Some Pot Flavor Names You Won't See At Medical Marijuana Dispensaries

"Death Star Kush." "Maui Wowie." "Purple Urkle."

Now that medical marijuana is more widespread in the country, more pot dispensaries are naming their pot flavors "outrageous," "cool," and "edgy" names to grab customers' attention. Here now is a list of names they probably won't use:

• William Rehnquist

• No Workie On Cataracky

• Child Support Up In Smoke

• Doobie Brothers Pubes

• Not Cocaine

• Literally Clumped Up Cilantro

• Lung Raper

• Gary Johnson 2020

• I Support Our New Police State By Smoking This

• Tommy Chong's Eye Boogers

• Killing Me Softly With His Bong    no actually, that one's pretty good

• Silent Flaccidity

An Entry All About Kristine Johnson From CBS 2 New York

If you live in the New Jersey/ New York metropolitan area, you're bound to watch the CBS 2 local news with Maurice DuBois (that means "of wood") and Kristine Johnson. They are a very professional and engaging news team and have won many awards in broadcast journalism, but all that has very little to do with how amazingly hot Kristine Johnson is. She is so hot that she is the only person these days who can pull off the "Rachel" haircut.

From her website: 

Kristine Johnson is proud to be a recipient of three Emmy Awards for her part in breaking news coverage of “The Miracle on the Hudson” and the Brooklyn Tornadoes. During her time at CBS 2 she has covered political elections, Pope Benedict’s visit to NYC and several other major breaking news events. She has occasionally broadcast the news wearing a Bon Jovi t-shirt cut to show her midriff and a clear latex cheerleading outfit.

Okay, I made up that last sentence.

In addition to simply reading the news, Maurice and Kristine convert their incredible between-story banter skills to interview local politicians and other schmucks.

Of course, with such universal beauty as Kristine's, it's easy to occasionally see her doppelgangers in other, less dignified contexts.

Happy New Yeadj

An IM Convo

An Imagined Conversation

"Okay, now look into the camera with some intensity... that's it. More intense, like this is all about the rugged outdoors, with danger, disaster and the triumph of sheer will-power... Nice, that's better! But don't look angry now, I want you to be intense but not resentful. Just a slow, intense burn.

"Now, don't arch your brow too much, because that makes you look quizzical– and you're not. You know exactly what you're doing. This is all about control, and you are the boss in this situation. You are the chieftain. The alpha male. That's better! Yes! YES! That is a PERFECT LOOK for this shot. You look absolutely fierce and dangerous now!... Oh and you holding the fish, you look good, too."

It's Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

It’s Lobsterfest® again, and this year, Red Lobster's offering more irresistible lobster creations than ever before! Come in and treat yourself to one of our many exclusive Lobsterfest® entrées! Indulge in exclusive lobster creations, and share those lobster recommendations with your lobster-lovin' friends! There are so many ways to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster! Try some of these:

• We stuff a hollow dummy with lobster meat. Then we soak its head in grain alcohol and put it behind the wheel of a car on the highway. When the police pull it over to charge it with a DUI, you can pounce on the dummy and start eating the lobster right there! It's just another way to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We send an employee to your house to impregnate you. Nine months later at the hospital, after you've given birth to the baby, when they come in with the birth certificate for you to fill out, we barge in and write "lobster" where the name would go, so your new baby is named "lobster" for life! That's one more way to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We firebomb a Chik Fil-A and arrange the debris and rubble to spell "FEST." Then we place a live lobster in a turban in front of the word "FEST." Now that's another way to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We enter you and your parents into a breakdance competition, even though none of you know how to breakdance. Right before it's your turn, we give you this really inspirational pep talk that inspires you to really "turn it on" and actually win the competition! Then when you dine at our restaurant at your victory dinner, you realize that teamwork and believing in yourself is what really matters, not skill or training. That's an inspiring and COOL way to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We take lobster meat and freeze it in a large block of butter. Then we put that block on a roller coaster car going the wrong way on the track. We make you ride in another roller coaster car loaded with sparklers and cocktail sauce, and halfway through the ride, you'll collide with the car with lobster meat in it in a spectacular explosion of lobster, butter, and you. What a great way to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We invent a typeface named "Lobster." It becomes really popular in graphic design circles and becomes a standard for many letterheads. When one of your personal relationships falls apart, and the person who left you wrote on letterhead that uses the font "Lobster," you can have a good chuckle, despite the tears. That's another way to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We replace all imitation crab meat with real lobster meat. Then when you go to a shitty bodega in New York and put imitation crab meat on your shitty salad, you'll be so pleasantly surprised at the genuine lobster meat that you'll stop making racist comments about the Chinese owner! One more great way to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

Stay tuned for even more great ways to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

Sith.

(pictured above, yet another Star Wars item more enjoyable than the Prequel trilogy)

Yaaay! No Assholes!

(pictured above, Tom uses some positive reinforcement for the folks standing the correct way at the Hampton Jitney bus stop)

From This Month's New Yorker.

My new favorite supermarket.

To those of you not from New York (and how I pity you if you aren't!), there is a chain of supermarkets called Pathmark which, I gotta tell you, is the biggity BOMB, y'all.


Just one glance at the outside gives passers-by a hint of the delightful selections they vend within. Let's look inside! And while we're in there, let's play "What Doesn't Belong In This Picture?"

1.


2.


3.


4.


5.


(Answers will be revealed next week. The highest scorer wins a jar-full of googly eyes and a signed copy of The Secret, by Rhonda Byrne)

You Don't Have To Ask Joel Twice.

The following is an actual conversation recorded yesterday via phone:

Chen: Chen's Garden How can I help you

Joel: Hello? I'd like to order some delivery?

Chen: Okay

Joel: One large #609, Beef with Black Bean Garlic Sauce?

Chen: #609

Joel: But could you substitute the beef with dick?

Chen: Dick

Joel: Yes, please. Lots of dick. No beef.

Chen: Beef dick

Joel: No, you stupid fucking chink. Just dick.

Chen: Racist

Joel: Whatever, Chairman Mao. How much?

Chen: Small or large

Joel: LARGE DICK, you slant-eyed FOB.

Chen: What is fob

Joel: FRESH OFF THE BOAT. Learn your goddamned racial slurs!!!!

(click)

Joel: Hello? Hello? I'm sorry Chen! Chennnnnnnnnnnnnn!

-exeunt-

(pictured above, Margaret Powell from Houston wins $6000 when she solves the phrase "PAT A DUCK, JOWL" )