Shake What The Lord Gave Ya

Yesterday in the ProofrEADJer we had an entry advertising a "Christian tambourine." Let's look more into this, shall we?

TWO WAYS OF PLAYING! This ad helpfully demonstrates how you can both SHAKE the damn thing or HIT the damn thing with your other hand. TWO WAYS, PEOPLE! PRAISE JESUS! Unmute that shit to hear the glory and the power!

But with this exuberance comes caution. Churchgoers are encouraged to play the tambourine BUT they must take care NOT TO DROP it on the ground, as that would break a bell piece off the damn thing.

This was, of course, a warning that the Christian tambourine company's attorneys insisted they include in the ad. Angry customers cannot claim that the tambourine is shoddy if they have been forewarned not to drop it during their Hallelujahs.

Kill It With Fire

Spotted on Disney+, a promo for the Disneynature Collection:

Great gosh. An attempt at artistic digital collage ends up looking like painful radioactive mutations. And what are the large shapes containing it all? Oh, they're the animals' environments– an iceberg, a leaf and a droplet of water.

If A.I. isn't responsible for these horrific design decisions, I'd sure as hell blame it on that.

Goodbye to the Things That Marketers Want You To Say Goodbye To!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Bye bye! Goodbye! 

A Bit We Don't Do Anymore.

It's been a while since EADJ announced the end of doing Pathmark entries like this:


But it seems that other retail stores are getting in on the act. Like Ikea:




(roasted chicken?!)

and Target:



And I know that Pathmark has always been the leader of mis-shelved inventory, but it's going to have to relinquish its crown after this shelf I saw at Target:


I mean, there's so much shit on these shelves that I don't even know what the original display was supposed to look like. Spectacular. Target FTW.

2 Cousins, 1 Played Out Internet Meme

My cousin Kimberly (Mel's sis) takes a gander at 2G1C. And the second time around isn't much better for Melissa.



You'll notice Kim was relatively unfazed by 2G1C. But what did shock her was "Shake That Bear."

Apologies Are In Order

*** An official apology to Joel, from the Chamber of Commerce of Jefferson City, Missouri***

On behalf of the Chamber of Commerce and the good citizens of Jefferson City, Missouri, I would like to extend an official apology to Joel Thomas for the inconvenience and embarrassment that we had caused him last week.

1. We had no idea that naming our shrewmole "Joel" would be offensive to you.

2. We didn't realize that the accommodations for your stay in Jefferson City were unsatisfactory; we thought the canvas cot and bowl-to-piss-in at the Colony Inn were sufficient for your needs.

3. Our presenter Randy Galley, is a local favorite and a "hoot." We apologize if any remarks he made during his introduction of you caused offense. For example, when he said that Japanese samurais were "chinks in armor," we hope you didn't have any Japanese or chink heritage. "Cause that would be awkward.

4. We thought sending you to Angelina's Café on Boonville Road would be a good way to soak up the local color. We didn't realize you were on a strict dietary regimen of "dick, ranch sauce, dick, and Goobers." We are sorry that Angelina's Cafe only had Goobers for you.

Please accept this notarized document and a coupon good for $5 off any regular size Pizza at Pizza Hut (none in Jefferson City, sorry sorry sorry) as our official apology. We hope you could maybe find time in your busy schedule next year to have another dick-eating exhibition at the Jefferson City Town Fair.

Irma Thadeus
President & Vice President of Chamber of Commerce
Jefferson City, Missouri

(pictured above, Mister Lazybones doesn't take the extra effort this morning to look for his yellow sneakers with the black grid pattern. I mean, why even bother sometimes?)