A Couple More Abominations

 Here are two things that should not be and are an offense to nature:

Some stickers of sticker machines, that possibly came out of a sticker machine

Reese's cups that contain Reese's Pieces

More Unsolicited Taglines For A Bad Canadian Horror Movie Nobody Saw

Happy All Hallows Eve From Eat A Dick Joel

We at EADJ wish you the Happiest of Halloweens, hoping you get all full-sized, brand name candy bars and zero grandma candy. Be safe out there, children!

Fiverr Screamer DELIVERS!

Still reeling from the disappointment of Fiverr user Foswaldo's rejection of my request to write an EADJ blog post, I used my credits to order a death metal logo and I even hired this gentleman to scream the lyrics "EAT A DICK JOEL" for 5 bucks. And guess what? He delivered this morning!

Here is him screaming "EAT A DICK JOEL". At least I think it is.

And here is the song I had him scream over. His vocals being at 2:02



And just for yuks, I got him to scream "THANKS FOR NOTHING, FOSWALDO" over a music track of my choice:



HOLY SHIT I LOVE FIVERR NOW 😀😀😀😀

And Fiverr user ethansmith_ is a great guy. Thank you!

"Shark Exorcist" Gets More Alternate Taglines That It Never Needed

Here Are Your Timesheets For December 22

Hi guyyyyyyz!

Cameron the intern heeeere. ✋ I was asked to send a reminder re: TIME SHEETS 💰 since Judy 🎀 and Hachiro ☯ weren't in the office today!!!!!! So pleez bare with me while I plant a 🔥 under your BUTTS to FILL in YOUR time SHEETS ToDaY, PeOpLe! 🚺 🚹 😁😂😊😉


-------------------- :)

Here are the job numbers💰💰💰💰💰✍✍✍✍✍✍✍✍✍💰💰💰💰💰:

23759: Giving a shit

32888: Taking a shit

99314: Cheating results for your "Shark Tank" presentation

80650: Diddling your core

17477: Spacing out on that actor's name

33720: Preparing the stagecoach for the long winter's trip

74284: Cupping Martin Shkreli's balls

08821: Really leaning into the punch when hitting your Dad

765772: Mocking the disabled (Donald Trump only)

10039: Debating the Ninth Doctor Who vs. the Fourth

35772: Remembering that actor's name! Daniel Stern!

63636: Printing your resume on the nice paper at work, leaving it in the printer like a dumbass

Some Episode Summaries For TV Shows I Don't Watch

The following are completely fabricated episode descriptions based on 100% guesstimation and the magic of the imagination:

2 Broke Girls

Season 3 Episode 4

"Guano"

Because of a shipping error, a kilogram of bat guano arrives at the diner instead of pancake mix. Kelly and Josie are given 2 hours by their boss to get rid the huge bag of guano. But how???!!

The Big Bang Theory

Season 6 Episode 12

"Redshirts"

Sheldon joins a trivia competition only to discover it's a sports trivia challenge. Mookie and Wilbur do their best to find enough money for some rare Spider-Man bookends. Sexy Marsha tries to get one of the boys to go lingerie shopping with her without them blowing a load in their corduroys.

Game of Thrones

Season 4 Episode 2

"Die Hachveit"

Westernos is confronted by Duke Illich and his horde of cavedwelling man-apes. Kurr claims victory by slaying the House of Dryllys, but not before betraying Cullwhën by proposing to her sister, the next in line for the whatever whatever read the diagram.

Homeland

Season 4 Episode 16

"Not Nearly Enough"

Tamara (Claire Danes) suspects that her husband Elliot knows that she suspects that he's not entirely truthful about going to the convenience store to "just get eggs," when she discovers they ALREADY HAVE EGGS IN THE REFRIGERATOR!!!!!!!!!!!!

Person of Interest

Season 3 Episode 20

"1.56.322.6222.9.00"

Branford (James Caviezel) is given the key to a suspected terrorist's lovely brownstone building. Agent Wycke (Michael Emerson) pretends to want to talk him out of the mission but is secretly sent him to do his bidding. Senator Ellison (Taraji Henson) steps in to abort the mission, but is she too late?

Blacklist

Season 45 Episode 38

"Switcherooni"

The convicted felon genius Hargrove (James Spader) reveals he still wets the bed, which causes Detective Megan Boone (Megan Boone) to wonder if rumors that he is a federal agent in disguise are true... Meanwhile Duckie attempts to ask Andie to the prom since Blane hadn't asked her yet. Do you get the reference.

I don't know about you, but that bat guano episode looked pretty good.

CSI: EADJ: Third Watch

The crack team of forensic scientists at the neon-bright CSI lab are at it again. Solving baffling crimes using the latest technology and their imaginations, these specialized experts will tackle the cases that the regular cops won't. Or can't. Or shan't. Or Kant.


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CASE 489572
Location: outside a liquor store in Hoboken, NJ

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CASE 489573
Location: Penn Station subway tracks, NYC

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CASE 489574
Location: Up the road from a supermarket in South Orange, NJ

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CASE 489575
Location: Various train tracks in NY and NJ

Answers To Yesterday's Which Can, Erickson? Supreme Court Edition

Click to enlarge

How did you do? Did you win?

Another Lemon Party With Old Men

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Unflattering

Pictured below, Bruce Willis joins the LPGA.

A Snapshot of My Weekend

My Mom, Dad and Jeanette discuss the Tiger Woods "news" story.

Meanwhile, During the Conference Call...

Best Ad Ever. Of the Week.

Plan to be spontaneous. Pencil a little time in your sked for some R&R. Create a slot in your Microsoft Outlook to let loose. You are a left-brained asshole who will pump your fist at a predetermined allotted time. Fuck you, Trevor.

EADJ Friday Fun Contest Answer.

Tom was in the top right in the green T-shirt.
None of the submissions were correct, so the prize money goes back in the kitty.

Todd Kicks It High! Todd Kicks It Strong!

(pictured above, Todd goes a little crazy when Canned Heat starts playing "Sugar Bee" off their 1970 album Future Blues.

Are You there Joel? It's Me, Dick.

Sorry for the lack of updates. It's been so busy at EADJ headquarters. It seems like we're stormchasers around here sometimes, except instead of a huge tornado, it's a 140 lb. blur of a man eating lots of serious cock.

Joel hit a career milestone today, eating his 7,000th dick. Spectators and well-wishers were there to help Joel celebrate the occasion, watching the big dick clock turn over from 6,999. Parade Magazine reporters were there to document the event and to make Joel the coverboy for the Feb. 18 issue. Joel is also going to appear in a swimsuit spread in Soldier of Fortune Magazine, holding three thongs in his mouth and a Faberge egg in his anus.

(pictured above, Gay Bears, the newest Western boy band on Fresh Jive Records, climb up the Gay Alternative charts with their hit "Your Love's Fermenting In My Taint.")