Announcing: 6 Lies Told, Rebooted

It's been a while since we trotted out the ol' 6 Lies Told segment, and now that it's 2017 (well, almost), EADJ is proud to unleash 6 LIES TOLD Rebooted, a new program that lets you earn double the 6 Lies Told points than the previous program, points you can redeem for fabulous 6LT merchandise at all participating Walgreens and Bagel Chalet locations.

Today we examine the 6 Lies Told by Aaron & Jessica's Amish Buggy Rides brochure.

1) Turns out Jessica's Buggy Rides is NOT Lancaster County's only ride operated by Amish, Brethren and Mennonites. Sampson and Doug E. Fresh's Buggy Rides is another ride in Lancaster County, and it is operated by Amish, Brethren, Mennonites, and the Get Fresh Crew.

2) If you ask Jessica's dad "How do you reformat an SD card?' he will pretend not to know, but then he'll suggest erasing your card in a disk utility hooked up to a universal card reader. Then he'll say something weird, like you should select “MS-DOS (FAT)” if the card is 32 GB or smaller, and if it’s a 64GB card, select “ExFAT."

3) Actually you may not take pictures- even if you ask. They're just saying that on the brochures to get you in there. Just you watch, boy.

4) Rachel is Jessica's sister by birth, but in practice she is Jessica's greatest nemesis, ready to pounce when she is at her weakest, just biding her time until she can strike mercilessly into Jessica's heart and vanquish her, thus proving to the world how unworthy an opponent Jessica always was.

5) Ronks Road doesn't run that way. It runs NORTHWEST. Jeez, who drew this dumb map? Somebody without GPS- I'll tell you that.

6) The Amish schools, shops, stores, stands, horse dealer, barber shop, buggy factory, hat shop, furniture shop and grocery store are all located inside the same 10x16 shed over by the pear tree.

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To commemorate 6 Lies Told Rebooted, 6 Lies Told has partnered with the Dow Corning Company to create a special "6 Lies Told" anti-absorbing polymer, manufactured specially for detecting lies told in space. NASA has called the polymer "impressive," while Neil Degrasse Tyson sported a vest made up entirely of the new polymer when debunking B.o.B.'s flat earth theories. The polymer can be bought in 80 gallon and 60 gallon drums, available only at Bed Bath and Beyond.

EADJ Wishes You, Yours, Your Yours' Yourses, and Your Yours' Yours' Mistress A Happy, Safe, And Hepatitis-C Free Christmas

The Target Ghetto Aisle.

If you've ever entered a Target, you may have noticed a bizarre section that offers merchandise for mere pennies. The problem is, 100% of the stuff on these shelves is unadulterated crap. I've dubbed this dubious section the Target Ghetto Aisle: it's cheap as ass, crowded as ass, and you can sometimes find meth hidden in places.

And the care that they put into arranging the merchandise! How do they keep such VALUES ORGANIZED LIKE THIS?!! HOW, JESUS?

Personally, I don't remember purchasing anything from these low-rent aisles. Well, maybe an emery board and a bedazzled Hello Kitty baton.

FUN FACT: Every year, over 3800 teens disappear when visiting the Target Ghetto Aisle and are never heard from again!

Next time you're at Target, take a minute to visit the Target Ghetto Aisle. You'll either catch some really great bargains or meningitis. And tell 'em EADJ sent ya!

I Promise Not Every Entry Will Be About Babies From Now On, But Allow Me This One

Now, since having the baby a few weeks ago, the nursery has been filled with Bumbos, Boppies, Nuks, and other baby equipment you've never heard of. But there's one item that still kind of baffles the shit out of me. This hanging diaper holder.


What the cock? It holds your diapers and hangs on a closet doorknob out of your way, because apparently diapers stacked on a dresser is unsightly? Or are diapers considered "clothing," and that's why it holds them there? What if your changing table isn't near the closet or a doorknob? Fuck, Jamal.


Is it easy? Not really. Because you have to open it like a vagina to grab a diaper and pull it out sideways, and I KNOW you are sick of having just done that action. Also, if the thing is filled with too many diapers, you can't grab any of them easily. It's a design student project which I would grade a solid D. Somebody saw an adult's garment bag and decided to make a small inconvenient girlie one that holds shitbags.


Oh, and the white frilly ruffles. Fuck them, too. What an embarrassment.

A Message Of Love and Peace From His Holiness, Swami Yaro

Hello, my friends.

We have crossed the threshold of change in this country, change that has sent waves of love and peace throughout all corners of the world. It is with much gladness that I bring you this joyful message of renewal:

Chill out. I mean, embrace your wholeness and its connection with the universe. I first said 'chill out' because it was the first thing that came to my mind, seeing how I was listening to some Rick Ross mixtape 10 minutes before writing this. Pretty bangin'. But what I meant to say was find your inner beauty and share it with the collective soul of the world.

No, not "collective soul." That sounds like that shitty band from the 90's. Shared soul? The shared soul we all share? Dammit, I'm kind of new at this, so you're gonna have to cut me some slack here. I keep digressing into mentioning musical acts (but do check out that new Rick Ross mixtape).

What I meant to say was, just do it. Or just let go. Try breathing. Is that what I'm trying to say? Hold on. Let me look at my notes...


Yeah, I'm back. What my message to you is, feel the burn. Image is nothing, taste is everything. Push it real good. Do it for the children. Vote or die. Tuna wrap with cheese, no onions. Eat my pussy.

No, that's the wrong page. My bad.

You know, let me just speak from the heart- we must come in contact with a higher intelligence in order for us to feel spiritually aware of ourselves and our brethren. By focusing in on a benevolent good within our souls, we can project that beauty throughout our lives and onto all other beings.


Oh, HELL NAW, Pewter Bear. You don't show up for months and months on this blog (thank God), but then you run all up on MY bit here? Naw, I ain't having this shit at all, son. People fucking hate you for a reason, and now I know why- you're a shitstain of a hanger-on suckup with no friends and nothing to say to nobody. FUCK, you're making me want to bust out my 9 and vent your sorry fucking ass.


You know, I hate you so much, I can't even talk to you right now. I'm just going to turn my back, and you can go away. And if I turn back around, and your miserable, whiny sorry excuse for a fucking self is still there, I'm gonna run up and cut you in the neck. I swear I will. I got the knife right here, bitch.

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Okay, well, that's all for today. Check in later on for more of my teachings of peace and love. Until then, check out Rick Ross' new mixtape "Still Hustlin" out now. Shit is hot, y'all.

A sacred blessing to all of you, my friends.

"How I Spent My Holiday Weekend" by Joel's Chimp Servant

The following was submitted later this afternoon from a Compuserve email. All misspellings from the author have been kept intact.

How I spent my holiday wekend

Wekend began as always wiht early awakineng for make break fast. No holadiy weekend for chimp servant when you think about it.

Started macking Western frittata with side of dick (Joels favirote). Went oustide to get morning papper and save Harlem Funriture coupons for myself. Gonna buy that microfiber otomman soon.

Its great wehn Joel eat breafkast becuase he leave me alone and I can read U.S. World and News Report in peace. Also watch some of "Wickedwicked Games." Didnt liek at first but complex sotrylines start to grow on me.

Joel eating barkfast and everyhting going great until bus of cheer leaderhookers breaks down oustide. Joel start barking orders and get bossy to look manly infont of fucking hwores. All for show really cuz he prefer eat dick. Thus the name of blaog right am I kidding people?

Joel force me put on clean tshirt and walk out there to "tend to cheer leaderhookers needs' whcih issentialy means showing them wear in bushs to pee and help them resett travel bingo cards. All you got do is push red plastic thing back! Stupid hookers.

Hookers ask to call for towtuck but Joel is a dick about it. He particulair about hookers in his house (still!) and not want crabs in papa san agian.

Well this end of entry. just wandet to tell myside of the story. I got go to make porkchop sallad for Joel now and check on his ebay stattus.

- Chimp Sevrant

(pictured above, some Yuppie woman is considerate enough to leave the handicapped space available while she shops for accent rugs)