Quick Wh•re Test

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Announcement: New AMC Stubs Rewards!

AMC is thrilled to share the latest perks for cardholders of its wildly successful Stubs program. Here are what members can expect soon:

• That rat in Theatre 6 has been caught and removed

• Our staff has agreed not to make creepy eye contact with you while buttering your popcorn

• We can call your mom to pick you up when the movie is over

• One free murder alibi

• If you want, we can separate the Mikes from the Ikes for you

• Free helmets for any 4D Michael Bay movie

• To make it more like a home theatre experience, we will periodically peek in and nag you to take out the trash

• New glory holes in all rows

Stubs Membership Updates

AMC Stubs program is adding some serious upgrades for both existing and new members. Here are the latest new perks of the program:

• Premier access to first run movies (only the ones starring actor Bradley Whitford) 

• Free tub of Vaseline to apply to your annoyingly squeaky seat

• Enjoy movies under the stars while we wait for a roof replacement

• One of our employees Casey is a very good Dune popcorn bucket, if you catch our meaning.

• Free AMC Stubs promotional emails to you every day for the rest of your life

• Bottomless bucket of expired Jujubes

• You can put your feet up on the seat in front of you. Hell, put them on the shoulders of the person sitting there. We don't care.

• Free high speed wifi so you can text and scroll Facebook instead of watching the movie like the infuriating inconsiderate shit that you are

UAG

UAG

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of March 12, 2020

Twitter is a terrible app that's been responsible for the unraveling of American society, but it's still somehow popular. Many tweeters use hashtags to support whatever it is they're saying and group their dumb thoughts to others' dumb thoughts. But here are a few hashtags that have not been used much. Feel free to use them in your own dumb thoughts:

#bowflex

#gooftroop

#shatmycassock

#nakedtaxauditors

#PELICANJUSTICE

#myarmpitssmelllikesourcreamandonion

#sociallydistancingspeeddatinginthedesert

#freeJohnSayleswaithesnotinprisonohnevermind

#myconspiracytheoriesareprettystupidnowthatithinkaboutit

Let's Make Fun of CVS Products

I don't know if this is a new segment or not. I haven't decided. Whatever.

The implication is clear here: Buy a rollator, get laid.

Her new boyfriend ghosted her in the park, and Kathy began to regret using the N-word during their first date.

Face it. There's no casual way to pull of the cervical collar look.

The ProofrEADJer: Mid-September Edition

UAG

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Display Hidden Rows and Columns At The Same Time

1) To select all cells on a worksheet, do one of the following: Click the Select All button. Press Ctrl+A.

2) On the Home tab, in the Cells group, click Format.

3) Do one of the following: Under Visibility, point to Hide & Unhide, and then click Unhide Rows or Unhide Columns.

And speaking of "hiding and unhiding," when you find the button that raises and lowers the partition to the front of my limo, please don't play with it like an idiot. The wiring breaks down easily, and remember, I do have your credit card number for the deposit. Play safe, kids.

Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Prepare Bok Choy For Stir Fry

1) Start by trimming the bok choy stem off – don't trim too much – just the end.

2) Cut the thick stem off to ensure that the bok choy cooks evenly.

3) Separate out the bok choy leaves and rinse under running water.

4) Place wok or frying pan on your stove and pour in the cooking oil.

5) Add garlic and ginger. Turn the heat to medium-high. Let the ginger and garlic gently sizzle in the oil. When the aromatics become fragrant and light golden brown, add the bok choy leaves. Toss to coat each leaf with the garlicky, gingery oil.

And speaking of oil, whenever one of those high school kids falls asleep in my limo on prom night, you wouldn't believe the amount of grease their face leaves on my leather interior! Amazing, really.

Stay safe, kids.

I Guess It's Time Once Again To Play Which Can, Erickson?

Click to enlarge:

Match the above toilets (indicated by hobo railroad symbols) to their location below:

A. Central Park, NYC

B. Terroni, Toronto

C. Schlesinger Associates Marketing Research, Houston TX

D. Squint Lake Park, Vancouver

E. Pizzeria Mozza, Los Angeles

F. The Hershey Story Museum, Hershey, PA

G. Great Wolf Lodge, Scotrun, PA

H. Turtleback Zoo, West Orange, NJ

Answers will be provided within a fortnight!

Here Are All The Terrible Things That Will Happen If You Fail To Collect All Four Slurpee Mustache Straws at 7-Eleven

• the sky will rain bile

• goats will start tweeting their bleats

• Katherine Heigl will get her own talk show

 • Ticketmaster will start requiring you to lick a dog's asshole for every ticket purchase you make

• Guns 'N Roses will threaten to release another album

• Couches will become less comfy

• Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen will learn to act

• banjos will become a romantic instrument

• certain brands of dildo will start vibrating like they mean it

• Ke$ha will be converted to Ke£ha

• [insert lame New England Patriots cheating joke here]

• neo-nazi groups will introduce the fancier "swash-tika"

• The world's supply of chives will vanish, leaving you with just sour cream flavored potato chips

UAG

TASK CHAIR IS HERE TO CLEAN HOUSE

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER AND PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON. TASK CHAIR IS BACK TO SET YOUR PUSSY SPINELESS ASS BACK ON TRACK.

NO, NOT LATER. WE'RE DOING THIS SHIT NOW. TASK CHAIR DOESN'T HAVE TIME FOR YOU TO FINISH YOUR ZIMA AND PUT YOUR DIAPHRAGM BACK IN. GET SHIT DONE NOW, DAMMIT.

DON'T THINK YOU GOT IT IN YOU? WHAT THE FUCK DOES TASK CHAIR CARE WHAT YOU'RE CAPABLE OF? YOU'RE SIMPLY A MEANS BY WHICH TASK CHAIR GETS TASKS ACCOMPLISHED. CAN'T YOU SEE YOU HAVE NO SAY IN THE MUTHAFUCKIN' MATTER? CHEESE.

FUCK YOUR DADDY. TASK CHAIR IS MAKIN' SHIT HAPPEN, WITH OR WITHOUT YOU. AND WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT SONG BY U2, ALTHOUGH TASK CHAIR ENJOYS PARTS OF THAT SONG.