental Beach House, Sea Isle City, New Jersey

4. Strathcona Music Building (formerly the Royal Victoria College), McGill School of Music, Montreal, Quebec

5. Cristo Redento (Christ the Redeemer) Statue, on the summit of Corcovado Mountain in the Tijuca Forest, Rio De Janeiro, Brazil

6. Toucan Cleric's Fun, Men's Bathroom, 24th Floor, New York City


The answers tomorrow. Good luck!

Committed To Her Art

Spotted in Brazil, a samba singer really gets into the music. Swept away, really.

EADJ Travelogue

Spotted by J'Net in Rio De Janeiro, a store display for women's underwear:



"Brazil loves its butts," muttered J'Net.